Tim McCarver Beside Himself Not Being In The Booth For This World Series, What With So Many Great Names For Him To Butcher

Tim McCarver

If you are a sadist who can’t get enough of Tim McCarver or you want to prank a friend be sure and pick up his recent album where he sings jazz songs.

Former horrible baseball broadcaster Tim McCarver, perhaps the worst color analyst in the history of spoken language has reportedly told friends, neighbors, former colleagues and people unfortunate enough to not be able to get out of his way that he is exceptionally disappointed to not be in the booth calling this year’s World Series between the San Francisco Giants and Kansas City Royals, “what with all the terrific, awesome names that he can completely and hilariously butcher in ways not thought possible by anyone with even a meager grasp of the English language.”

According to numerous sources who are, sadly for them, close to McCarver, he has recently taken to “sitting in his recliner reading the sports pages and just being miserable reading names like (Kansas City Royal outfielder) Norichika Aoki, (Royals infielder) Alcides Escobar and (Royals pitcher) Yordano Ventura. It kills him seeing those names, just thinking of how he could mispronounce them differently each game despite being told by numerous people how to properly say them.”

Mercifully, McCarver retired after calling last year’s World Series for Fox, and the broadcast airwaves have been all the better for it. True, websites dedicated to how horribly McCarver polluted the air have and mangled the poor, defenseless English language had to look elsewhere for terrible commentary during natinally-broadcast sporting events, but his legacy of malapropisms and ridiculous tales does live on.

Said one poor bastard source, nearly in tears, “I mean, really, just take a second and think about the incredible things he could do with names like (San Francisco Giants pitcher) Yusmeiro Petit and (Giants first baseman) NLCS hero Travis Ishikawa. And his awful stories? You don’t think he’s come up with more horrible, in appropriate, nonsensical stories in the past year? The world is missing out. His friends are suffering tremendously, but the world is missing out.” Continue reading

Jacksonville Jaguars Mascot: “I Thought Ebola Was A Bidding Website Where People Could Buy And Sell Items Online”

Jaguar's Ebola Incident

As we can see the Jacksonville mascot was only trying to make good on some sponsor signage that was ruined by a sports drink dumping celebration. Unfortunately that sponsor, edolla.biz, was not impressed.

Jacksonville, FL—About the only thing more unbelievable here in Jacksonville than the fact that the NFL team hasn’t relocated to London is the recent actions of the team’s mascot, one Jaxson de Ville, a daredevil, bungee-jumping anthropomorphic jaguar.

The mascot is recently coming under fire for the sign he was seen holding against at recent game against the Pittsburgh Steelers of Pittsburgh. It seems the fans of the Steelers of Pittsburgh are known for frantically waving yellow towels at important intervals of the football game, and these towels are known as “Terrible Towels.”

During the game October 5th in Jacksonville, de Ville was caught holding a sign that read, “Towels Carry ebola,” referring to said Towels being waved about by the visiting team’s fans.

Silent until just yesterday, de Ville issued the following statement: “I had no idea that ebola was a terrible disease currently affecting thousands of people and can cause a horrible death. I was referring to an internet website page site where people all over the world bid on and buy and sell items over the net. My intent was not to offend anybody.”

While some detractors of the team, and of the NFL itself, whose image is nothing if not of a classy, stand-up, credible, law-abiding, straight and narrow organization, are calling for the mascot’s dismissal, his explanation seems credible. The same mascot came under fire in the past for previous signs he’d been seen holding at games.

During a 2009 home game against the Baltimore Ravens, de Ville carried a sign throughout the game saying he had a cure for the visiting team’s “Case of Bird Flu,” outraging people who thought he was minimizing the world outbreak of Avian influenza. He issued a similar apology at that time.

And in 2004, during a game against the visiting Indianapolis Colts, he held up a sign saying he hoped that “SARS gets those COLTS” ostensibly referring to the viral respiratory disease that had struck Asia. de Ville at that time insisted he was referring to “the government agency in charge of taxing people, I meant I hope the Colts players get audited. Simple mistake.”

Indeed, even nearly 15 years ago, de Ville was making similar blunders. During the last home game in December of that year, when the Jaguars were playing the Denver Broncos,  he displayed a sign saying he wished “The Broncos Plane Goes Down In A Horrible Accident because of Y2K and Everyone DIES !!”

No explanation was given by de Ville for that particular gaffe. Continue reading

Jan Hooks Dead At 57

Jan Hooks

Jan Hooks, right, in a dress rehearsal of the famous Brenda The Waitress sketch with Alec Baldwin, center, and RECOiL writer/director Brian DiMaio, right. DiMaio’s part was cut from the scene in the final sketch, allegedly at Hooks request. DiMaio would return the favor by casting Hooks in his film RECOiL and then cutting her scenes from the final cut.

New York—Comedienne and actress Jan Hooks, best known for her work on “Saturday Night Live,” died Thursday. She was 57.

The cause of death hasn’t been released, though her representatives said she had been battling a serious illness for some time.

Besides her brilliant work on “Saturday Night Live” when the show was actually pretty damn good (she was brilliant as Sinead O’Connor taking on Phil Hartman’s amazing Frank Sinatra in one of the best skits ever), Brooks also appeared on “Designing Women,” “Third Rock From the Sun” and as Jenna Maroney’s mother on “30 Rock.”

On the big screen, Hooks appeared in films like “Pee-Wee’s Big Adventure,” “Batman Returns,” “RECOiL” and “Jiminy Glick in Lalawood.”

