Alleged Long-Lost Descendant Of Francis Scott Key’s Suing Over Back Royalties For “The Star-Spangled Banner”

One thing Francis Scott Key and alleged relative Roger Cadwallader have in common: they were both detained on a ship at one time in their lives.

Baltimore, MD—A man claiming to be a distant relative of National Anthem writer Francis Scott Key filed lawsuits yesterday in federal court against Major League Baseball, the National Football League and the National Basketball Association for “a bajillion dollars,” for unpaid royalties “spanning literally decades” over the use of “The Star-Spangled Banner” being played or sung prior to the beginning of professional sporting events.

Roger Cadwallader, 28, said he filed the lawsuit because “these fat cats have been screwing me and my family over for far too long, and I’m done letting them play the song that my great uncle, or great great grandfather, whatever he was, the song that he worked so long and hard and, truth be told, risked his life to compose. He nearly died in that cell on that ship out in the ocean writing that poem, and me and my family have never seen one dime from any sports association. Nothing. Well the rooster has come home to roost now, people.” Continue reading

Dan Marino: “It’ll Be A Cold Day In Hell Before Peyton Manning Is A Dolphin”

Don't make Dan Marino angry about his legacy. You wouldn't like him angry about his legacy.

Miami—With the announcement yesterday that idiot Indianapolis Colts owner Jim “follow me on Twitter” Irsay was releasing the best thing that ever happened to Indianapolis, Peyton Manning, speculation started as to where the future Hall of Famer will play out the remainder of his career, with the Dolphins as the odds-on favorite.

But not everyone was thrilled that Manning might bring his talents to South Beach. Former Dolphin great and actual current Hall of Famer Dan “Laces Out” Marino told reporters he would do everything in his power to prevent Manning from joining the Dolphins.

“Look, don’t push me on this,” Marino said. “Do you know who I am? I’m a legend, a legend, in Miami. I am without question the greatest quarterback ever to take a snap in a Dolphin uniform, and that will change over my dead body. Did you write that down?” Continue reading

NFL Running Back Ricky Williams Retires To… Ya Know… Spend More Time… With His Family. Yeah, For That Reason

Ricky Williams

Ricky Williams seen "smoking" the competition.

Baltimore—Running back Ricky Williams, who won the Heisman Trophy Award in 1998 while playing for Texas, and already retired from the NFL once in 2004 after supposedly failing a drug test, announced last week that he was retiring from football for good this time. Honest. No fooling. This is it.

Many people close to Williams and the Miami Dolphins, the team he was with when he first retired, felt that he chose marijuana over his teammates. Williams always insisted that wasn’t the case, it was just that his teammates never got him high.
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NFL Historian Not Yet Convinced Peyton Manning’s A Better Quarterback Than Ryan Leaf, Wants To Wait To Judge After BOTH Their Careers Are Over

Leaf vs. Manning

Leaf vs. Manning - only time will tell who will have had the better career.

Indianapolis, IN—With the remainder of his career in question as he recovers from two neck surgeries in 2011, many National Football League pundits would argue that Indianapolis Colts quarterback Peyton Manning is already a Hall of Fame-worthy player, and far superior to the other quarterback drafted high in the 1998 NFL draft, Ryan Leaf. Many, but not all pundits.

There is still one historian who said last week that it’s not prudent to make the call yet that Manning is better than Leaf, that history will have to decide that once both men have hung up their helmets, and not before.
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TDQ Investigates: How To Improve The NFL Pro Bowl

Circus of the NFL Stars

Circus of the NFL Stars: if they were better at football they wouldn't be in this mess!

So it seems NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell is unhappy with the annual spectacle/exhibition game played in Hawaii known as the Pro Bowl, and said before the Super Bowl last week that he may do away with the game itself, if the quality is so poor like this last one. And some football fans have been saying for years that it’d be more entertaining to see some sort of skills competition rather than a 68-65 football score-fest.

But we say take it one step further, and make it not just a skills competition, but bring back an 80s-staple of network TV that was unceremoniously taken off the airwaves long before its time. I’d love to see a “Circus of the NFL Stars!”
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