Sad, Pathetic Sports Minority Desperately Wanting Nation To Care About Whatever Is Going On In FIFA

FIFA Un-American Football

FIFA Un-American Football

Denver—Despite decades of overwhelming evidence to the contrary, self-desribed “uber soccer fan” Austin Adams is adamant that the United States of America should and does care about whatever the hell is going on in FIFA.

Apparently, the U.S. Justice Department issued some arrest warrants or bench warrants or treaties or something last week that led to a number (three? nine? 20? Who knows?) of arrests for, something. Maybe embezzlement, maybe bribery, maybe whatever Leonardo DiCaprio was arrested for in “Wolf of Wall Street.”

And it seems that in Adams’ pot-hazed mind, he expects most Americans, whether they like real sports or not, to give a rat’s rear end about the people arrested and the charges the U.S. Attorney General is trying to levy against them. Maybe extradition is involved, too? Who really knows. Continue reading

Michelle Pfeiffer Denies Paying Musicians To Be Mentioned In Current Hit Songs

Los Angeles—A spokesman for actress Michelle Pfeiffer said at a press conference yesterday that the actress is “shocked, saddened and appalled” that the media would assume that she has paid musical artists to include her name in recent radio hits “just to ensure her name is out there and her Q rating continues to be at a level commensurate with her fame.”

Recent hits “Riptide” by Vance Joy, and “Uptown Funk” by Mark Ronson and Bruno Mars have been getting significant airplay, and both ditties mention the Oscar-nominated actress, making some cynics in the music and media industries to wonder if she was trying to get a large name-recognition payday, similar to the one Mick Jagger got when he, allegedly, paid for a campaign that began in mid 2009 with a nod in Ke$ha’s debut single Tik Tok and finished strong when Maroon 5 scored a huge hit with “Moves Like Jagger” in 2011. The result was a surge in Rolling Stones music sales to an entire generation of tweens and teens that were previously uninterested.

1979 - Failed Auto Mechanic Career

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One of Michelle Pfeiffer's early jobs was as an auto mechanic. Her undoing was a complete lack of respect for bolt torque specifications. She claimed to have a sixth sense for how tight a bolt should be. We can only imagine where she'd be if she had respected best practices. Possibly a NASCAR engine builder.

“Ms. Pfeiffer’s career is doing just fine, thank you very much,” her rep said. “How many people who are accusing her of giving money or Super Bowl tickets or free DVDs of ‘The Fabulous Baker Boys’ to musicians just to get mentioned in songs, how many of them go home every night to a Golden Globe award for best actress or a BAFTA award? That’s what I’d like to know. Maybe these folks should look themselves in the mirror before they go around saying Ms. Pfeiffer has any reason to send Vance Joy a shoebox full of autographed head shots. It’s ludicrous.” Continue reading

Manti Te’o Backs Up Kurt Busch’s Claim That His Ex-girlfriend Was A Trained Assassin

Kurt Busch with Patricia Driscoll

Te’o was unable to produce a photo of himself with his girlfriend Kurt Busch and Patricia Driscoll but we were able to find this photo of the two returning from a date.

San Diego—Count San Diego Charger player Manti Te’o as somebody who is on the side of NASCAR driver Kurt Busch shortly after Busch testified in court last Tuesday that his former girlfriend, Patricia Driscoll, was a trained killer for the US government.

Te’o told reporters yesterday that he has gone on “numerous double dates with Kurt and his girl in the past, and she has mentioned on several occasions that she was a hired killer taking out bad guys for the CIA.”

Te’o said that he and his former girlfriend Lennay Kekua met Busch and Driscoll through mutual friends of Kekua, and he found her tales of international intrigue and espionage “quite exciting,” and he had “no reason whatsoever not to believe” Driscoll as she regaled Busch, Te’o and Driscoll over dinners, movies and walks on the beach.

Te’o said he was sad to see that Busch and Driscoll had parted ways, and thought that they had made a cute couple during the times he and Kekua would go on vacations and couples cruises with them.

“I remember staying up late talking with Lennay and we both said how perfect Kurt and Patty were for each other,” Te’o said. “I can only shake my head.”

But in the end, Te’o said he found a way to be philosophical about the fragile nature of love. It’s a subject he knows a little about, after all.

“It’s sad,” Te’o said. “You hate to see any relationship end, especially when a couples’ careers get in the way. But I guess when you have one partner who risks their life driving around a circle at 260 miles an hour, and another partner who flies off all over the world at a moment’s notice snuffing out political targets, it just puts too much of a strain on the couple.” Continue reading

Actor And Comedian Taylor Negron Dies At 57

Taylor Negron

Taylor Negron, center, met RECOiL writer/director Brian DiMaio, left, on the set of “Fast Times at Ridgemont High.” DiMaio was so impressed with his take on the role of “Pizza Man” DiMaio had Negro reprise his role in a deleted scene of RECOiL.

Actor, writer and comedian Taylor Negron died Saturday surrounded by his family after a long battle with cancer. He was 57.

Negron made scene-stealing appearances in movies like “Better off Dead,” “Fast Times at Ridgemont High,” “RECOiL” and “The Last Boy Scout.”

On television, Negron appeared in such programs as “Wizards of Waverly Place,” “Seinfeld,” “Fresh Prince of Bel-Air” and “Curb Your Enthusiasm.”

He had comedy essays published in the anthologies “Dirty Laundry” and “Love West Hollywood, Reflections of Los Angeles.” He also wrote the critically-acclaimed plays “Gangster Planet” and “The Unbearable Lightness of Being Taylor Negron – A Fusion of Story and Song.”

Former Basketball Competitor Robert “Showboat” Hall Dies At

Robert Hall

Robert Hall, right, in a publicity photo with short term team mate and The Daily Quarterly editor Brian DiMaio, left. DiMaio parted ways with the team when it was determined that he was unable to keep the minimum of three basketballs in continuous motion for the minimum amount of time.

Detroit—Robert “Showboat” Hall, who played for a mind-blowing 25 seasons with the Harlem Globetrotters professional basketball squad, died on Christmas Eve. His age has not been released publicly, so we’ll just act like CNN and guess that he was 90 or so.

Hall joined the Globetrotters in 1949, and became player-coach in 1968. According to the team (and we double-checked this, since it seems unbelievable), he played more than 5000 games in nearly 90 countries around the world. He retired from the team in 1974.

Alas, even though one of the Scooby-Doo episodes that the Globetrotters appeared in was titled, “The Haunted Showboat,” it doesn’t appear that Showboat Hall himself was in that episode. And he had already retired when the Globetrotters made their way to Gilligan’s Island in 1981.

Services are pending. Scooby-Doo has not yet commented on Hall’s death. Continue reading