The Thorough, In-Depth “Star Wars Episode VIII ‘The Last Jedi'” Movie Review We Promised You, And The Internet Needs And TDQ Readers Deserve

Star Wars: The Last Jedi

Spoiler Alert: People are better off with Luke in their life.

On occasion, with the help of certain Canadian super agents we know who live in Los Angeles, we get invites to various movie premieres and awesome parties. But we didn’t want to big-time you, our readers, when experiencing the latest “Star Wars” flick. We wanted to experience it the same way as you coal miners, dishwashers and blue-collar workers that make up our core audience: in the trenches with tickets we bought ourselves, with holes in the seats and dried Coke on the floor. 

And so we went opening night to experience the latest installation of the saga and sat in the last row of the theater at a 10:30 showing on a regular, non-Imax, non-3D screen.

And it was pretty good. It was by far the funniest “Star Wars” film. No doubt. Keep reading for the plot, and at the end of the piece, I’ll give you all the spoilers you can handle. 

We must admit we never saw the beginning of this film coming at the end of the last one. When Rey finds Luke at the top of his island mountain home that the Swiss Family Robinson would envy, he is so depressed at how Ben Solo/Kylo Ren turned out and all the mistakes he made over the course of his life, that he is this close to ending it all. He is certain that everyone in his life would have been better off if he’d never been born.

But in comes his guardian angel, Rey. She spends the next 152 minutes showing Luke exactly how worse off everyone would have been had he not been born: his wife Mary would have been a spinster all her life; his old boss, Mr. Gower, would have done time when he botched a prescription for a kid’s medicine had Luke not caught it; and all those people on the Navy transport that his little brother saved by shooting down that kamikaze pilot would have died had Luke not jumped in the frozen lake to save him when they were kids. 

I somehow glossed over a lot of the important stuff in Luke’s early life, I guess I need to go back and watch the other films this weekend. 

But overall, Rey does a great job showing Luke why he shouldn’t jump off that bridge, earning her own wings in the process. It was a truly feel-good movie all around. 

Now for the promised spoilers:

The identity of Supreme Leader Snoke is revealed. He is Keyser Soze.

“Rosebud” is shown to be the name Luke gave to his lightsaber. 

We find out who Rey’s parents are thanks to an unexpected cameo by Maury Povich. They are Rhaegar Targaryen and Lyanna Stark.

“Star Wars Episode I” is shown to be, in reality, just a long dream experienced by Pamela Ewing. The movie ends with Patrick Duffy in the shower. 

If you do end up ruining the movie for your loser friends before they watch it, go ahead and blame Jar Jar Binks. That’s what we do. 

You are now informed. Go and do likewise. 

Illuminati: “Even We Had No Idea These Two Candidates Would Be So Incredibly, Destructively Polarizing”

Recent Illuminati MeetingA person close to the Illuminati admitted yesterday that even they had no idea how well both Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump would destroy the United States from within when both candidates were agreed upon by the secretive group to be chosen to represent the two major American political parties in the upcoming election. As much as the Illuminati have a tight grip and “near total control” and influence over every major world leader, the source said, they still could not foresee just how bad things will soon get for the US with one of these folks in charge of the nation.

“Oh, no, they’re screwed,” he said, referring to the populace of the United States. “Totally, utterly f—–. No question.”

Speaking on the condition of anonymity, because the clandestine organization has not publicly made any comment about the “dire, dire state the citizens of America find themselves in,” and also because if the Illuminati knew he were commenting about the existence of the society, they “would go medieval not only on me but on my whole family, like worse than Keyser Soze,” the source said the Illuminati hasn’t had to manipulate anything said or done on either side of the election since late in 2015.

“They’re doing it themselves, completely by themselves,” the source said. “It’s incredible how they both just keep doing things to feed the rift and the huge divide amongst the American public. It’s truly a thing of beauty to watch, if you are a fan of seeing the fabric of the American society and way of life implode on itself like a dying star.”

Between missing or lost or destroyed e-mails, or old tapes of misogynisitic rhetoric, or just the amount of lies spewed by both sides, “it’s like something out of our wildest dreams. They’ve done in just over 18 months what it has taken our small group more than 200 years to do: undermine any semblance of common ground, unity and hope for a functioning democracy. We truly can’t wait to see how this plays out. If a full-out civil war hasn’t broken out before Christmas, we’ll be shocked. New Year’s at the latest. Book it.”