Tag Archives: Tiger Woods

TDQ Investigates: A-Rod Finally Paying People To Lie For Him, Rather Than Doing It Himself

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Four of a KindNew York—It’s about time, Alex Rodriguez. You’ve been able to afford this for years, but for some reason, in the past you had taken it upon yourself to lie to reporters about using steroids and lie to your wife about cheating on her. Now you’ve finally hired somebody to lie on your behalf about your poker playing, though they admitted later (how many stories about you have the phrase “admitted later?”) that you did play, but the stories coming out about you playing contained “factual inaccuracies.”
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Tiger Woods Reportedly Trying To Find Danny Noonan From “Caddyshack” To Replace Stevie Williams As His Caddie

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Danny Noonan

Tiger Woods immediately regretted his decision to change caddies.

Windemere,FL—Tiger Woods is once again listening to advice from his new handlers about what direction to take his golf game. After recently firing his longtime caddie Stevie Williams, a source close to the Woods camp said Woods and his people are trying to track down Danny Noonan, the young caddie employed at Bushwood Country Club in the film, “Caddyshack.”

The announcement that longtime friend Bryon Bell will be on the bag for Woods at this week’s World Golf Championship at Firestone in Akron, OH is just a temporary fix while his people look for Noonan.

“We knew that Tiger was a huge fan of that documentary, that ‘Caddyshack,’” the source said on the condition of anonymity. “I’m not sure how old the film is, but we’re hoping that young man is still available. Though, I mean really, who would turn down the opportunity to be caddie for Tiger Woods, no matter what their current position in life is?”
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Exxon-Mobil To Buy Walmart. Or Maybe It’s The Other Way Around. Somebody Big Is Buying Somebody Else Big

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Exxon-Mobile-WalMart Super TankerNew York—Wall Street was buzzing Monday over the announcement that either Exxon-Mobil is in talks to buy Walmart, or that Walmart is in talks to buy Exxon-Mobil. But shares jumped sharply for both companies, though they’ll likely change their name soon or do something else once one of them get bought out. Unless they decide to merge. But it’s a big deal.

“I was thrilled when this deal happened,” business analyst Trevor Watson of Moore-Dearing Investments said. “Didn’t it happen already? They didn’t buy out each other last year? Really? Who am I thinking of? Hang on. Sharon? Get me my Exxon-Mobil binder, please. Who am I- Huh…Well, I’ll be damned. I thought this was old news. But, yeah, yeah, it’s a big deal. Yes.” Continue reading →

PR Team for Tiger Woods Tells Him Playing Like Crap Will Help His Image

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Tiger Woods

PR firm calling the shots to help make Tiger a "Lovable Loser".

Dubai, United Arab Emirates— Tiger Woods again fell short of securing his first victory in 15 months Sunday, after posting a 75 in the final round of the Dubai Desert Classic, which was won by Alvaro Quiros, who shot 11 under-par 277. But actually, that’s all part of the plan.

A source close to the new PR firm hired by Woods shortly before he “apologized” for his indiscretions at PGA Headquarters last March said that sucking at golf makes him more likable.

“That’s the game plan for now,” said the source, on the condition of anonymity. “I mean, does anybody really think he’d go this long without winning unless he wanted to? He’s Tiger Woods. Come on!” Continue reading →