Now We’ll Never Know If Higgins Was Really Robin Masters: John Hillerman Has Died At 84

John Hillerman

John Hillerman, right, met RECOiL writer/director/actor Brian DiMaio, left on the set of the 1990 British made-for-television mystery film Hands of a Murderer. As far as the two of them knew up until to day of shooting the pilot DiMaio was to play Sherlock Holmes to Hillerman’s Doctor Watson. At the last moment the gaslighting of Hillerman by director/prankster Stuart Orme was revealed: the role of Holmes was to be played by renown British actor Edward Woodward and not DiMaio. Hillerman expressed great relief saying DiMaio had the worst British accent he had ever heard.

Houston—Actor John Hillman, best known for his fantastic portrayal of estate manager and Doberman Pinscher owner Jonathan Quayle Higgins on “Magnum, P.I.” from 1980 to 1988 (documented as one of the very few television shows that never jumped the shark), died last week. He was 84.

He won both an Emmy Award and a Golden Globe for playing Higgins. He also appeared in such TV shows as “Wonder Woman,” “Hawaii Five-O” and “The Bob Crane Show.”

In the big screen, Hillerman appeared in the films “They Call Me Mister Tibbs!” “Blazing Saddles,” “RECOiL” and “A Very Brady Sequel.”

He is survived by one sister.

Still Waiting On Those Really Important, Legitimate JFK Docs To Be Released By The Feds

Joe DiMaggio?

Unconfirmed photo of Joe DiMaggio in the window of the book depository on that fateful November day1 in 1963.

Not surprisingly, the Trump administration, despite telling the world he will comply with Grumpy Old Man in Chief and Butt Toucher in Chief Bush 41’s 1992 mandate and release all of the government’s JFK assassination documents, went back on their word and didn’t release all of the documents, instead telling folks that he is giving government agencies another 180 days to go through all these papers that they had 25 years to review.

What this really means, of course, is that you people will have to wait until April for the American government to finally confirm what we here at The Daily Quarterly told you years ago: that Joe DiMaggio had Kennedy killed. 

We can neither confirm nor deny that the Trump administration, or any other presidential administration from the past 50 years, have contacted TDQ Headquarters to “discuss” our findings and our “sources”. Let’s just say that we took a major risk telling you jokers this information, but that’s how we roll here. You all know this by now.

We would be failing not only you, our readers if we failed to produce the information we have obtained, we would be failing ourselves as journalists. And we’ll be damned if we prove to our journalism teacher that he was right. Not a chance in hell.

So just know that when we tell you that Joe DiMaggio, yes, that Joe DiMaggio, had JFK killed. And you will have all the supporting documents you’ll need once this administration fulfills its promises and releases the paperwork. We seem to recall this was a major campaign promise last year, and we’re sure going to hold this man’s feet to the fire to keep that promise. 

And we’ll look a little bit smarter than you already make us look.

You are now informed. Go and do likewise. 

Butler-Turned-Governor-Turned-Baboon Voice-Turned TV Exec Robert Guillaume Has Died

Robert Guillaume

Robert Guillaume, center, seen receiving an Emmy award for his Benson character on the show Soap presented by Loni Anderson, left, and RECOiL writer/director/actor Brian DiMaio, left.

Los Angeles— Actor Robert Guillaume died at his home last Tuesday at the age of 89. He died from complications from prostate cancer, which he had been fighting for 25 years. 

Best known for his Emmy-award winning work playing Benson DuBois, first on “Soap” in the late 1970s, then on his own series, “Benson,” which ran from 1979 to 1986, Guillaume also appeared in such TV shows as “Sports Night,” and “The Robert Guillaume Show.” 

On the big screen, Guillaume was in such films as “Lean on Me,” “The Lion King” as the voice of Rafiki, “RECOiL” and “Big Fish.”

He is survived by his second wife, Donna, three daughters and one son. He had one other son who died in 1990.

