Tag Archives: Twitter

Dan Marino: “It’ll Be A Cold Day In Hell Before Peyton Manning Is A Dolphin”

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Don't make Dan Marino angry about his legacy. You wouldn't like him angry about his legacy.

Miami—With the announcement yesterday that idiot Indianapolis Colts owner Jim “follow me on Twitter” Irsay was releasing the best thing that ever happened to Indianapolis, Peyton Manning, speculation started as to where the future Hall of Famer will play out the remainder of his career, with the Dolphins as the odds-on favorite.

But not everyone was thrilled that Manning might bring his talents to South Beach. Former Dolphin great and actual current Hall of Famer Dan “Laces Out” Marino told reporters he would do everything in his power to prevent Manning from joining the Dolphins.

“Look, don’t push me on this,” Marino said. “Do you know who I am? I’m a legend, a legend, in Miami. I am without question the greatest quarterback ever to take a snap in a Dolphin uniform, and that will change over my dead body. Did you write that down?” Continue reading →

Kim Kardashian Tweets, Texts And Posts On Facebook That She Plans To Be More Private In 2012

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Kim Kardashian

Is Kim Kardashian turning her back on the limelight? We sure hope so!

Los Angeles—Kim Kardashian called a press conference yesterday to formally announce her New Year’s Resolution for 2012: To lead a more private life. She also posted this resolution on her Twitter account, Facebook page and nearly-defunct Myspace account.

She said this newfound privacy will be showcased on her E! television program, and she hopes to prove to the American public just how private she’s being in weekly press conferences throuought the upcoming year.

“I really, really learned a hard lesson last year during my marriage to Reg- I mean, my husband,” Kardashian said. “And it is my sincere hope that you all will join me in my journey as I strive to be a more private person.”
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TDQ Investigates: George Lucas Adding “NO!” To “Return Of The Jedi” Scene Where Vader Tosses The Emperor

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Star Wars Fans Unite

An alliance of fans rebel against the recent changes made by Lucas to upcoming Star Wars Blu Ray disc releases poised to bolster the Lucasfilm movie empire.

Here we go again. People who have nothing better to do are once again upset with visionary billionaire filmmaker George Lucas for improving upon films that he made nearly 30 years ago. He’s using technology today that wasn’t available to him when he made the “Star Wars” “trilogy” to make them far more enjoyable and watchable.

This time, uber-nerds are all up in arms over him making that dude who dresses in black vinyl yell “NO!” as he tosses the old dude in his bathrobe over some railing and down some sort of shaft or something in the movie with the giant slug and the walking teddy bears. And said nerds are taking to the medium they know best to show their outrage: social media.
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Senator Bernie Sanders Trying To Find Congressional Page That He Ignored And Left Crying

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The Missing Page

The Congressional Page program places high school boys and girls within groping distance of slimy politicians.

Washington, DC—After a heated debate on the Senate floor that left a bill dead in the water that Independent Vermont Senator Bernie Sanders was trying to get passed, Sanders left the capitol fuming, ignoring a Congressional page that had documents needing Sanders’ signature. Cameras caught the unidentified page after the senator stormed off, and the young man was in tears.

After the internet and the blogosphere got hold of the incident and blasted Sanders, he quickly responded via his Twitter account saying how sorry he was and how unprofessional his behavior had been.
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CEO Skips Charity Event Due To Wife’s Illness; Problem Is, Wife Was Out Of The Country

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Soup's On Charity Fundraiser

The $1500 a plate fundraiser for the homeless was technically a $1500 a bowl fundraiser sponsored by the "Soup's On" gourmet soup restaurant. Sources indicate Jack Backus refused to attend because "Soup isn't a meal."

Seattle—Magoo Vision CEO Jack Backus is not making any friends in the homeless charity crowd. Backus was slated to attend and be the keynote speaker at a charity fundraiser Friday night, but his secretary canceled his appearance 45 minutes before he was scheduled to arrive, saying Mrs. Backus had taken ill, and Mr. Backus was staying home tending to her.

However, upon closer look, it appears that Mrs. Backus was not in Seattle feeling ill during the fundraiser, but was actually in Vienna getting LASIK surgery. She’d been there for nearly a week, according to Backus’ secretary, who now insists that she called the charity and accidentally provided “misinformation, due to miscommunication.” Mrs. Backus could not be reached for comment.
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