Category Archives: Business

Idiotic Move Injuring Himself With His Own Bat In Anger Somehow Nets Nats’ Bryce Harper Bandage Sponsorship

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Bryce Harper

Bryce Harper for Band Aid brand adhesive bandages.

Washington, DC—You would have thought over the weekend when Washington Nationals outfielder and generally-acknowledged world-class jerk Bryce Harper banged his bat against the clubhouse wall in anger after making an out and having the bat bounce off the wall and open a gash over his left eye, that when the swelling went down, it would be an eye-opening experience to maybe tone his temper down, or take some anger management classes. But instead of costing him playing time or a hefty fine from his manager, Dave Johnson, the incident brought Harper a new endorsement deal with Johnson & Johnson brand bandages.

In a world gone mad, this immature, juvenile behavior (Harper is just 19, after all) has gotten him a nice six-figure deal with one of America’s best-known and oldest companies. Continue reading →

Orange Juice Company CEO Says It’s Not His Fault Consumers Thought “Squeezed By Hand” Implied Orange Juice Was Hand-Squeezed

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Handy-Squeeze Orange Juice

Handy-Squeeze Orange Juice lawyers say that not only is the orange juice squeezed by the Handy Squeeze 3000 machine, good for a technicality, but the machine is started and stopped by a human daily.

Tampa, FL—The CEO of the second-largest orange juice producer in the state is attacking reports by the Tampa Tribune questioning why the company doesn’t actually use people to hand-squeeze their juice when their entire marketing campaign says it does exactly that.

Charles Apple, who was named CEO of Handy-Squeeze Orange Juice in 2009, initially refused to be interviewed by Tampa Tribune business reporter Jason Waldrup for an article he wrote last Sunday. But when the piece the newspaper ran questioned why the orange juice was manufactured using machines and robots in a large factory in south Florida, Apple took to the company’s website to defend its manufacturing process.
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Pets.com Founder Looking To Buy Bankrupt Automaker Saab

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Pets Dot Saab

Greg McLemore may not get the Saab name once the acquisition is made but he is the owner of the original pets.com puppet.

Los Angeles—With Swedish carmaker Saab filing for bankruptcy, many suitors are coming out of the woodworks vying to buy the struggling company, and Greg McLemore, who founded pets.com, some website that lasted like a year like a decade ago, is at the top of the list.

“I don’t really remember what exactly pets.com was, but I remember they had a clever little dog puppet or something,” said business analyst Trevor Watson of Moore-Dearing Investments. “I have no doubt that that little dog could breathe new life into Saab. I’m excited for the new direction Saab will go in with McLemore at the helm.”
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Community Access Channel Carriage Dispute Going Public, Turning Ugly

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FCA TV

Flemingsburg County Access TV is prepared show the above static image in place of “Virgil Davis Now” if Davis does not agree to their terms. Unfortunately for Davis the static image currently has better ratings.

Flemingsburg, KY—Just twelve months after beginning a new distribution relationship, a carriage dispute has surfaced between Virgil Davis, host of “Virgil Davis Now” and Flemingsburg County Access TV. Davis issued a statement late Tuesday that said unless he agrees to Flemingsburg County Access TV’s new contract terms, the “Virgil Davis Now” program broadcast on Flemingsburg County Access TV will go away indefinitely beginning Jan. 15th.

Virgil Davis’ last content deal with Flemingsburg County Access TV expired at the end of October.
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Some San Francisco Restaurant Workers Fighting For Higher Standard Tips

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Todd Radcliffe rallies for a higher standard tip.

Todd Radcliffe says this change in the standard tipping rate needs to happen as soon as possible so he, and others, aren't the latest victims of the down economy. Also, he is supposed to pay his parents back for the out-of-contract iPhone 4S he had to have even though he wasn't eligible for an upgrade.

San Francisco—While many restaurant employees here have recently sought to raise the standard tip by customers from 15 to 25 per cent, one man said he feels that an increase like that is still woefully inadequate compensation for their hard work.

“Twenty-five per cent tip? That’s a joke,” said server Todd Radcliffe, who has been waiting tables for four years now since graduating from UC Berkley with a history of fine arts degree. “For all I do for those idiots who eat at my TGI Friday’s? When I drop their food, I’m always sure to pick it up and put it back on their plates within 15 seconds, 20 seconds tops. When they ask for refills on their watered down drinks, I always get it for them as soon as I’m done with my cigarette. Getting any tip less than 45% is an insult.”
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