Tim Tebow Signs Lucrative Nike Deal To Launch “Tebow Knows” Ad Campaign

Tebow knows football.

Tebow knows football.

Beaverton, OR—With the sporting apparel giant recently announcing that they are leaving the uber-competitive golf equipment market, Nike announced yesterday that they are hopping on the Tim Tebow juggernaut and plan to reboot the famous “Bo Knows” ad campaign, but with the newly signed baseball player Tebow rather than the former multi-sport playing Bo “Jack Horseman” Jackson.

Tebow knows baseball.

Tebow knows baseball.

Nike said they were bringing Jerry Kramer, their former head of golf equipment over to run the campaign. Kramer has never worked with any athletes aside from professional golfers, but Nike said they didn’t want to lose his visionary golden touch for creating (or re-creating) advertisement.

Tebow knows quidditch.

Tebow knows quidditch.

Kramer was introduced at a news conference yesterday and said how excited he was to work with Tebow, who just signed a contract with the New York Mets to play in their lowest level of professional baseball.

Tebow knows wiffleball.

Tebow knows wiffleball.

“Not many people know this, but Google it and you’ll see I’m right,” Kramer said. “But Tim Tebow actually used to play football. Not soccer. I mean American football. With the pads and the cheerleaders. I think he was even drafted by a pro football team, I believe. I had no idea. But once we learned that, and then he was signed by the Metropolitans, then we thought we could go with a reboot of the ‘Bo Knows’ campaign, but instead of using the name ‘Bo,’ we’re using the name ‘Tebow.’ See, it’s similar, right? ‘Bo-Tebow.’ Similar, but yet sill different and fresh. And refreshing.”

Tebow knows curling.

Tebow knows curling.

Kramer said he had already seen a few dozen story boards of Tebow playing typical sports like hockey, basketball and baseball, as well as some “less than mainstream” sports like curling, Quidditch and wiffle ball.

Kramer closed his remarks saying that he was holding a “huge, kick-ass” garage sale at his place next weekend, with “tons, like literally tons” of “barely-used” Nike golf equipment “including balls, clubs, awesome shirts and tees. Anybody know if Tim Tebow plays golf? I hear he just came into some cash, I can get him a sweet deal on some clubs.”

“My Cat From Hell” Host Jackson Galaxy Posts Catty Photo Fat-Shaming Cat At PetSmart

Jackson Galaxy

Jackson Galaxy’s cat shaming was unexpected.

Los Angeles—Jackson Galaxy was at an L.A. PetSmart last week when the body of a feline getting bathed in a grooming area behind a glass door offended him. The 50 year-old host of Animal Planet’s “My Cat from Hell” took to Snapchat to post the cat’s girth — naked, on his story.

The caption Galaxy wrote: “If I can’t see unsee this then you can’t either.” It pictures Galaxy covering his mouth in false-shock. What resulted was likely thousands looking at this cat’s hairy body, fat-shamed by the famed cat behaviorist on Galxy’s public Snapchat.

The backlash was strong — Galaxy has been now banned from PetSmarts nationwide and predictably lambasted on the Internet.

That’s because once the store banned Galaxy, they then notified the Los Angeles Police Department that he had photographed a cat in its store. That’s strictly prohibited, according to the store’s website.

“His behavior is appalling and puts every pet entering our stores at risk of losing their privacy,” said Jill Greenville, the company’s executive vice president of operations.

Los Angeles Police Capt. Alexander Neiman said they received a report of “illegal distribution” of the image from the international pet store chain. Detectives from the LAPD’s west division animal cruelty section are investigating.

“Our written rules are very clear: Cellphone usage and photography are prohibited in the store aisles and grooming areas,” Greenville said. “This is not only our rule, but common decency. Common human decency, which Mr. Galaxy, if that is his real name, failed to exhibit in this instance.”

Galaxy’s action was illegal under California law. A section of the state penal code revised in 2014 said it is a misdemeanor to look “with the intent to invade the privacy of anyone” in places like a pet store, where one has “a reasonable expectation of privacy,” with a camera. Under this law, it is illegal generally to distribute an image of the “intimate body part or parts” of someone “without the consent of or knowledge of that other someone.”

Under that law, Galaxy could be charged in the state of California with disorderly conduct, a misdemeanor that can include a fine of up to $1,000 or six months in jail.

Meeeeoooow, Mr. Galaxy!

Ryan Lochte Signs Deal To Write E-Book About Gas Station Ordeal At Rio Olympics

Ryan Lochte

Ryan Lochte’s book telling the story of that fateful night in Rio will only be electronic making it easier to change the story as needed.

New York—Random House Books confirmed hours of speculation yesterday by announcing that gold medal winning Olympic swimmer and “falsely accused innocent bystander” Ryan Lochte had signed a deal to write an e-book about his “terrifying six-minute ordeal” at a gas station in Rio De Janeiro last week.

Fort Lauderdale-based consumer class action attorney Jeffrey M. Ostrow said the investigation in Brazil is still ongoing as to exactly what led to his client being “extorted” at the gas station. But Lochte’s version of events, at least as of the writing of this article, said that he had a gun pointed at him, or near him, and he paid some money to somebody at the gas station, who may or may not have been an employee of the gas station. Or maybe a police or security official. But it was somebody who spoke Portuguese and wanted money for possible property damage that video footage shows he may or may not have caused.

