January Marked By Being Utterly, Completely Un-Newsworthy

Nothing Happening in January 2017

Nothing Happening in January 2017.

As the first month of 2017 comes to a close, we look back to note how absolutely nothing newsworthy happened in the United States for the entire month. Nothing of note. 

Indeed, not much happened throughout the entire world in the first 31 days of 2017.

In an unprecedentedly slow month, nothing exciting, interesting or history-making took place in any populated area on the planet. No major news whatsoever. 

Not since the BBC announced during their evening news program on April 18, 1930 that there was no news, and played piano music during the whole program has there been such a dearth in news. 

Aside from an unexplained rise in mattresses being stolen from Boulder, CO, which really isn’t even a blip on the news radar, there wasn’t anything that took place worth taking up valuable news space. 

If not for our close personal friend Erich Mrak putting out another awesome song, and two celebrity deaths, we could have taken the entire month off and tried to shed some of this holiday weight. Truth be told, we should have spent 12 hours a day in the gym rather than the 12 hours a day we spent sitting by the wire hoping for news to break.

Of course, we did find the time to go see “Rogue One.” And can we take a quick minute to say how hot Felicity Jones looked in that movie? I mean, seriously. She even made us want to watch “Inferno” just to see her in that. Boy, what a twist in that movie, huh?

Speaking of Tom Hanks movies, we haven’t yet seen “Sully.” You guys seen “Sully” yet? Probably should have made time to see that at least once if I can make time to go see “Rogue One” like 11 times. Though, to be fair, “Sully” doesn’t have Felicity Jones. Though, on the other hand, Laura Linney is in “Sully.” She’s still got it. No doubt.

But anyway, here’s hoping February brings in some newsworthy event. Or at least that February gives us the time to go see Hanks land a plane in the Hudson River.

Illuminati: “Even We Had No Idea These Two Candidates Would Be So Incredibly, Destructively Polarizing”

Recent Illuminati MeetingA person close to the Illuminati admitted yesterday that even they had no idea how well both Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump would destroy the United States from within when both candidates were agreed upon by the secretive group to be chosen to represent the two major American political parties in the upcoming election. As much as the Illuminati have a tight grip and “near total control” and influence over every major world leader, the source said, they still could not foresee just how bad things will soon get for the US with one of these folks in charge of the nation.

“Oh, no, they’re screwed,” he said, referring to the populace of the United States. “Totally, utterly f—–. No question.”

Speaking on the condition of anonymity, because the clandestine organization has not publicly made any comment about the “dire, dire state the citizens of America find themselves in,” and also because if the Illuminati knew he were commenting about the existence of the society, they “would go medieval not only on me but on my whole family, like worse than Keyser Soze,” the source said the Illuminati hasn’t had to manipulate anything said or done on either side of the election since late in 2015.

“They’re doing it themselves, completely by themselves,” the source said. “It’s incredible how they both just keep doing things to feed the rift and the huge divide amongst the American public. It’s truly a thing of beauty to watch, if you are a fan of seeing the fabric of the American society and way of life implode on itself like a dying star.”

Between missing or lost or destroyed e-mails, or old tapes of misogynisitic rhetoric, or just the amount of lies spewed by both sides, “it’s like something out of our wildest dreams. They’ve done in just over 18 months what it has taken our small group more than 200 years to do: undermine any semblance of common ground, unity and hope for a functioning democracy. We truly can’t wait to see how this plays out. If a full-out civil war hasn’t broken out before Christmas, we’ll be shocked. New Year’s at the latest. Book it.”

Tim Tebow Signs Lucrative Nike Deal To Launch “Tebow Knows” Ad Campaign

Tebow knows football.

Tebow knows football.

Beaverton, OR—With the sporting apparel giant recently announcing that they are leaving the uber-competitive golf equipment market, Nike announced yesterday that they are hopping on the Tim Tebow juggernaut and plan to reboot the famous “Bo Knows” ad campaign, but with the newly signed baseball player Tebow rather than the former multi-sport playing Bo “Jack Horseman” Jackson.

Tebow knows baseball.

Tebow knows baseball.

Nike said they were bringing Jerry Kramer, their former head of golf equipment over to run the campaign. Kramer has never worked with any athletes aside from professional golfers, but Nike said they didn’t want to lose his visionary golden touch for creating (or re-creating) advertisement.

Tebow knows quidditch.

Tebow knows quidditch.

Kramer was introduced at a news conference yesterday and said how excited he was to work with Tebow, who just signed a contract with the New York Mets to play in their lowest level of professional baseball.

Tebow knows wiffleball.

Tebow knows wiffleball.

“Not many people know this, but Google it and you’ll see I’m right,” Kramer said. “But Tim Tebow actually used to play football. Not soccer. I mean American football. With the pads and the cheerleaders. I think he was even drafted by a pro football team, I believe. I had no idea. But once we learned that, and then he was signed by the Metropolitans, then we thought we could go with a reboot of the ‘Bo Knows’ campaign, but instead of using the name ‘Bo,’ we’re using the name ‘Tebow.’ See, it’s similar, right? ‘Bo-Tebow.’ Similar, but yet sill different and fresh. And refreshing.”

