SeaWorld Caves To Crazy Animal Rights Activists And Agrees To Get Rid Of Killer Whale Shows; Will Replace Them With False Killer Whale Shows

New SeaWorld Promo

SeaWorld wants the activists to know they have won. The message is clear. No more killer whale shows.

San Diego—SeaWorld, in a move to rebuild its brand and combat declining attendance, announced yesterday that it will phase out its traditional Shamu show in San Diego and replace it with a show that is less about tricks and more about traditional entertainment, just with big, funny-looking fish.

Next year will be the last for the theatrical performances involving hoops and throwing fish and coming in 2017 will be what SeaWorld Entertainment describes as an entirely new orca experience, designed to take place in a more natural setting with brick background walls, microphones and two drink minimums. The announcement, made during a presentation by senior SeaWorld executives, is part of a multi-faceted effort by the Orlando-based company to refocus the public’s attention on its “conservation efforts” while also growing revenues and stabilizing the business of exploiting giant ocean-going creatures. And also to get PETA and the other animal rights nuts off their backs.

New SeaWorld Whale Show

The new show, which does not include killer whales, will be different from the circus fare of yesteryear. Instead false killer whales will be performing alternate stand up comedy routines with very frank and honest perspectives. But these whales also kill on stage! (But not like the killer whales.)

CEO “Billy” Joel Manby, who joined the company in March, was short on specifics as to what the new orca shows will entail. He did stress, however, with a straight face even, that the decision to appease the critics of the theme park was not conceived as a way to appease its critics.

In a bid to boost its sinking attendance, which plunged 17 percent last year, the company said it will bring a new, “very marketable” attraction that it is certain will make at least most of the jackass tourists who plunk down good money to watch what is essentially just a big aquarium happy for a few hours, and let them forget about their tiny little lives.

“The real whales, they get to retire and the ‘other, special’ whales, they get the attention they’ve so desperately been seeking for a long, long time,” Manby said. “It’s literally a win-win. Literally.”

Safety Analyst Tells You The Best Way To Avoid Having Your Identity Stolen

Cyber Security

Only you can prevent cybercrime. Or, maybe that’s forest fires.

New York—George Collins, a safety analyst with COX Safenet in New York City, a firm that helps consumers prevent having their identity stolen, has written a new book with tips he’s gleaned from his long career to help protect consumers from identity theft. Here are the things he says you can do to protect yourself in his book, which is available on

Tip 1: Never buy anything off Amazon. “I don’t trust their security on their site. I don’t trust anybody’s security on any site. Only pay cash for items face to face. It’s much safer.”

Tip 2: When you get a new credit card to replace your old one, spend at least 45 minutes cutting the old card up, and throw the pieces in no fewer than a dozen different garbage cans. “Back in the 1990s, I would take cruises each time I got a replacement credit card so I could toss sections of my cut up cards over the side of the ship out in the ocean. Like in that that old ‘Columbo’ episode where Robert Vaughn tosses those latex gloves overboard after shooting the singer of the cruise ship band. SPOILER ALERT: Columbo nabbed him anyway.” Collins said in his book that even if you can’t take a cruise each time you get a new card, you should at the very least spend close to an hour cutting up your old card into as many small pieces as you can, take a road trip to no less than six cities in three different states, and throw the pieces of the card away into at least 12 different trash cans. Even the most ambitious identity thief would be hard pressed to piece that card back together.

Tip 3: Give your significant other a fake PIN number. “You can’t trust anybody. You’ll know they’re trying to steal your identity when they tell you the PIN isn’t correct. George Costanza had the right idea. I’ve never told any of my six wives my actual PIN, and it’s served me well.”

Tip 4: Make your internet passwords as convoluted and hard to crack as possible. And don’t write them down ever. “I use symbols, numbers, even symbols from foreign languages, and I am constantly forgetting them, my passwords are so well-constructed. It takes a little more time whenever I have to go personally visit customer service to reset my password at my bank, but it’s well worth it.”

Collins said he can personally help you ensure your identity will be totally safe. He can be reached via e-mail, and all you have to do to get his personal service is send him your date of birth, social security number, mother’s maiden name and the name or your childhood best friend. Just allow 4-6 weeks for his services to kick in after that. Continue reading

Owner Of Ridiculously Misspelled Website Name Baffled That He Gets No Web Traffic

Recent graduate and entrepreneur Jason Cameron credits a former classmate for his web site’s design but admits he had difficulty finding a domain name that wasn’t already taken.

Chicago—Recent business school graduate and entrepreneur Jason Cameron has found that his new travel website isn’t getting the web traffic he had hoped, despite trying numerous different methods of advertising and backlinks and social media.

“I have pretty much tried everything,” Cameron said from his large but rarely-visited office on Chicago’s North Side. “Aside from everything I learned at Northwestern about running a business, (not to brag), I have also read all about SEO and e-commerce. But nobody is coming to the site. And my number of Twitter followers is pathetic.”

Cameron said the number of unique visitors to his site, has remained rather stagnant since he launched his business in July of last year. “I booked a lot of graduation trips for my college buddies the first couple months,” Cameron said. “But unless some of those losers get married soon for me to book their honeymoons, they aren’t going to keep me afloat just by themselves. And believe me, none of them are getting married anytime soon. Though my one friend, Keith, he told me last week he’s thinking about proposing Memorial Day weekend, as long has his girlfriend’s dad gets him that job at his accounting firm. Even though he can’t stand her dad. Or unless, his ex-girlfriend keeps the baby.”
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Book-Binding Company Turns Pulp Fiction Trash Covers Into Classy-Looking Reads

Trash to Treasure: Leather Book Covers

Turn your most embarrassing reads into classy leather bound volumes.

Wheeling, WV—If you’ve got a few titles in your reading library you’re not all that proud of, or don’t want certain friends to see when they visit, you might have a new option when it comes to what’s seen on your bookshelf.

Leather-bound Classics, a book-binding company founded in 2009, will take any existing book in your personal library and cover it to make it look like a literary classic, and they’ll even use a classic title, if you’d rather not even display the book’s real name.
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Dial-A-Down Manufacturer Trying To Find New Sport To Market Product To Besides Just Football


Dial-A-Down, Ball, Strike, Out, Basket, Goal, whatever: Dial-A-Down is looking to expand its market beyond football.

Cleveland, OH—Pioneer Athletics, the makers of all those dial-a-down stick marker things you see being held on the sidelines of the football matches you’re forced to watch on Thanksgiving when your loud-mouthed jock cousin refuses to let you finish watching the parade, just like he does every year, even though you’ve tried to make it abundantly clear since you were in junior high school that you could care less about football or whom the Cowboys of Dallas are playing this year and whether they have a chance at making the “post season,” whatever the hell that is, is looking for a new sport to market their famous device, since it seems not too many other sporting contests require a large pole with orange numerals atop it that change from 1 to 2 to 3 to 4.

A spokesman for the company said they are looking to other sports to see which of them could use some scoring revamping. “We think the most obvious sport for us to get a foothold in is probably this baseball thing,” Trip Wiernik, director of marketing for Pioneer Athletics said. “I mean, assuming it’s got staying power and isn’t a fad. They’ve got those strikes, and those outs, they only go up to three. But they also have pitches, they have pitches that are called what they refer to as ‘balls,’ also. And they go up to four. So, conceivably, baseball would have reason to use up to three different dial-a-downs. It’s really a no-brainer. But nobody at MLB headquarters will return our calls.”
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