Recent College Graduate “100% Certain” She Would Be A Better Parent Than Her Older Sister, Who Is On Her Fourth Child

Contrasting Parenting Styles

Contrasting Parenting Styles

Yakima, WA—Recent college graduate and coffee house barista Nicole Baggett, 23, said she is constantly trying to give her older sister, Shannon, 31, advice on raising her four children, but, “Shannon just continuously dismisses every single bit of my advice, like just because I’ve never had a child, I don’t know what I’m talking about. It’s ridiculous.”

Nicole said she has read “dozens, maybe a hundred” articles on parenting in both her junior year psychology class and her own free time, and has gotten plenty of wonderful ideas on child-rearing from Gwyneth Paltrow’s blog. She said she doesn’t understand why her sister and brother-in-law, who both work as social workers, don’t follow her advice when disciplining or spending quality time with her two nieces and two nephews, ages nine down to eight months old.

“It pains me, it really does, to see her lose her temper with her kids and act like she’s so tired all the time,” Baggett said. “I know I could do the job better than her. I’d be so much more patient, and understanding if they were my four children. But she just won’t listen to me.”

Nicole said she constantly e-mails articles and fun ways to spend entire Saturday afternoons with children “and terrific arts and crafts ideas, and stuff about starting a garden and reading entire book series with children on a lazy Sunday afternoon, but it’s like she thinks I’m an idiot or something. My other girlfriends, we talk about it all the time when we go to the movies two or three times a week. They don’t understand it either. Like last Wednesday at brunch with my old sorority sisters, none of us could understand why she doesn’t appreciate what I’m trying to do for her. Or when we went to that impromptu concert last Monday night, we discussed it there before we headed to that after party.”

“I don’t have time for this,” Shannon Baggett said when asked to do an interview for this article. “If you want to meet me at one of the six kid’s birthday parties I have squeeze in this Saturday, I can talk to you then. Otherwise, you’re out of luck.”

“Typical,” Nicole said. “Just typical.” Continue reading

Bad Information Leads To Loss of Countless Hipster Beards

Business Is Good

Hipster barber shops saw a sharp rise in business following the release of bad information.

Williamsbug, Brooklyn – An already misunderstood socio-economic group affectionately known as “hipsters” was dealt a crippling blow recently that has put the entire organization in disarray. The details, not reported in mainstream outlets, have been cobbled together from first- and second-hand accounts. To the best of our knowledge the story is as follows: By clerical error or malice the global network that informs hipsters on current and future trends, known as “hipsternet”, gave the order that facial hair was no longer hip. The most dedicated members of the organization rushed to comply for the honor of being “first” but were devastated to learn that the information was untrue. For some, years of hard work has been lost.

For those out of the loop, the term “hipster” refers, simply, to those that dedicate themselves to the practice of being hip. However, mainstream hipness is not good enough. Hipsters must be on the cutting edge of hipness. There is nothing more hip than something that, to the mainstream, is considered to be unhip. This is where the “ironic” feedback loop begins. The least hip things are co-opted by the hippest of people. Eventually the mainstream accepts the un-hip as hip. The hipsters are forced to find new territory and the cycle continues. Case-in-point, there isn’t anything cool about a Civil War-era beard on a young man. Or is there? It isn’t something you can rush into after the fact.
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The Week ‘Fore Thanksgiving

Editor’s Note: This column references the Oaks Mall in Gainesville, FL, and originally ran in the Independent Florida Alligator on Nov. 17, 1999. But it seems just as relevent today as ever.

Got a phone call last night from my old buddy, Kris Kringle.

“Cinco,” he said, (all my old buddies call me Cinco), “what’s the deal with all the Christmas stuff up in the Oaks Mall? We haven’t even had Thanksgiving yet and these Fascists are already milking the whole Christmas gig to sell more Pokemon stuff. And what in the world is a Pokemon?”

(Is it just me, or does Kris sound an awful lot like Jerry Seinfeld?) Continue reading

DiMaio Makes His Curtain Call

Editor’s Note: This column actually turned out to be the penultimate column when it ran in the Independent Florida Alligator on Dec. 8, 1999.

Well, kids, it’s been fun.

But I must leave you now. College is kicking me out like a deadbeat roommate. (No reference to anyone in particular)

I’ve enjoyed my stay here. I’ve learned a lot at UF, the good people at the J-school taught me a trade and gave me the tools to go out there and get overlooked for a promotion as well as the next guy.

I’ve learned how to tick off feminists.

I’ve met mall managers and learned they have too much free time on their hands and ought to be more concerned with running a good mall than having a local paper read to them. Continue reading

We Must Find A Job For Sergei

Editor’s note: This column originally ran in the Independent Florida Alligator on Dec. 1, 1999.

The four or five of you who actually read this column once a week (Hi, Mom!) may remember that a few weeks ago I wrote a column about my roommate Sergei and his career as a slacker.

Well, the bubble that was Sergei’s career has burst.

In an effort to find a job that paid more money for the same amount of work, my hero Sergei quit his old sales rep job for another sales rep job. The only problem was that this new job, though paying more, would require good ol’ Sergei to put in about 55 hours a week, maybe 60. Continue reading