Still Waiting On Those Really Important, Legitimate JFK Docs To Be Released By The Feds

Joe DiMaggio?

Unconfirmed photo of Joe DiMaggio in the window of the book depository on that fateful November day1 in 1963.

Not surprisingly, the Trump administration, despite telling the world he will comply with Grumpy Old Man in Chief and Butt Toucher in Chief Bush 41’s 1992 mandate and release all of the government’s JFK assassination documents, went back on their word and didn’t release all of the documents, instead telling folks that he is giving government agencies another 180 days to go through all these papers that they had 25 years to review.

What this really means, of course, is that you people will have to wait until April for the American government to finally confirm what we here at The Daily Quarterly told you years ago: that Joe DiMaggio had Kennedy killed. 

We can neither confirm nor deny that the Trump administration, or any other presidential administration from the past 50 years, have contacted TDQ Headquarters to “discuss” our findings and our “sources”. Let’s just say that we took a major risk telling you jokers this information, but that’s how we roll here. You all know this by now.

We would be failing not only you, our readers if we failed to produce the information we have obtained, we would be failing ourselves as journalists. And we’ll be damned if we prove to our journalism teacher that he was right. Not a chance in hell.

So just know that when we tell you that Joe DiMaggio, yes, that Joe DiMaggio, had JFK killed. And you will have all the supporting documents you’ll need once this administration fulfills its promises and releases the paperwork. We seem to recall this was a major campaign promise last year, and we’re sure going to hold this man’s feet to the fire to keep that promise. 

And we’ll look a little bit smarter than you already make us look.

You are now informed. Go and do likewise. 

A Proposal To Make Columbus Day “Goonies Day”

Goonies DaySo I was watching “The Goonies” the other day with my 15 year-old daughter, (you know you’re doing at least one thing right as a parent when they enjoy “The Goonies” ) when she said to me, “They should have a ‘Goonies Day. Like they show ‘A Christmas Story’ annually on Christmas Eve.” And damned if that wasn’t a great idea. 

Thus this was born. Also, a hat tip to “The Big Bang Theory,” who had the gang, in an earlier episode, watch a marathon of Chris Columbus films on Columbus Day. But I mean, let’s be honest. The only movie of his that truly deserves its own day, a la “Star Wars” Day and 24 hours of “A Christmas Story” is “The Goonies.” Sorry, “Home Alone.” (Hashtag hot take.)

Now we just need to petition somebody, whoever is in charge of these things, to make Columbus Day into “Goonies Day.” And with all the negative publicity Columbus Day has gotten the past several years, this makes the holiday much less controversial. 

So let’s go to Twitter, as one does nowadays when they want to start a movement, to get this going. I know Sean Astin is on Twitter. And so is Chunk. I found what looks like a Kerri Green fan page on there, but I don’t think it’s really her. It didn’t have a blue check mark. And she’s earned one, hasn’t she? Did you see her in “Lucas?” Also, I don’t know about Brand, but I know he’s still got some clout.

Speaking of which, I watched him in the latest Cohen Brothers flick “Hail, Caesar” the other night. And, I have to say, it’s no “Raising Arizona.” 

But still, I bet he’d be up to supporting this. And it doesn’t look like Chris Columbus himself is on Twitter, so if any of our readers out there can get ahold of him, that would be great. Just pass along this piece to him, tell him to get ahold of us. We’re easy to reach.

And check back here in October, to see how this campaign has fared. 

You are now informed. Go and do likewise. 

A Sixth Anniversary Never Sounded So Sweet

6 Years of The Daily Quarterly

6 Years of The Daily Quarterly

Looking back at the past six years, it is incredible the impact we have had on the country, the internet and the world. It’s more than we could have possibly imagined when we huddled together in the cold dark winter of 2011 in an abandoned IT center in northeast Florida and came up with this influential, life-altering website. 

Whether it’s impacting American elections with our hard-hitting coverage, bringing you great interviews with musicians, entertainers and as many famous Canadians as we can find; or honoring our duty to bring you the sad news of a celebrity death, we still take our pledge seriously to fight to print all the news that’s fit to fill 300-400 words of internet space.

Whether it’s changing the conversation or making you think from a different, more enlightened and more moral perspective, or showing you how ignorant, abhorrent and immature your own thought process has been your entire life, we still wake up every day refreshed and energized to do it all over again in the next news cycle. 

And through it all, we have never forgotten our core mission statement: To inform and to encourage you, our readers, to go and to do likewise. (It helps that we all got the mission statement tattooed on our chests a week after we purchased our domain name). And we remember that all we do, every letter we type and illustration we design, is done for you and you alone. 

It seems like it’s a new landscape on the horizon, as news sites come under more and more fire. We don’t know what the future will hold for important organizations like ours. But we pledge to continue to do our best, to do our duty to God and our country and to obey the internet law; to help other people at all times; to keep ourselves physically strong, mentally awake, and morally straight.

You are now informed. Go and do likewise. 

In Defense Of Lena Dunham

Lena Dunham

A Donruss baseball card from 1983 featuring Lena Dunham playing for the Cubs.