Ostrow said his client stands behind the part of the story that Lochte actually was in Rio for the Olympics, and attended a party sometime on the weekend of August 13th. “That part of the story will never change.”

“We chose the medium of an e-book so that if Mr. Lochte’s version of events needs to be updated, or changed, or altered, it would be much easier to amend the facts as he sees them in e-book form, rather than in books already printed and bound” a statement from Random House said.

The terms of the contract were not disclosed, though a source close to Lochte said it “was like, for more than half a million dollars, Ryan told me. Then he told me an hour later that it was for like, more than five million dollars. So you know he is getting a lot of cake. Like, a lot.”

Likening the horror of the ordeal to “being like that movie ‘Midnight Express.’ Just like that,” Ryan’s pal said Lochte was concerned about his “front quadrant and stroke length, to use swim terms.

“Except nobody got killed and he wasn’t technically in a Turkish prison. But it was exactly like that except for that part. Literally just like that.”

Kidnappers Petitioning Microsoft To Add “Ransom Note” Font To Windows

MS Ransom Font

Let’s be honest. If people are still even reading magazines it is on their tablet or, maybe, in a waiting room. And who wants to make a ransom note in a waiting room?

Redmond, WA—Microsoft has remained tightlipped to date, but a huge recent push by a kidnappers advocacy group for the addition of so-called “ransom note” font to the next Windows addition has finally been picked up on by the national media.

CNN recently interviewed the group’s leader, “Bob,” who insisted on last wee’s Don Lemon show that this sort of font would “save tons of time, energy and money for the nations’ abductors, which would in turn, save ransom time.”

“I mean, think about it,” “Bob” told Don, “all the time it takes for us to painstakingly cut out and paste letters in the notes we send to the families of our abducted people could be cut in at least half if we could just use the proper font to write the letters. It’s literally a no-brainer. And Windows is not addressing the issue.”

“Bob” insisted that if Microsoft executives did not finally take their plight seriously, there would be consequences that the software company really didn’t want to have to experience. And they would face these consequences soon.

Indeed, known South American drug cartel members echoed “Bob’s” sentiments, as well as cartel representatives in Mexico, which has seen its industrial kidnapping syndicate more than triple in the past decade. And reports indicate those numbers will only continue to grow.

“The market is there,” “Bob” said. “It’s supply and demand, simple economics. I am certain that if Bill Gates still was at the helm of Windows, this would already have been done by now. In fact, I may have to personally ask him myself soon if the Microsoft people don’t pay attention. Would they really want that? For me to personally ask him? I doubt it.”

Word Templates

A nice ransom font is a good start but todays customers will also expect some helpful templates to get them started.

But the magazine industry has repeatedly voiced their opinion that such a font would hurt their sales. Magazine lobbyist Nathan “National Geographic” House said that the companies he represents have already seen steady sales decline due to the internet. “Take away the people that use our products to prepare ransom notes, and you may as well shut us down. It’s sad. And it’s a scary time.”

Calls for comment from Microsoft executives were not returned at press time.

New Hipper And Cooler IRS Moves Tax Deadline From April 15th To April 18th Because They Don’t Want to Ruin Everybody’s Friday

IRS Logo Enamel Pin

Not only is the IRS more conscious of your weekend they have slightly tweaked their logo. They are selling enameled pins of this new logo in their Etsy shop.

Washington, DC—You may have noticed this tax season that you have a couple extra days to file your taxes. Instead of panicking to get your paperwork done by April 15th this year, the Internal Revenue Service has pushed back the deadline to Monday, April 18th, in an effort “so as not to be a buzz kill or totally bum people out on Friday. It’s Friday, man.”

This isn’t your father’s IRS. It seems to be a much more laid back tax man nowadays. Could it be because so many of the employees now are Millennials? Could it be that the Feds have more important things to worry about? It appears to be a little of both.

“Bruh, it’s an election year, and the cat who’s in the White House ain’t running,” said second-year IRS accountant Kyle Whitman. “Nobody is paying any attention to us. It’s freaking awesome.This place is finally a cool place to be. Finally.”

“Usually, at this time of the year, we’re going nuts. Totally, freaking nuts,” echoed Travis Cendrowski, who has worked for the IRS since 2011. “But I haven’t been in the building before 9:30 in like five months. And this old dude I work with, he came in late the whole week last week ’cause he was home watching the Masters. It’s crazy. But it’s kind of awesome.”

Many employees said they’re confident that this new paradigm is here to stay, and they are more than open to the change. They said they believe it is about time for a new reputation in a new century.

Other sources have confirmed the agency is looking creating an official, more-friendly sounding motto that will reflect their new, chill attitude. “Some people were saying it would be but something really dumb or unoriginal like, ‘Keep calm and deduct on,’ or ‘Hakuna Matata,'” said Whitman. “I was gonna vote for my personal favorite, which is ‘The IRS: We won’t harsh your mellow.'”