Safety Analyst Tells You The Best Way To Avoid Having Your Identity Stolen

Cyber Security

Only you can prevent cybercrime. Or, maybe that’s forest fires.

New York—George Collins, a safety analyst with COX Safenet in New York City, a firm that helps consumers prevent having their identity stolen, has written a new book with tips he’s gleaned from his long career to help protect consumers from identity theft. Here are the things he says you can do to protect yourself in his book, which is available on

Tip 1: Never buy anything off Amazon. “I don’t trust their security on their site. I don’t trust anybody’s security on any site. Only pay cash for items face to face. It’s much safer.”

Tip 2: When you get a new credit card to replace your old one, spend at least 45 minutes cutting the old card up, and throw the pieces in no fewer than a dozen different garbage cans. “Back in the 1990s, I would take cruises each time I got a replacement credit card so I could toss sections of my cut up cards over the side of the ship out in the ocean. Like in that that old ‘Columbo’ episode where Robert Vaughn tosses those latex gloves overboard after shooting the singer of the cruise ship band. SPOILER ALERT: Columbo nabbed him anyway.” Collins said in his book that even if you can’t take a cruise each time you get a new card, you should at the very least spend close to an hour cutting up your old card into as many small pieces as you can, take a road trip to no less than six cities in three different states, and throw the pieces of the card away into at least 12 different trash cans. Even the most ambitious identity thief would be hard pressed to piece that card back together.

Tip 3: Give your significant other a fake PIN number. “You can’t trust anybody. You’ll know they’re trying to steal your identity when they tell you the PIN isn’t correct. George Costanza had the right idea. I’ve never told any of my six wives my actual PIN, and it’s served me well.”

Tip 4: Make your internet passwords as convoluted and hard to crack as possible. And don’t write them down ever. “I use symbols, numbers, even symbols from foreign languages, and I am constantly forgetting them, my passwords are so well-constructed. It takes a little more time whenever I have to go personally visit customer service to reset my password at my bank, but it’s well worth it.”

Collins said he can personally help you ensure your identity will be totally safe. He can be reached via e-mail, and all you have to do to get his personal service is send him your date of birth, social security number, mother’s maiden name and the name or your childhood best friend. Just allow 4-6 weeks for his services to kick in after that. Continue reading

Sad, Pathetic Sports Minority Desperately Wanting Nation To Care About Whatever Is Going On In FIFA

FIFA Un-American Football

FIFA Un-American Football

Denver—Despite decades of overwhelming evidence to the contrary, self-desribed “uber soccer fan” Austin Adams is adamant that the United States of America should and does care about whatever the hell is going on in FIFA.

Apparently, the U.S. Justice Department issued some arrest warrants or bench warrants or treaties or something last week that led to a number (three? nine? 20? Who knows?) of arrests for, something. Maybe embezzlement, maybe bribery, maybe whatever Leonardo DiCaprio was arrested for in “Wolf of Wall Street.”

And it seems that in Adams’ pot-hazed mind, he expects most Americans, whether they like real sports or not, to give a rat’s rear end about the people arrested and the charges the U.S. Attorney General is trying to levy against them. Maybe extradition is involved, too? Who really knows. Continue reading

TDQ Investigates: Is Jane Goodall The Latest Celebrity To Get Into Bed With “Big Whale?”

Jane Goodall

While a direct association between Goodall and whaling has been difficult to prove internet detectives have found this recent photo from Instagram user CaptainAyyy captioned “Fishing for the big one.”

We were afraid this would happen. It was only a matter of time.

The recent news of famed monkey scientist Jane Goodall jumping on the bandwagon and calling for SeaWorld to be closed down is just another example of a well-known celebrity, or spokesperson or athlete who say one thing about sea creatures and dolphins and the like, but who really are in the pockets of Big Whale.

And as anybody with a primate brain knows, Big Whale really wants every single whale currently residing at aquariums and water parks and the like to be released back into the wild, so they can be hunted down, Moby Dick-style, for their blubber and whale oil, like it’s 1850 again. It’s just another offshoot of the Illuminati.

But you loyal readers of The Daily Quarterly already know this.