Truly, Our Lives Will Never Be The Same: Hugh Hefner Has Died

Hugh Hefner

Hugh Hefner, left, was close friends with fellow publisher Brian DiMaio, right. This photo shows the two in the earliest days of Playboy magazine pouring over possible mascots. DiMaio liked the frog in the top hat. Hefner preferred the rabbit. In the end they compromised and put a bow tie on the rabbit.

Los Angeles—Hugh Hefner, the journalistic visionary who founded “Playboy” magazine and the “Playboy” empire, who influenced millions upon millions of adolescent boys over the course of his incredible lifetime, died Wednesday from natural causes. He was 91.
 
Truly, what can be said about this man, who shaped and defined what it meant to be a real man in the last half of the 20th century. And so we do our best to immortalize him with this prose: 
 
O Captain! my Captain! our fearful trip is done,
The ship has weather’d every rack, the prize we sought is won,
The port is near, the bells I hear, the people all exulting,
While follow eyes the steady keel, the vessel grim and daring;
                         But O heart! heart! heart!
                            O the bleeding drops of red,
                               Where on the deck my Captain lies,
                                  Fallen cold and dead.
 
O Captain! my Captain! rise up and hear the bells;
Rise up—for you the flag is flung—for you the bugle trills,
For you bouquets and ribbon’d wreaths—for you the shores a-crowding,
For you they call, the swaying mass, their eager faces turning;
                         Here Captain! dear father!
                            This arm beneath your head!
                               It is some dream that on the deck,
                                 You’ve fallen cold and dead.
 
My Captain does not answer, his lips are pale and still,
My father does not feel my arm, he has no pulse nor will,
The ship is anchor’d safe and sound, its voyage closed and done,
From fearful trip the victor ship comes in with object won;
                         Exult O shores, and ring O bells!
                            But I with mournful tread,
                               Walk the deck my Captain lies,
                                  Fallen cold and dead.

Selena Gomez So Desperate To Stay In The Spotlight That She Steals Kidney From Her Best Friend

Selena Gomez

Selena Gomez, mobbed by fans, leaving her hospital room wearing a very elegant Dior hospital gown.

In a scene reminiscent of Tom Cruise’s “Minority Report,” (I think it was that one. The scene where he is blind and moving around that apartment holding onto strings that lead him to the fridge but he grabs the spoiled milk instead of the fresh milk. That one. That movie. Is that “Minority Report?” Or is it “Vanilla Sky?” No, it couldn’t be “Vanilla Sky.” I never watched “Vanilla Sky.” Which is weird, because I usually watch all of Cameron Crowe’s movies. I even enjoyed “Singles.” But I never watched “Vanilla Sky.”) pop princess and former would-be wizard Selena Gomez had a kidney transplant recently, with the help of her best friend, Francia Raisa. (I thought Demi Lovato was her best friend. Hmmmm. I must be getting old. I can’t keep track anymore). 

Gomez suffers from lupus, and needed a kidney. The operation was performed earlier this summer.

Selena Gomez

Selena Gomez, post kidney surgery, pushes through the throngs of admiring fans. Paparazzi we surprised by the backless Dior hospital gown which put Selena’s surgery scar in plain view.

(Dammit, this is really going to bug me. I guess I ought to go and stream “Minority Report” and confirm if that’s the thing I’m thinking of. But it’s so depressing that his kid gets killed. I can’t watch movies like that anymore. I still haven’t watched “Mystic River” or “Gone Baby Gone.” I can’t do it. And I like Casey Affleck’s films. I say his films, because he clearly is a jerk. From what I’ve read. He was okay in “The Coward that Shot Jesse James” or whatever the heck it was called. That was a long movie, though. And as usual, Garret Dillahunt was good in that movie. He’s good in every movie he’s in. I really enjoyed him in “No Country for Old Men.” That was good. Incidentally, I asked around the office who would give me a kidney if I needed it, and suddenly everybody had a meeting to go to, even the interns. Except one intern, Matt. He said he’d give me a kidney. But that kid drinks Mountain Dew and Red Bulls non-stop. Like literally. Thanks, but no thanks, Matt.) 

But we wish Selena and her bestie, whoever she is, a speedy recovery.