Jacksonville Jaguars Mascot: “I Thought Ebola Was A Bidding Website Where People Could Buy And Sell Items Online”

Jaguar's Ebola Incident

As we can see the Jacksonville mascot was only trying to make good on some sponsor signage that was ruined by a sports drink dumping celebration. Unfortunately that sponsor, edolla.biz, was not impressed.

Jacksonville, FL—About the only thing more unbelievable here in Jacksonville than the fact that the NFL team hasn’t relocated to London is the recent actions of the team’s mascot, one Jaxson de Ville, a daredevil, bungee-jumping anthropomorphic jaguar.

The mascot is recently coming under fire for the sign he was seen holding against at recent game against the Pittsburgh Steelers of Pittsburgh. It seems the fans of the Steelers of Pittsburgh are known for frantically waving yellow towels at important intervals of the football game, and these towels are known as “Terrible Towels.”

During the game October 5th in Jacksonville, de Ville was caught holding a sign that read, “Towels Carry ebola,” referring to said Towels being waved about by the visiting team’s fans.

Silent until just yesterday, de Ville issued the following statement: “I had no idea that ebola was a terrible disease currently affecting thousands of people and can cause a horrible death. I was referring to an internet website page site where people all over the world bid on and buy and sell items over the net. My intent was not to offend anybody.”

While some detractors of the team, and of the NFL itself, whose image is nothing if not of a classy, stand-up, credible, law-abiding, straight and narrow organization, are calling for the mascot’s dismissal, his explanation seems credible. The same mascot came under fire in the past for previous signs he’d been seen holding at games.

During a 2009 home game against the Baltimore Ravens, de Ville carried a sign throughout the game saying he had a cure for the visiting team’s “Case of Bird Flu,” outraging people who thought he was minimizing the world outbreak of Avian influenza. He issued a similar apology at that time.

And in 2004, during a game against the visiting Indianapolis Colts, he held up a sign saying he hoped that “SARS gets those COLTS” ostensibly referring to the viral respiratory disease that had struck Asia. de Ville at that time insisted he was referring to “the government agency in charge of taxing people, I meant I hope the Colts players get audited. Simple mistake.”

Indeed, even nearly 15 years ago, de Ville was making similar blunders. During the last home game in December of that year, when the Jaguars were playing the Denver Broncos,  he displayed a sign saying he wished “The Broncos Plane Goes Down In A Horrible Accident because of Y2K and Everyone DIES !!”

No explanation was given by de Ville for that particular gaffe. Continue reading

Redskins Announce They Are Changing The Team Name To The Washington Daniel Snyders

The Washington Daniel Snyders

Looks like someone has been reading “Harnessing the Power of Spite to Achieve Your Goals.” (Available from Amazon in paperback and Kindle.)

Washington, D.C.—Ending years and years and years of debate and calls for change, the Washington Redskins announced yesterday that they were finally falling to public pressure and changing the name of their professional football team to the Washington Daniel Snyders, after the team’s owner, Daniel Snyder.

The 47 year-old billionaire has owned the team since 1999, and for more than a decade, has been under fire and under immense pressure to change the team’s name, including recent comments from President Obama calling for a name change.

“The Cleveland Browns, back in the day, were named for their first head coach, whatever his name was, at least until they wised up and moved to my neighboring city of Baltimore, so why can’t the Redskins, the great, noble, epic Redskins, be named for their owner? Their rich, good-looking, philanthropic, handsome owner?” Snyder said.

The team’s colors will change from maroon and yellow to black and white, and the offensive logo currently on the side of the team’s helmet will be replaced by a caricature of Snyder holding a cutlass in his mouth, akin to the old Tampa Bay Buccaneers logo, referred to as “Buccaneer Bruce.”

