Now He’ll Announce People As They Enter Through The Pearly Gates; Don Pardo Dies At 96

Don Pardo

Don Pardo, center, met RECOiL writer/director Brian DiMaio, right, during DiMaio’s brief stint as the SNL band leader in the late 1980′s.

Tuscon, AZ—Don Pardo, long-time announcer for “Saturday Night Live” as well as other television programs and game shows, died Monday. He was 96.

Born Dominick George Pardo in Westfield, Massachusetts, Pardo got his start as an announcer on NBC radio in 1944.

He made the transition along with NBC as they moved to television, and was the announcer for countless game shows, including “Jeopardy” and “The Price is Right” before it moved to Los Angeles.

But to the unaltered, unwashed masses, he was most famous as the announcer for Lorne Michaels “Saturday Night Live” every season except for season 7. Pardo had a lifetime contract with NBC, but retired in 2004. But damned if he didn’t still do the show, flying in from his home in Arizona once a week, until recent years when he recorded the cast names at his home.

He appeared on the big screen as well in 1987′s “Radio Days” and had a cameo in “RECOiL.”

He is survived by his daughters, Paula, Dona and Katherine, two sons, David and Michael; five grandchildren; and three great-grandchildren. Continue reading

New Product Purports Protection Against Shallow Water Shark Attacks

Sharks Shoes

Sharks Shoes. The foam shoe that makes your feet look like sharks, not fish!

Cocoa Beach, FL — As the number shark bites increase along Florida’s Space Coast local officials are grappling with the opposing forces of public safety and tourist revenue.  A local entrepreneur is hoping to solve both problems with, of all things, footwear.

Tom Emilylinson is not a podiatrist nor is he marine biologist but he is bringing both disciplines together to create a new line of footwear called Sharks Shoes, or just Sharks for short.  Emilylinson has a history in working with foams developed for the, now retired, space shuttle program.  He became concerned with the increasing number of shark bites happening along local beaches and felt compelled to do something.  But what could he do?

“The key came when I was watching the news,” Emilylinson began.  “Some shark scientist said the reason sharks were attacking wasn’t because of some Jaws like vengeance.  They were just biting feet because they thought they were fish.  She gave me the idea on a silver platter.  If people’s feet didn’t look like fish sharks wouldn’t bite them.”  Tom incorporated Sharks Shoes and began work on a line of foam shoes that looked like life-sized young adult reef sharks.  “They rarely attack their own kind.” Continue reading

Oscar Winning Alien/Psychologist Genie Robin Williams Dead At 63

Oh Captain! My Captain!

RECOiL writer/director Brian DiMaio, left upper desk, first met Robin Williams, right foreground, as an extra on the set of Dead Poet’s Society. DiMaio was later asked to leave after repeated failed attempts to get director Peter Weir to use the phrase “Git-R-Done!” instead of what would become the iconic “Carpe diem.” DiMaio would later trade the phrase to Daniel Lawrence Whitney for a pulled pork sandwich.

Tiburon, CA—Funny man Robin Williams was found dead at his home Monday. He was 63.

He won an Oscar for best supporting actor his dramatic turn in “Good Will Hunting” in 1997. He was also nominated for an Academy Award for his roles in “Good Morning, Vietnam” and “Dead Poets Society.”

He also appeared in huge mega-hit films like “Aladdin,” “The Birdcage,” “RECOiL” and “Night at the Museum.”

The former star of “Happy Days” spin-off “Mork & Mindy,” Williams also appeared on the Broadway stage and won two Emmyy Awards and four Golden Globe Awards. He also teamed up with fellow comics Billy Crystal and Whoopi Goldberg to found Comic Relief to help the nation’s homeless, and went on numerous overseas USO tours.

He is survived by his third wife, Susan, and his three children, Zachary, Zelda and Cody. Continue reading

City Leaders Shocked That Employees Are Unhappy That (Once Again) Budget Has No Money For Raises, But Has Funds For New Scoreboards In Rec League Gym Used By City Manager’s Brother

Karlsfield, VT Gymnasium

When asked if the Karlsfield, VT Gymnasium ever made use of its abundance of seating for concerts and other activities the answer was, “No.”

Karlsfield, VT— More than a few city employees of this burg in northern Vermont have started to voice their displeasure about not getting a raise in more than five years compounded by taking pay cuts, when the city can afford to pay for new scoreboards in what the town’s City Manager calls, “The premiere sporting venue for indoor basketball for adults between the ages of 25 and 34, including some who were erroneously and egregiously not recruited to play college hoops and help their brother and family leave New England for Los Angeles, not only in the great state of Vermont, but of, quite possibly, the entire galaxy.”

“We have been told during every budget cycle for the past six years, that we have to tighten our belts, do more with less and adapt or shut up,” said an anonymous employee in the elections office. “We haven’t gotten a raise in those six years, and many of us took a two per cent pay cut four years ago. We were told that cut would be just for a year, but we still haven’t gone back to our original salaries before the pay cut. The city never has enough money, but it can afford to shell out 65-plus million for scoreboards utilizing its ‘rainy day’ fund. We’re getting pretty fed up. Morale is pretty low around here.”

The arena’s (old) scoreboards are nearly three years old,” said Karlsfield YMCA director Jeff Campbell. “We have to compete with other sports arenas in the area and in Canada and those losers in New Hampshire. $76 million is a small price to pay to keep up with the changing demands of a new arena, and really, it’s a steal. We got a great deal on these things. These are, if I’m being honest here, these are $100 million scoreboards. This is a coup, really, to get these at these prices.”

“What our jerk off employees have to realize is that there are only a finite amount of resources available, and if their feeble minds can’t grasp why the citizens they serve deserve the best damn rec league gym in this great country of ours, then maybe they should look into moving to New Hampshire.” City Manager Kevin Miles said. “They have jobs in this economy, and they have the audacity to complain about not getting raises or bonuses or healthcare one out of every four days. It makes me almost ashamed to be a city manager in this hellhole. Whiny asses.” Continue reading

Cooties Patient Successfully Transferred Into Another Second Grade Class

Cooties Patient

Cooties Patient, Kenny Bailey, 7, heading for the school nurse. Bailey’s principal said the regret of letting Bailey take his Cootie outbreak to this extreme was immediate.

Willard, OH—The second grader who contracted cooties while working with a charity organization in the public library arrived yesterday at the area elementary school where he will receive treatment in one of the most sophisticated isolation units in the country.

Kenny Bailey, 7, climbed out of the school’s golf cart with the help of another person, who steadied the young man as they walked the short length to an entrance at the school. Bailey was dressed in a red hooded biocontainment suit while his guide also wore elaborate protective gear.

The school nurse administered preliminary medical tests on Bailey upon his arrival to the facility, and provided him with an aspirin, according to representatives of the school board. Following the testing, Bailey was able to meet with his new teacher for about 10 minutes “She said he was in great spirits and extremely grateful,” a spokesman said.

Bailey arrived at his new school at 11:20 a.m. ET in a Dodge Minivan specially outfitted with containment equipment and an overhead DVD player showing Disney’s “Frozen,” a representative said in a statement. The arrival and transfer was “uneventful,” said area crossing guard James Newman, adding, “We are pleased about that.”

The classroom where Bailey will be a student “has unique equipment and infrastructure that provide an extraordinarily high level of clinical isolation,” and is one of only four of its kind in the country, the elementary school principal said in a statement. Teachers and hall monitors are specifically trained and practiced in treating “this type of student (with cooties),” the school added.

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