No further details about her death were released.

“We Often Just Go Off on An Adventure And See Where Our Hearts Lead Us!” A TDQ Q&A With Actress Sondra Currie

Sondra Currie

You guys might not know this but here at The Daily Quarterly we consider ourselves a bit of a loner. A one-man wolf pack. But when we interviewed Sondra Currie we knew she was one of our own. And our wolf pack grew by one.

This week’s TDQ Q&A is with actress Sondra Currie. Sondra spoke to us about working on our favorite TV show of all time, “Magnum, PI,” as well as how the entertainment industry has changed over her career and her latest project, “Ganymede Pan.” Here is this week’s TDQ Q&A with actress Sondra Currie:

The Daily Quarterly: Who were your favorite actresses growing up?

Sondra Currie: Katharine Hepburn & Marilyn Monroe. Now, it’s Helen Mirren, Judi Dench and Cate Blanchett.

TDQ: What made you want to be in show business?

SC: It was in my DNA. My mom, Marie Harmon, was an actress.  It was the only thing I knew.

TDQ: What’s the best advice you’ve ever gotten?

SC: Study, study, study, and always look forward.  There’s a pearl in everything and I never, ever waste my time.

TDQ: What’s the worst advice you’ve ever gotten?

SC: Well, I think the worst was when an agent tried to convince me that I had to be “nice” to a producer to get a specific part. Terrible advice to give any young actress. And this agent also said, “I can’t handle you unless I really know you.” I think he was sued somewhere down the line. I do believe we have the power to just say “get your grubby paws off me.”

TDQ: Who are your influences?

SC: The Dahli Lama, Nelson Mandela, Marianne Williamson, Geraldine Page, Julie Harris and Angelina Jolie. Also, again Cate Blanchett, Helen Mirren, Vanessa Redgrave. There are a lot of them. I like mentors who, when faced with an obstacle, go around it or over it and stand tall. My Dad used to say to me, “You stand up, Currie. Dust yourself off and let them watch your smoke!”

TDQ: You played Zach Galifinakis’ mom in “The Hangover” trilogy. How did your work on that series compare to other movies you’ve made?

SC: Well it was heaven, to be able to be with “a family” for that length of time. And then it was so successful. I’m bribing all the Goddesses that, eventually, we have a Hangover Part 4! I always have a great time when I’m working. That’s what I love to do. It can be on film or in a play or in class at The Actors Studio.

TDQ: You’ve also worked on such classic TV shows as “Magnum, PI,” “Airwolf” and “Tales of the Gold Monkey,” three of our all-time favorites. How has the industry evolved since you acted on those shows, and, more importantly, did you get to fly in any of the aircraft in those awesome shows?

SC: No, I never got to fly. I’m so happy I got to be around and experience the camaraderie of those days. It was so much more personal and people were always lending a hand.

Sondra Currie

Sondra Currie may look like the matriarch next door but she can still play a space general in Ganymede Pan.

TDQ: Tell us about your upcoming pilot, “Ganymede Pan.”

SC: The universe is in grave danger! There are only five habitable colonies left and there’s a psychotropic substance that can mutate into any thing the “Golden Children” want. So, it depends on who controls them, of course. I play General Tai and I can be very lethal. I’m 2nd in charge and so far, you’re really not sure if I’m good or bad. “Ganymede Pan” is a renegade special forces pilot who I kidnap and bring him back into my force. It’s possible they have had a relationship but I have the upper hand for now. We have some fun aliens and other great bad guys! Continue reading

FSU Quarterback Jameis Winston Very Familiar With Being Places He Doesn’t Belong

Victoria Secret Fashion ShowTallahassee, FL—When word broke last weekend that crab leg-stealing Heisman Trophy-winning Florida State University quarterback Jameis Winston mysteriously found his way onto the playing field despite being suspended for the entire game against Clemson University for jumping up on a table in the student union at FSU and yelling an obscenity, it should really have come as no surprise.

Because that’s not the first time Winston has somehow found himself somewhere he didn’t belong, as all of the photos in this article will document.

Area 51Just last winter, Winston was seen backstage at a Victoria’s Secret fashion show in New York City. He did not face any disciplinary sanctions from Florida State and no charges were filed because none of the models would cooperate with police, as they “weren’t good looking enough like the hot ones on TV,” according to various Victoria’s Secret sources.

Alex Del PilarAnd several photos of Winston seemingly walking aimlessly and without care around Area 51 have been floating around the internet for several months.

We’ve also received word that Jameis Winston has been seen out on dinner dates with Manti Te’o’s ex-girlfriend on several occasions. Neither Te’o or his ex-girlfriend could be reached for comment. She clearly has a type, though.

Situation RoomPerhaps the most troublesome areas that Winston has somehow been able to find himself in have been inside the White House Situation Room, and at Camp David. It’s unclear if any of his teammates had joined him in either of these locales, as only Winston himself has been photographed there.

Camp DavidAnd we’ll be damned if he didn’t somehow find himself on the moon during Neil Armstrong’s moonwalk. The young man’s tenacious, there’s no denying that.

And if that jaunt into space wasn’t enough, Winston also somehow was on the set of the latest Star Wars film, and can be seen in the background when Harrison Ford injured himself earlier this year.

MoonWe’d say you should keep an eye on Winston as he finishes out his sophomore year at FSU, but with the way he finds himself in front of the camera so often, it’s really more difficult to not focus on him. Just ask the security officers at Publix.Star Wars SetPublix