Is this the first known picture of Phineas Downey? We don’t know. It’s too dark.
New Orleans-Former “Deeder” Leader and world-class over-reactor Phineas Downey for some reason felt the need to weigh in on the events surrounding the Super Bowl and the 34-minute power outage that interrupted the game during the third quarter last week. It’s unclear if anyone associated with the NFL, the City of New Orleans or the Superdome contacted Downey, but there he was yesterday sticking his nose in the Crescent City’s business.
“I’m not all that familiar with the rules and traditions of football,” Downey said at a press conference, “or soccer as it’s called in the rest of the world, but from all the research I’ve done since this incident, it’s clear to me that someone made a huge mistake, they’re fortunate no one was seriously injured and somebody needs to go to jail for this grievous, terrible tragedy. It’s un-conscionable that no one has been arrested yet this long after the match was held in New Orleans, the town so lovingly referred to as The Large Easy.”
Kansas City, MO—
Don’t let the name fool you. There is nothing “great” about patches of garbage in the Pacific.
Seeing that he hasn’t gotten his name in the press all that much as of late, former Deeder leader Phineas Downey
called a news conference to announce he has undertaken a new controversial stance, this time alleging that the well-known Great Pacific Ocean garbage patch is “almost certainly made up, and even if it does exist, there’s no way it’s nearly as large as the extreme, alarmist environmental-types are saying it is.”
Downey said that any photographic evidence he’s ever seen of what scientists “allege is this horrible patch seems awful, awful doctored to me. It’s just like a grainy picture of Bigfoot or the mythical Loch Ness Monster as far as I’m concerned.”
Downey said he’s flown to Hawaii and Fiji plenty of times in the past, and has yet to notice any large, Texas-sized collection of garbage, despite looking nearly every single time he gets a window seat.
USPS Publication 28, Postal Addressing Standards, Section 22.3 is clear about the use of city abbreviations. It is acceptable, but not preferred.
Washington, DC—Mere days into the new year, former Deeder leader Phineas Downey has found something else to gripe about, another “cause” he’s created and finds himself at the forefront of. And this time, it’s about writing addresses on mail. Really.
Downey, apparently not content to spend the holidays with whatever poor folks make up his family, was clearly looking for his next made-up cause hoping to start 2012 in the news cycle.
TDQ scientists pitted rock, paper, and scissors against each other in the laboratory. The results were clear. Rock rules, paper sucks.
Phineas Downey is now taking his considerable skills in annoyance and attacking the school playgrounds, trying to ban the game rock-paper-scissors.
Downey is trying to get teachers, parents and school boards all over the country to sign his online petition to stop the game and ban it from recess and school playgrounds nationwide.
“It saddens me and sickens me that in this day and age, children are still engaging in, and schools are still allowing, a game that promotes violence, vandalism and intolerance,” Downey said. “If I ever have children, I hope that they can grow up in a world without these sorts of dangerous activities being so commonplace in our schools.”
Detroit—Phineas Downey is in the news again, this time for his attempts to oust Audrey Hogan, current president of the Anti-Hypocrisy Association of America (AHAA). Downey said that he’s only responding to calls he received from the group, and that if Hogan had kept promises she made before taking over, her position would not be in jeopardy.
“AHAA has said, time and time again, that we are inclusive of people from all walks of life and backgrounds and don’t judge others,” said Downey, who only became a member of the organization last week. “But it’s clear that Ms. Hogan does not share AHAA’s vision any longer, and therefore, she needs to go.”