Illuminati: “Even We Had No Idea These Two Candidates Would Be So Incredibly, Destructively Polarizing”

Recent Illuminati MeetingA person close to the Illuminati admitted yesterday that even they had no idea how well both Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump would destroy the United States from within when both candidates were agreed upon by the secretive group to be chosen to represent the two major American political parties in the upcoming election. As much as the Illuminati have a tight grip and “near total control” and influence over every major world leader, the source said, they still could not foresee just how bad things will soon get for the US with one of these folks in charge of the nation.

“Oh, no, they’re screwed,” he said, referring to the populace of the United States. “Totally, utterly f—–. No question.”

Speaking on the condition of anonymity, because the clandestine organization has not publicly made any comment about the “dire, dire state the citizens of America find themselves in,” and also because if the Illuminati knew he were commenting about the existence of the society, they “would go medieval not only on me but on my whole family, like worse than Keyser Soze,” the source said the Illuminati hasn’t had to manipulate anything said or done on either side of the election since late in 2015.

“They’re doing it themselves, completely by themselves,” the source said. “It’s incredible how they both just keep doing things to feed the rift and the huge divide amongst the American public. It’s truly a thing of beauty to watch, if you are a fan of seeing the fabric of the American society and way of life implode on itself like a dying star.”

Between missing or lost or destroyed e-mails, or old tapes of misogynisitic rhetoric, or just the amount of lies spewed by both sides, “it’s like something out of our wildest dreams. They’ve done in just over 18 months what it has taken our small group more than 200 years to do: undermine any semblance of common ground, unity and hope for a functioning democracy. We truly can’t wait to see how this plays out. If a full-out civil war hasn’t broken out before Christmas, we’ll be shocked. New Year’s at the latest. Book it.”

TDQ Investigates: Getting Your Election Recommendations From T.I.

T.I.

T.I. is said to be shopping around a weekly show about politics. He feels this next presidential election is too important for him not to get his advice heard.

Far be it from us to give rapper T.I. a hard time for admitting he would have a hard time voting for Hillary Clinton or any other woman for that matter, to be the Leader of the Free World. Man spoke from his heart. He’s just a little bit wary of the very real possibility of some lady setting off a nuke since they make those “rash decisions emotionally.”

Amen, brother. We’re married. We get it. If we had a dollar for every rash decision our wives made emotionally, we’d be rich. Almost as rich as T.I.

But it got us wondering if he had folks listening intently to whomever he would endorse for president. Is he going to drop a sick beat (sorry, Taylor Swift) just before the election next year to tell his fans how he thinks they should “rock the vote?” (Is that still a thing? Aside from “Teen Mom OG,” we don’t watch MTV in our house. Do musicians and VJs still do commercials telling viewers to Rock the Vote?)

How thoroughly is he watching the debates? Was he one of the record number of viewers who tuned in to the Democratic debate on CNN recently? Is he sick about hearing about Hillary’s e-mails too? What rhymes with “Hillary’s e-mails too?”

We personally think it would be great if he would do an op-ed piece for the New York Times or maybe Politico about who he thinks should live in the White House come January 2017. That would be great. Or maybe he could do some prognosticating on FiveThirtyEight.com now that Nate Silver is too busy lowering himself to covering sports. (New England Patriots versus Roger Goodell? How crass.)

We’re not sure what school T.I. got his political science degree from. Maybe he got it online. Or maybe at Moore Educational Tech. We don’t judge.

We’re just glad he took the time out to inform us of his well-thought-out, well-researched, informed views. He can pen something for us anytime.

You are now informed. Go and do likewise.