Celebr-activists like Gwyneth Paltrow, George Clooney and Rosie O’Donnell are all famous pawns in Big Whale’s game, causing distractions in an effort to take our attention away from the real issue: Mind control and the brainwashing that is and has been running rampant in Hollywood.

Goodall and her ilk aren’t worried about the other animals SeaWorld takes care of and keeps off the streets and provides an education for. You think dolphins could last a week on their own out in the world? They need to be hand fed and taught to jump through literal hoops on a daily basis. And without kids on school field trips who buy shrimp to feed them, how will the sting rays eat on a daily basis? Is Jane going to provide them food every day? Of course not, she only deals with monkeys.

And what about the penguins? What about the penguins?

In typical Big Whale form, just like many other “celebrities,” The Jane Goodall Institution did not immediately respond to a request for comment. And that, sadly, is telling in and of itself.

You are now informed. Go and do likewise. Continue reading

TDQ Investigates: The Coca-Cola Freestyle Machine, AKA The Devil’s Soda Fountain

Coca Cola Freestyle

It should be no surprise that earlier iterations of the Freestyle allowed 666 flavor combinations; If you count Diet-Vanilla-Grape-Ginger-Tea-Ale as a flavor that is.

I knew the first time I saw it that it was gonna be trouble. It was only a matter of time.

The Coca-Cola Freestyle soda fountain, now seen in pretty much every damn fast food restaurant in America, was first introduced in 2009 and touts that it offers more than 100 different types of fountain drinks on its touchscreen display. Like an iPad attached to a soda fountain.

The selling point is that now consumers can mix and match and add flavors to their soft drinks that heretofore they could only dream about. But the problem with that is, mainstream fast food patrons of America aren’t capable of concocting soda fountain drinks on their own. There is a reason Coke and Pepsi and those other companies employ R&D gurus and spend all that money on focus groups and stuff. They know what they’re doing, and we don’t.

“It let me make Diet Orange Coke,” TDQ co-founder Karl Fields said recently. “I was at the same time embarrassed at myself for trying to think outside the box and angry at the Coke people for letting me even try it. As I cursed myself while driving home what seemed like an eternity later, it occurred to me that there’s no Diet Orange Coke on the shelves. They knew!” Continue reading

Harrison Ford Blames Navicomputer For Plane Crash On California Golf Course

Harrison Ford Golf Course Crash

A craft piloted by smuggler Harrison Ford set down hard in a sand trap at the Penmar Golf Course. Course representatives say they will hold Ford responsible for replacing his divot.

Santa Monica, CA—Preliminary reports as well as released radio transmissions indicate that actor Harrison Ford, best known for portraying Indiana Jones in “Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skulls,” is blaming his airplane’s navicomputer for his crash on a California golf course Thursday afternoon.

Ford’s press agent released a statement quoting the 72 year-old thespian and star of “The Mosquito Coast,” who explained the intricacies of air flight, saying, “Traveling through hyperspace ain’t like dusting crops, boy! Without precise calculations we could fly right through a star or bounce too close to a supernova, and that’d end your trip real quick, wouldn’t it?”

It is unclear at this point what exactly caused the crash, with the NTSB still investigating. But sources close to the investigation, who spoke on the condition of anonymity, are also blaming the plane’s controls, which would back up the “Sabrina” star’s conversation with airport employees near the crash site.

Recordings of radio transmissions made between Ford and air traffic controllers showed Ford insisting everything had returned to normal working order, with the actor saying, “We had a slight malfunction, but uh… everything’s perfectly all right now. We’re fine. We’re all fine here now, thank you. How are you?”

A hospital spokesperson confirmed Ford’s condition yesterday, saying “Yes, he’s alive, and in perfect hibernation.”

When asked to describe the aircraft being flown by Ford at the time of his crash, his publicist again quoted Ford, who said of the Clone War II vintage craft, “She’ll make point five past lightspeed. She may not look like much, but she’s got it where it counts, kid. I’ve made a lot of special modifications myself.”

Ford’s publicist ended his press release by quoting the “What Lies Beneath” actor, who remained in stable condition at last reports, as re-iterating, “I shot first! Remember, I shot first!” Continue reading