Hooker Suing Charlie Sheen After His HIV Announcement: “I Have Nothing To Blackmail Him About Now”

Cheyenne Sienna, who did not want to be blurred but we insisted to protect our readers, is looking for new blackmail ideas.

Cheyenne Sienna, who did not want to be blurred but we insisted to protect our readers, is looking for new blackmail ideas.

West Hollywood, CA—A prostitute filed suit against HIV-positive actor Charlie Sheen yesterday, arguing that by announcing his status on “The Today Show” last week, he took away the only information she had that she could use to blackmail him with.

Cheyenne Sienna, whose real name is Tammy Debbie Farrah, said in her lawsuit, that by announcing to the world that he was HIV-positive, Sheen “blatantly, intentionally and with malice and forethought took away a revenue stream” that would have allowed her to hold this information over Sheen’s head for the foreseeable future.

“My client’s entire future now is in peril,” said Farrah’s attorney, Urban Myer. “This man, Mr. Sheen, completely took away any possibility of a stable future for Ms. Sienna and her three children. The shelf life for a young woman in her line of work is a short one. But he took it upon himself to tell the world, on national television, no less, rather than pay my client a substantial amount every month for the rest of his life for her silence. What he did is un-American. I’m disgusted. Literally disgusted.”

The suit is seeking damages for lost wages, pain, mental anguish, as well as punitive damages in the amount of $65 million.

Farrah said she got the news from her roommate when she she came home “from work” the other morning. “And then I seen it on the TV, and I was like, beside myself. I was literally beside myself. I don’t know how anybody could be so selfish. This is so surreal. It’s like a bad dream. I thought him and me had a good working relationship, you know? Like he was somebody I thought I could count on. I don’t-I’m not even sure that I’ll see him again next time he calls me for our regular Friday night session. I just don’t know.”

Source: There Are Actually Six Versions Of Charlie Sheen; Only Martin Knows Which Is The Real One Anymore

Charlie Sheens

Some say 6 is a conservative estimate. Some claim there are 2 or 3 times that many Charlie Sheens, as evidenced in this graph.

Los Angeles—A source allegedly close to the Sheen/Estevez family has exclusively sent an e-mail to The Daily Quarterly that confirms what we have long suspected: There are actually six people posing as Charlie Sheen in Hollywood, a fact that completely explains his up-and-down behavior and erratic ramblings of the past several years.

The source also said there is only one person in Charlie’(s)’ life(ves) who can concretely tell the real Sheen from the fake ones: his father, Martin.

The e-mail read, in part, “like saddam hoosain’s (sic) doubles, youve (sic) got the creative, awesome charlie (sic) who would show up to do the show tapings (for “Two and a Half Men) but you also got the mean charlie (sic) that would more often then (sic) not get in front of the camara (sic) when shows like tmz was there and everthing (sic). then the other 4 where (sic) somewhere inbetween (sic), but could function as passable charlies (sic) and could do red carpet stuff and events when the real charlie (sic) could stay home.”
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Hank Williams, Jr. Under Attack For Comparing The Two Darrens On “Bewitched” To Charlie Sheen And Ashton Kutcher

The Darrens

Hank WIlliams, Jr. is all too familiar with the concept of celebrity replacement. He replaced an earlier version of Hank Williams in the early 50's and will soon be replaced himself.

Nashville, TN—As if Hank Williams, Jr. didn’t have enough to worry about as of late, now he’s drawing the wrath of both “Bewitched” fans and “Two and a Half Men” fans after making an insensitive comparison between the two actors who played Darren on “Bewitched” and Charlie Sheen and Ashton Kutcher.

Speaking on morning drive time on Nashville’s 103.3 WKDF last week, Williams went on a rambling diatribe culminating in him saying, “I mean, it’s really, to me, no different than those two bozos who played Darren on ‘Bewitched’ when you’re talking about Demi Moore’s husband taking over for Martin Sheen’s kid on that TV show.”
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Hotline, Website Set Up To Ease Fears, Help With Transition To Ashton Kutcher On “Two And A Half Men”

Phone Bank

Volunteers, rabid Two and a Half Men fans, work the phone bank to ease viewer concerns about the Sheen-to-Kutcher transition.

Los Angeles—Are you among the billions of people who want to learn more about Ashton Kutcher’s role on “Two and a Half Men?” There’s a hotline for that. And, thankfully, up to the season premiere next month, plenty of roadside billboards to get the word out about it.

Two 78 foot-tall billboards towering over the 405 Freeway in Southern California shout out the messages “888-Why-Ashton — Get the Facts” and “Charlie’s Gone — 1.79 Billion Celebrating. Find Out Why.”
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Winning! Turns Out Ashton Kutcher Is Merely The Victim Of The Most Elaborate “Punk’d” Prank Ever


This elaborate punking has been in the works so long the show that inspired it is no longer in production.

Hollywood—It turns out Ashton Kutcher isn’t really joining the cast of the CBS hit comedy “Two and a Half Men.” And it looks like Charlie Sheen isn’t really spiraling out of control and destroying his life and career. He was just at the forefront of the most elaborate, longest-executed Punk’d episode ever, with Kutcher as the victim (and to a lesser degree, the American public).

“Nearly half of Hollywood was in on it,” said a source closely involved in the prank and formerly on the production crew of Punk’d, Kutcher’s MTV show where celebrities and friends of Kutcher’s pull practical jokes on each other. Kutcher was the producer of the show its entire run on MTV from 2003 to 2007. Continue reading