Tebow knows curling.

Tebow knows curling.

Kramer said he had already seen a few dozen story boards of Tebow playing typical sports like hockey, basketball and baseball, as well as some “less than mainstream” sports like curling, Quidditch and wiffle ball.

Kramer closed his remarks saying that he was holding a “huge, kick-ass” garage sale at his place next weekend, with “tons, like literally tons” of “barely-used” Nike golf equipment “including balls, clubs, awesome shirts and tees. Anybody know if Tim Tebow plays golf? I hear he just came into some cash, I can get him a sweet deal on some clubs.”

“My Cat From Hell” Host Jackson Galaxy Posts Catty Photo Fat-Shaming Cat At PetSmart

Jackson Galaxy

Jackson Galaxy’s cat shaming was unexpected.

Los Angeles—Jackson Galaxy was at an L.A. PetSmart last week when the body of a feline getting bathed in a grooming area behind a glass door offended him. The 50 year-old host of Animal Planet’s “My Cat from Hell” took to Snapchat to post the cat’s girth — naked, on his story.

The caption Galaxy wrote: “If I can’t see unsee this then you can’t either.” It pictures Galaxy covering his mouth in false-shock. What resulted was likely thousands looking at this cat’s hairy body, fat-shamed by the famed cat behaviorist on Galxy’s public Snapchat.

The backlash was strong — Galaxy has been now banned from PetSmarts nationwide and predictably lambasted on the Internet.

That’s because once the store banned Galaxy, they then notified the Los Angeles Police Department that he had photographed a cat in its store. That’s strictly prohibited, according to the store’s website.

“His behavior is appalling and puts every pet entering our stores at risk of losing their privacy,” said Jill Greenville, the company’s executive vice president of operations.

Los Angeles Police Capt. Alexander Neiman said they received a report of “illegal distribution” of the image from the international pet store chain. Detectives from the LAPD’s west division animal cruelty section are investigating.

“Our written rules are very clear: Cellphone usage and photography are prohibited in the store aisles and grooming areas,” Greenville said. “This is not only our rule, but common decency. Common human decency, which Mr. Galaxy, if that is his real name, failed to exhibit in this instance.”

Galaxy’s action was illegal under California law. A section of the state penal code revised in 2014 said it is a misdemeanor to look “with the intent to invade the privacy of anyone” in places like a pet store, where one has “a reasonable expectation of privacy,” with a camera. Under this law, it is illegal generally to distribute an image of the “intimate body part or parts” of someone “without the consent of or knowledge of that other someone.”

Under that law, Galaxy could be charged in the state of California with disorderly conduct, a misdemeanor that can include a fine of up to $1,000 or six months in jail.

Meeeeoooow, Mr. Galaxy!

Ryan Lochte Signs Deal To Write E-Book About Gas Station Ordeal At Rio Olympics

Ryan Lochte

Ryan Lochte’s book telling the story of that fateful night in Rio will only be electronic making it easier to change the story as needed.

New York—Random House Books confirmed hours of speculation yesterday by announcing that gold medal winning Olympic swimmer and “falsely accused innocent bystander” Ryan Lochte had signed a deal to write an e-book about his “terrifying six-minute ordeal” at a gas station in Rio De Janeiro last week.

Fort Lauderdale-based consumer class action attorney Jeffrey M. Ostrow said the investigation in Brazil is still ongoing as to exactly what led to his client being “extorted” at the gas station. But Lochte’s version of events, at least as of the writing of this article, said that he had a gun pointed at him, or near him, and he paid some money to somebody at the gas station, who may or may not have been an employee of the gas station. Or maybe a police or security official. But it was somebody who spoke Portuguese and wanted money for possible property damage that video footage shows he may or may not have caused.

Ostrow said his client stands behind the part of the story that Lochte actually was in Rio for the Olympics, and attended a party sometime on the weekend of August 13th. “That part of the story will never change.”

“We chose the medium of an e-book so that if Mr. Lochte’s version of events needs to be updated, or changed, or altered, it would be much easier to amend the facts as he sees them in e-book form, rather than in books already printed and bound” a statement from Random House said.

The terms of the contract were not disclosed, though a source close to Lochte said it “was like, for more than half a million dollars, Ryan told me. Then he told me an hour later that it was for like, more than five million dollars. So you know he is getting a lot of cake. Like, a lot.”

Likening the horror of the ordeal to “being like that movie ‘Midnight Express.’ Just like that,” Ryan’s pal said Lochte was concerned about his “front quadrant and stroke length, to use swim terms.

“Except nobody got killed and he wasn’t technically in a Turkish prison. But it was exactly like that except for that part. Literally just like that.”