Snyder confessed he isn’t the first current NFL owner to contemplate changing his team’s name to his own, he is merely the first to act on it. “I’m not naming names, but just imagine a ‘Home Depot’ orange team in Atlanta, called the ‘Atlanta Blanks,’ or teams trying to keep up with the ‘Dallas Joneses,’ with a giant dollar sign on their helmets.”

NFL commissioner Roger Goodell released a statement last night, saying in part, “Okay, he’s changing the name. I don’t give a rat’s ass what he’s changed it to, but can we now quit talking about it? Please? Are we done? I have other things to tend to, like pretending to care about what’s going on in the locker room of the Dolphins and trying to make sure Manti Te’o isn’t pretending to date ghosts and whatnot.”

Manti Te’o Forms Great, Meaningful Relationship With Head Coach Of St. Louis Gunners NFL Team

St. Louis Gunners

Te’o held what he is referring to as a “press conference” to announce the news.

Bradenton, FL-—Former Notre Dame player and current NFL hopeful Manti Te’o told reporters yesterday that he met and quickly developed a very deep, strong relationship with the head coach of the St. Louis Gunners of the NFL while he was at the NFL combine in Indianapolis last week.

“I just… I feel like we really clicked,” Te’o said. “The scouts, the head coach, the GM, we all got along really, really well. I’m excited about the future of my relationship with the St. Louis Gunners organization.”

Te’o said he even spent the first few nights after the combine on the phone late with the Gunners head coach, and fell asleep with his phone to his ear. “It was so peaceful, hearing him breathing on the other end of the phone. And I know it helped him get through the night as well.” Continue reading

Phineas Downey Looking For Heads To Roll Over Super Bowl Power Outage

Phineas Downey?

Is this the first known picture of Phineas Downey? We don’t know. It’s too dark.

New Orleans-Former “Deeder” Leader and world-class over-reactor Phineas Downey for some reason felt the need to weigh in on the events surrounding the Super Bowl and the 34-minute power outage that interrupted the game during the third quarter last week. It’s unclear if anyone associated with the NFL, the City of New Orleans or the Superdome contacted Downey, but there he was yesterday sticking his nose in the Crescent City’s business.

“I’m not all that familiar with the rules and traditions of football,” Downey said at a press conference, “or soccer as it’s called in the rest of the world, but from all the research I’ve done since this incident, it’s clear to me that someone made a huge mistake, they’re fortunate no one was seriously injured and somebody needs to go to jail for this grievous, terrible tragedy. It’s un-conscionable that no one has been arrested yet this long after the match was held in New Orleans, the town so lovingly referred to as The Large Easy.”
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Dial-A-Down Manufacturer Trying To Find New Sport To Market Product To Besides Just Football


Dial-A-Down, Ball, Strike, Out, Basket, Goal, whatever: Dial-A-Down is looking to expand its market beyond football.

Cleveland, OH—Pioneer Athletics, the makers of all those dial-a-down stick marker things you see being held on the sidelines of the football matches you’re forced to watch on Thanksgiving when your loud-mouthed jock cousin refuses to let you finish watching the parade, just like he does every year, even though you’ve tried to make it abundantly clear since you were in junior high school that you could care less about football or whom the Cowboys of Dallas are playing this year and whether they have a chance at making the “post season,” whatever the hell that is, is looking for a new sport to market their famous device, since it seems not too many other sporting contests require a large pole with orange numerals atop it that change from 1 to 2 to 3 to 4.

A spokesman for the company said they are looking to other sports to see which of them could use some scoring revamping. “We think the most obvious sport for us to get a foothold in is probably this baseball thing,” Trip Wiernik, director of marketing for Pioneer Athletics said. “I mean, assuming it’s got staying power and isn’t a fad. They’ve got those strikes, and those outs, they only go up to three. But they also have pitches, they have pitches that are called what they refer to as ‘balls,’ also. And they go up to four. So, conceivably, baseball would have reason to use up to three different dial-a-downs. It’s really a no-brainer. But nobody at MLB headquarters will return our calls.”
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