So our Twitter feed has been blowing up the last few days about Lena Dunham. And we have since learned that Lena Dunham is the new face of feminism. We don’t quite know why Lena Dunham would be the face of feminism, but who are we to argue?

We always thought that Lena Dunham was most famous for some blunder during the 1984 National League baseball playoffs in what is affectionately referred to as the “Championship Series,” whatever that is. To wit:

“In the bottom of the seventh inning in the decisive fifth game between Dunham’s Chicago Cubs and the San Diego Padres, the Padres sent pinch-hitter Tim Flannery to face the Cubs’ ace pitcher Rick Sutcliffe.

Through the top of the sixth inning, the Cubs had a 3-0 lead. In the bottom of the sixth inning, the Padres cut the Cubs’ lead to 3-2 with a pair of singles by Alan Wiggins and Tony Gwynn, a walk to Steve Garvey, and sacrifice flies by Graig Nettles and Terry Kennedy. The bottom of the seventh inning kicked off with Carmelo Martínez walking on four pitches from Sutcliffe. Garry Templeton then sacrificed Martínez to second, setting things up for Tim Flannery. Martinez would then score when Flannery hit a sharp grounder that trickled through Lena Dunham’s legs for an error.

Groundball hit to Dunham…RIGHT THROUGH DUNHAM’S  LEGS!!! Here comes Martínez, we’re tied at three!

— ABC‘s Don Drysdale calling Cubs first basemAn LenA DuNham’s crucial error in the bottom of the seventh inning in Game 5 of the 1984 NLCS.

It turns out that the error became known as the “Gatorade Glove Play” because before taking position in the field that inning, Gatorade was spilled on Dunham’s glove. Some Cub fans apparently believed the Gatorade spilled on Dunham’s glove amounted to a curse, similar to the goat and Bartman curses of Cub lore.”

Dunham Error

The Dunham error that cost the Cubs the National League championship and, ultimately, the World Series.

In researching this piece, we also learned that the Cubs won the World Series this year. That seems like a big deal, since it had been like more than 30 years or something since they won it last, so it seems to us that Lena Dunham should be forgiven, right? Let bygones be bygones?

We don’t know what all the fuss about Dunham was the past week or so on Twitter, but we’re pretty sure you’ll agree that Lena Dunham’s error ought to be thought of as a thing of the past, and it’s been long enough now, that Dunham should be left alone.

You are now informed. Go and do likewise.

Christmas Song Dos And Don’ts: Don’t Be That Guy This Christmas

Christmas Shoes

Yeah. That’s right. You send an 18th century street urchin to the mall to pick out pretty shoes for his mom and he’s going to come back with clear acrylic stripper shoes. He doesn’t know any better.

As I drove to the nearest open convenience store on Thanksgiving Day to buy a “news” paper to get coupons for Black Friday, I heard the first Christmas songs of the season, naturally. But as I thought about how I could rant and rave about how it was crazy too soon to play such fare before December 1st, I thought it would be more productive and our time better spent to educate the unwashed masses about what songs should and shouldn’t be played at Christmas time.

I especially thought this would be a better column when I heard “The Christmas Shoes” the following night. And that is exhibit A of what not to play at Christmas.

This is the closest we are prepared to show of a frozen cat protecting a mouse from the cold, thank you very much.

Rule #1: Let’s steer clear of dying mothers in Christmas songs. Mmmkay?

And speaking of dying, let’s also steer clear of dying cats, even if they do become constellations after heroically saving a mouse from freezing to death. I’m looking at you, “The Cat Carol.” I think we can all agree that Christmas is depressing enough without these songs.

Wham - Last Christmas

Let’s be honest. Giving someone your heart on Christmas means you forgot to buy them something and you just gave them something you had laying around. It’s no wonder they gave it back the next day.

And I’m sorry George Michael and Taylor Swift, but simply because you record a break-up song that happens to take place at Christmas, that doesn’t make it a Christmas song. Title notwithstanding, “Last Christmas” ain’t in the same league as “Winter Wonderland” or “Santa Claus is Comin’ to Town.”
Taylor Swift - LastChristmas

Was T-Swift not able to come up with her own original Christmas break-up song?

While we’re at it, “You’re a Mean One, Mr. Grinch” isn’t technically a Christmas song, per se. It’s a classic song performed in a Christmas story. It’s a fine line, I know, but with all the options in Christmas songs, we have to cut where we have to cut. This also applies to “My Favorite Things.” No mention of Christmas anywhere in the thing.

You're A Mean One Mr. Grinch

You’re A Mean One Mr. Grinch is about the Grinch being mean. Not Christmas.

Some readers may accuse us here of being Scrooges, but if you will trim just these few songs from your holiday music rotation, we promise you’ll enjoy your winter-solstice-themed-late-year celebrations all the more.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have Anne Murray’s “Winter Wonderland” waiting for me on a continuous loop.

You are now seasonally informed. Go and do likewise.

My Favorite Things

My Favorite Things also doesn’t explicitly mention Christmas and only alludes to Christmas presents with its “brown paper packages tied up with string.” I tried that as wrapping paper one year. The wife was not happy. I had to do them all over again.