Kidnappers Petitioning Microsoft To Add “Ransom Note” Font To Windows

MS Ransom Font

Let’s be honest. If people are still even reading magazines it is on their tablet or, maybe, in a waiting room. And who wants to make a ransom note in a waiting room?

Redmond, WA—Microsoft has remained tightlipped to date, but a huge recent push by a kidnappers advocacy group for the addition of so-called “ransom note” font to the next Windows addition has finally been picked up on by the national media.

CNN recently interviewed the group’s leader, “Bob,” who insisted on last wee’s Don Lemon show that this sort of font would “save tons of time, energy and money for the nations’ abductors, which would in turn, save ransom time.”

“I mean, think about it,” “Bob” told Don, “all the time it takes for us to painstakingly cut out and paste letters in the notes we send to the families of our abducted people could be cut in at least half if we could just use the proper font to write the letters. It’s literally a no-brainer. And Windows is not addressing the issue.”

“Bob” insisted that if Microsoft executives did not finally take their plight seriously, there would be consequences that the software company really didn’t want to have to experience. And they would face these consequences soon.

Indeed, known South American drug cartel members echoed “Bob’s” sentiments, as well as cartel representatives in Mexico, which has seen its industrial kidnapping syndicate more than triple in the past decade. And reports indicate those numbers will only continue to grow.

“The market is there,” “Bob” said. “It’s supply and demand, simple economics. I am certain that if Bill Gates still was at the helm of Windows, this would already have been done by now. In fact, I may have to personally ask him myself soon if the Microsoft people don’t pay attention. Would they really want that? For me to personally ask him? I doubt it.”

Word Templates

A nice ransom font is a good start but todays customers will also expect some helpful templates to get them started.

But the magazine industry has repeatedly voiced their opinion that such a font would hurt their sales. Magazine lobbyist Nathan “National Geographic” House said that the companies he represents have already seen steady sales decline due to the internet. “Take away the people that use our products to prepare ransom notes, and you may as well shut us down. It’s sad. And it’s a scary time.”

Calls for comment from Microsoft executives were not returned at press time.

TDQ Investigates: Getting Your Election Recommendations From T.I.


T.I. is said to be shopping around a weekly show about politics. He feels this next presidential election is too important for him not to get his advice heard.

Far be it from us to give rapper T.I. a hard time for admitting he would have a hard time voting for Hillary Clinton or any other woman for that matter, to be the Leader of the Free World. Man spoke from his heart. He’s just a little bit wary of the very real possibility of some lady setting off a nuke since they make those “rash decisions emotionally.”

Amen, brother. We’re married. We get it. If we had a dollar for every rash decision our wives made emotionally, we’d be rich. Almost as rich as T.I.

But it got us wondering if he had folks listening intently to whomever he would endorse for president. Is he going to drop a sick beat (sorry, Taylor Swift) just before the election next year to tell his fans how he thinks they should “rock the vote?” (Is that still a thing? Aside from “Teen Mom OG,” we don’t watch MTV in our house. Do musicians and VJs still do commercials telling viewers to Rock the Vote?)

How thoroughly is he watching the debates? Was he one of the record number of viewers who tuned in to the Democratic debate on CNN recently? Is he sick about hearing about Hillary’s e-mails too? What rhymes with “Hillary’s e-mails too?”

We personally think it would be great if he would do an op-ed piece for the New York Times or maybe Politico about who he thinks should live in the White House come January 2017. That would be great. Or maybe he could do some prognosticating on now that Nate Silver is too busy lowering himself to covering sports. (New England Patriots versus Roger Goodell? How crass.)

We’re not sure what school T.I. got his political science degree from. Maybe he got it online. Or maybe at Moore Educational Tech. We don’t judge.

We’re just glad he took the time out to inform us of his well-thought-out, well-researched, informed views. He can pen something for us anytime.

You are now informed. Go and do likewise.

Four Years And Counting, People

Four Years of The Daily Quarterly

Four Years of The Daily Quarterly.

February 11, 2011: A day which will live in awesomeness. It’s been four years, people, four years since we first informed you and stressed that you should do likewise. Four years of exposing the ridiculousness rampant in Karlsfield, Vermont; four years of bringing you the hard-hitting interviews that Diane Sawyer only wished she could land and four years of touting how amazingly hot Canadian women are.

Since we started this site, we’ve written our first book, shown CNN to be the terribly unprofessional, hack journalists they are and started the ball rolling on getting Brian Williams ousted over at NBC.

And the future looks even brighter. We can’t yet comment on “Harnessing the Power of Spite to Achieve Your Goals” being optioned as movie, but if the big-screen adaptation of “Fifty Shades of Gray” is as big a sensation as they expect it to be, then there’s a good chance our little gift to literature will be box-office gold.

We know plenty of you want to send us gifts for this momentous day, but please, know: the mere fact that you still take 10 or 15 minutes three to eight times a day to read our site, and click on every single one of our ads on here, that is gift enough.

And re-tweeting all of our witticisms is just icing on the cake.

We’ll keep giving you the terrific interviews you’ve come to expect, and we’ve got plenty more big-name, pompous anchor jack-asses both on cable and network TV that we can take down a rung or two. There is absolutely no shortage of those.

Plus, the elections are just now getting revved up, so there will be plenty of political commentary and punditry we will be bringing you that you know us so well for. Don’t worry, this fifth year has a good chance to be our best one yet. At least until the next year.

You are now informed. Go and do likewise. Continue reading

Former Basketball Competitor Robert “Showboat” Hall Dies At

Robert Hall

Robert Hall, right, in a publicity photo with short term team mate and The Daily Quarterly editor Brian DiMaio, left. DiMaio parted ways with the team when it was determined that he was unable to keep the minimum of three basketballs in continuous motion for the minimum amount of time.

Detroit—Robert “Showboat” Hall, who played for a mind-blowing 25 seasons with the Harlem Globetrotters professional basketball squad, died on Christmas Eve. His age has not been released publicly, so we’ll just act like CNN and guess that he was 90 or so.

Hall joined the Globetrotters in 1949, and became player-coach in 1968. According to the team (and we double-checked this, since it seems unbelievable), he played more than 5000 games in nearly 90 countries around the world. He retired from the team in 1974.

Alas, even though one of the Scooby-Doo episodes that the Globetrotters appeared in was titled, “The Haunted Showboat,” it doesn’t appear that Showboat Hall himself was in that episode. And he had already retired when the Globetrotters made their way to Gilligan’s Island in 1981.

Services are pending. Scooby-Doo has not yet commented on Hall’s death. Continue reading

TDQ Investigates: Fareed Zakariah’s Sins Extend All The Way To Us, Too

Fareed Zakariah

One thing is sure: Fareed Zakariah always has a place here at The Daily Quarterly.

We didn’t read much stuff written by CNN’s Fareed Zakariah, who was caught a couple weeks back lifting parts of other writers’ works and passing them off as his own in The New York Times. In the great tradition of journalistic plagiarism and lies, Zakariah was caught and has been suspended by the various news outlets he wrote for.

Now, we at TDQ love a good scandal, especially a good journalism scandal. We’re still mesmerized by the Stephen Glass saga, and were thrilled when we landed a TDQ Q&A with journalist Adam Penenberg. (Chuck Lane, Glass’ editor The New Republic who had to try and clean up his mess, recently politely declined to do a TDQ Q&A.)
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