Category Archives: News

“Choose Your Own Adventure” Brand Under Fire For “Selling Out,” Making Book With Just Two Endings And The Rest Filler

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Choose Your Own Adventure

The publishing industry is always looking for new ways to monetize their wares.

New York-The publisher of the popular children’s book series has come under fire for their latest book, which is comprised of just two different endings and more than 100 pages dedicated to the insurance company, GEICO.

The installment, entitled “Choose Your Own Auto Coverage,” comes in at 128 pages, but only 11 pages are actual story and choices, with the remaining 117 pages a history of the GEICO insurance company and pictures of the company mascot, the Gecko.

“I mean, as an adult, I’m bored out of my mind,” said children’s book critic Michael Harris. “I can only imagine what a kid would think. They might like one or two of the pictures of the gecko, I guess, but seems to me, unless he’s talking, he’s just another lizard.”
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New Sean Connery Biography Says The Actor Was Unaware There Were Any Other James Bond Films Besides His Own

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James Bond Box Set

This picture of Sean Connery's James Bond Ultimate DVD Collector's Set speaks volumes.

New York—A new unauthorized biography of Scottish acting legend Sean Connery is scheduled for release next month, but leaks are flooding the internet, and not all of the tome portrays the Oscar winner in a positive light.

The book, by noted writer Martin Hazel, claims that Connery had absolutely no clue that any James Bond films were ever made that did not star him.

“I thought they ended the franchise when I left,” he is quoted as saying in the book. “When did this happen? Get me Ian Fleming on the phone. Now!” Fleming, who created the Bond character, died in 1964.
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Dispute Between Garbage Men, Recycling Men Finally Comes To A Head

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Garbage Man vs. Recycling Man

Garbage men claim they can't compete against the recycling men in the court of public opinion. One reason often cited: Garbage men must wear off the rack coveralls which lack the style of the designer uniforms custom tailored for the recycling folk.

Portland, OR—Recycling bins and plastic garbage cans were once again used as weapons last week in what has been described as the worst city employee brawl in decades after sanitation engineers and recycling department employees exchanged words and eventually fists after a garbage truck clipped a recycling truck’s front bumper.

Both drivers immediately emerged from their vehicles and began yelling at each other, according to the report from the Portland Police Department.

“Oh, yeah, this was a long time coming, definitely,” said sanitation engineer Lamar Kuhlmann, 43. “Those sons of bitches think they’re doing so much to help the environment, save the planet. Please. They’re no different or better than us, they just have cleaner uniforms.”
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New Allegations Of Overdue Library Books May Bring Down More Secret Service Agents

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Secret Service

This image, obtained by The Daily Quarterly in a poker game, shows Secret Service members heading out of El Paso with more than their fair share of books with no additional visits to El Paso scheduled for the President in the two week return period.

Washington, D.C.—A U.S. government official familiar with the Secret Service confirmed yesterday to government investigators that agents have made missteps in the past but was quick to defend the government’s internal review process.

“We have had employees that have engaged in misconduct,” the official said. “People make mistakes.”

He said it’s to be expected, given the 147-year history of the Secret Service.
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800% Increase In Car Thefts Blamed On New City Ordinance Prohibiting People From Entering City Buildings With Keys In Their Pockets

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Keys

Don't think keys can be dangerous? You haven't been shopping at the Karlsfield, VT locksmith.

Karlsfield, VT—City officials are in full defense mode as local residents demand answers after a rash of car break-ins and thefts follows a new city ordinance that no longer allows citizens to bring keys into buildings, citing a security threat.

Last month, City Manager Kevin Miles instituted a ban which prohibited people who enter City Hall and any other city-owned building from bringing in keys. But no alternative place was provided by the city for people to leave their car keys, so many citizens ended up leaving them in their car.

Miles said it was his understanding from “the internet or somewhere” that keys “posed a safety, health and security risk” when used certain ways, and he’s merely doing his job, protecting the people of Karlsfield, though he really couldn’t recall where he read that. Continue reading →