TDQ Investigates: Does Lorde Really, Secretly Want To Be Royal?


Lorde: Queen Bee?

In this installment of “What in the Hell is Wrong With Music Lyrics Today,” we examine teen sensation Lorde and her hit song, “Royals.”

Lorde herself has said she was inspired to write the song after seeing a photo of Kansas City Royals Hall of Fame “third baseman” George “Brett” in an old issue of, I don’t know, National Geographic or something. (Commie Pinko rag, by the way)

But the only mention of anywhere in the lyrics is when she talks about “diamonds,” and the only mention of any sort of geography is when she mentions her torn up town. Just how inspiring could this photo have really been, then?


Lorde: Royal?

Lorde also goes on to say how she has no interest in being a royal, that she and her pals, they’re fine where they come from, and yet the chorus tells a different story:

“…never be royals (royals).
It don’t run in our blood,
That kind of luxe just ain’t for us.
We crave a different kind of buzz.
Let me be your ruler (ruler),
You can call me queen Bee
And baby I’ll rule, I’ll rule, I’ll rule, I’ll rule.
Let me live that fantasy.”

Torn Up Towns

A sampling of the worlds “torn up towns.”

So which is it, Lorde? Are you interested in being queen or not? Do you want us to call you queen bee? Do you want to live that fantasy, or are you just content with counting your dollars on the train to the party? And just what sort of buzz are you and your little friends craving, anyway? Because if we’re talking about pot or something, then you can just go off and hang out with those punks from the Zac Brown Band. (Pro tip: Never trust a Zac that doesn’t add an “h” or a “k” to the end of their name. We know.)

It’s sad to say, but can we really trust Lorde when she says one thing and then not one verse later, she is saying something totally opposite? That seemingly would make one question if she is really on our “Team,” wouldn’t it?

You are now informed. Go and do likewise.


“I Get To Taste A Little Piece Of Heaven Everyday:” A TDQ Q&A With Offenbacher Gourmet Fudge Founder Kelly Dixon

Kelly Dixon

Kelly Dixon from Offenbacher Gourmet Fudge allegedly brought some fudge by the The Daily Quarterly offices but all *this* caption writer saw was an empty tin and some crumbs.

This week, we destroyed our diet and spoke to Kelly Dixon, owner and founder of Offenbacher Gourmet Fudge. Kelly spoke with us about founding the company using her mother’s fudge recipe, the best part of running a fudge company and how the internet has impacted her fudge business. Here is this week’s TDQ Q&A with Offenbacher Gourmet Fudge’s Kelly Dixon:

The Daily Quarterly: How did you get into the fudge business?

Kelly Dixon: My epiphany, one that I had right after my mother passed away to continue making her fudge, was reignited after I meet a girl who’s passion was and still is for chocolate.

TDQ: What was your favorite chocolate treat growing up?

KD: Of course it was my mother’s fudge, which is now our Original Recipe.

TDQ: For people not familiar with it, tell us about Offenbacher Gourmet Fudge.

KD: Offenbacher is a well known fudge company based in Pearland, Texas, just south of Houston. Our customers vary from movie stars to soccer moms and everyone in between.

TDQ: What product is your best seller?

KD: Our 32pc Keepsake Tin of our Original Recipe is our top seller.

TDQ: Is fudge an item that sells pretty much year-round, or is there peak fudge selling season?

KD: Just like chocolate, fudge can be enjoyed year-round.
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TDQ Investigates: How Can Carrie Underwood’s Songs Hate Men So Much When She’s Married To A Hockey Player?

Carrie Underwood

Carrie Underwood protesters argue their case to police at a recent event. Rumor has it that after hearing some Underwood lyrics the allegedly philandering officer joined the protest.

In this, our second editorial exposing the lousy lyrics of today’s music, we examine Carrie Underwood’s not-so-subtle man bashing in some of her songs.

Now, by and large, we love Carrie Underwood. She is far and away our favorite Grammy-winning vegan American Idol winner from Oklahoma. But we fear it’s obvious that she wouldn’t like us, what with us being men and all.

Because it’s clear in her lyrics that she has progressively gotten more violent in her feelings on men who done her wrong. She’s gone from taking baseball bats to headlights and slashing tires to deciding not to wake up her abusive father so a tornado can flatten their home with her old man passed out drunk on the couch, to finally conspiring with the other woman to kill a cheating husband.

Not since the Dixie Chicks, those anti-America, anti-patriot Texans brought us the song “Goodbye Earl” a decade ago has offing a husband been so catchy.

But with the lyrics

“Two months ago his wife called the number on his phone
Turns out he’d been lying to both of them for oh so long
They decided then he’d never get away with doing this to them
Two black Cadillacs waiting for the right time, right time”

…Underwood has shown what her songs are capable of. Continue reading

Funnyman And “Seinfeld” Robbery Victim John Pinette Dies At 50

John Pinette

John Pinette, right, as seen in a deleted scene from RECOiL where he played the role of a mobster, Little John, who was in debt to crime lord Vincent Parker.

Pittsburgh—Comedian John Pinette, known for his self-deprecating humor and jabs at his own weight, was found dead in a hotel room Saturday afternoon. He was 50.

Pinette’s character was the victim of a carjacking in the series finale of “Seinfeld,” leading the main characters of the classic sitcom to get arrested and go to jail for violating the Good Samaritan Law.

Pinette also appeared on shows like “Parker Lewis Can’t Lose,” “ALF,” “Vinnie and Bobby,” and had numerous comedy specials.

On the big screen, Pinette appeared in such films as “Duets,” “The Punisher,” “RECOiL” and “Junior.”

A native of Boston, Pinette had reportedly been suffering from heart and liver disease. Continue reading

TDQ Investigates: Are The Days Of “The Big Bang Theory’s” High Quality Episodes Numbered?

We here at TDQ love “The Big Bang Theory.” It’s one of the few shows on television that have characters nearly as smart as we are. And who doesn’t love Kaley Cuoco? She is so hot, she could pass for Canadian.

But we are afraid that the recent renewal of the already-seven-year-old show for three more seasons will cause it to do what most shows its age have done long before: Jump the shark.

It’s the rare TV show that can last its entire run without doing so, especially a show that airs for more than five years or so. “Seinfeld,” “LOST” and “Magnum PI” are, in our educated opinions, about the only long-running TV stalwarts that have avoided doing it.

“Friends” jumped the shark. ”The X Files” jumped the shark. “That ’70s Show” jumped the shark. Sheldon, Leonard, et al have yet to do so, though, to be honest, I personally think the addition of Mayim Bialik as Amy Farrah Fowler as a regular has weakened the show. I think it’s very possible that in 30 years, we may look back and say the show suffered after it “Added the Blossom.”
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