Editor’s Note: This column references the Oaks Mall in Gainesville, FL, and originally ran in the Independent Florida Alligator on Nov. 17, 1999. But it seems just as relevent today as ever.

Got a phone call last night from my old buddy, Kris Kringle.

“Cinco,” he said, (all my old buddies call me Cinco), “what’s the deal with all the Christmas stuff up in the Oaks Mall? We haven’t even had Thanksgiving yet and these Fascists are already milking the whole Christmas gig to sell more Pokemon stuff. And what in the world is a Pokemon?”

(Is it just me, or does Kris sound an awful lot like Jerry Seinfeld?) Continue reading →

Editor’s Note: This column actually turned out to be the penultimate column when it ran in the Independent Florida Alligator on Dec. 8, 1999.

Well, kids, it’s been fun.

But I must leave you now. College is kicking me out like a deadbeat roommate. (No reference to anyone in particular)

I’ve enjoyed my stay here. I’ve learned a lot at UF, the good people at the J-school taught me a trade and gave me the tools to go out there and get overlooked for a promotion as well as the next guy.

I’ve learned how to tick off feminists.

I’ve met mall managers and learned they have too much free time on their hands and ought to be more concerned with running a good mall than having a local paper read to them. Continue reading →

Editor’s note: This column originally ran in the Independent Florida Alligator on Dec. 1, 1999.

The four or five of you who actually read this column once a week (Hi, Mom!) may remember that a few weeks ago I wrote a column about my roommate Sergei and his career as a slacker.

Well, the bubble that was Sergei’s career has burst.

In an effort to find a job that paid more money for the same amount of work, my hero Sergei quit his old sales rep job for another sales rep job. The only problem was that this new job, though paying more, would require good ol’ Sergei to put in about 55 hours a week, maybe 60. Continue reading →

Editor’s Note: This column originally ran in the Independent Florida Alligator on Nov. 22, 1999.

This being the 36th anniversary of the John F. Kennedy assassination, I thought it would be appropriate to reveal the truth about the biggest mystery of the 20th century (followed closely by the success and popularity of Howard Stern).

Before I end 35 years of speculation, let me say that I am no legal expert. So in an effort to prevent any libelous information from seeping onto the Alligator pages, I have enlisted the aid of my friends, Sergei and Fuzzy, to protect the Alligator editors and myself. Continue reading →

Editor’s Note: This column originally ran in the Independent Florida Alligator on Nov. 12, 1999. This is the first column to run under the title “Callous Assertions,” which was lifted from the letter to the editor after the “Interview” column.

I don’t get out much, but between my mom and what I see at the mall, Christmas is apparently right around the corner.

I thought for sure that Thanksgiving was still before Christmas, but I guess the fascists at the Oaks Mall (Gainesville, FL) think otherwise.

And so does my mom. My mom does her shopping early, real early-like August-of the year before.

I once asked her for a Transformer around my birthday in 1985. She got it for me, but I had to wait until Christmas 1988. Continue reading →