Category Archives: Health

New Diet Plan Finds Successful Weight Loss Achieved By Stressing Patients Out

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Red Tape Diet

If you do make it through the "impossible" acceptance criteria and still need to lose weight the program will require you to pick up each "Meal Prescription" from the pharmacist.

Detroit, MI—A new experimental diet plan that requires insurance approval based on medical necessity has been proven to work incredibly well, according to a prominent Detroit medical clinic.

Diane Scroath, MD said that her clinic is in the sixth month of the new diet plan that works hand in hand with insurance companies, wherein the patients are forced to wait for sometimes weeks on end before their insurance providers approve the treatment, leading to unprecedented anxiety-induced weight loss.
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New Study Finds Correlation Between Rising Cost Of Health Insurance And Higher Diagnoses Of Anxiety Disorders

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Health Care Cost Anxiety

This info-graphic shows the factors that Dr. Haslip has isolated and the end-result.

Denver, CO—In what for some reason has researchers confused, a new study has found that employees whose health insurance costs have risen more than their income has have a greater chance of being diagnosed with anxiety disorders and are more likely to begin taking anti-anxiety medication.

“It’s interesting,” said Dr. James Haslip, who headed the study. “In the data we’ve gathered, it seems that as people pay more per paycheck for their health insurance, they face a greater, much greater risk of developing anxiety disorders. And for some reason we as researchers can’t really understand, it seems that the percentage of people who are diagnosed with anxiety disorders and who take pay cuts while their health insurance costs continue to rise is nearly quadrupled. We’re stumped.”
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New Study Confirms The Existence Of Adult Onset Indifference Disorder

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Adult Onset Indifference Disorder

Dr. Todd Martinson didn't only discover Adult Onset Indifference Disorder, but he also suffers from it.

Chicago—Twenty years ago, if Dr. Todd Martinson had made the same discovery that he did last month, he said he would be on the phone with every scientist and doctor he knew, as well as every news outlet he could think of and every medical journal in print. But now? Not so much.
 
That’s because Martinson confirmed what he’d expected for some time now: that he himself was suffering from something identified as Adult Onset Indifference Disorder (AOID).
 
“I guess I’m happy. I suppose. This is a great thing to finally confirm,” Martinson sighed over the phone. “I guess we can help people, but…I just can’t get too worked up about it.”
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Blood Bank Afraid Donor Drop-Off Related To Concert Ticket Giveaway

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Femme Fatale

Grand Rapids blood bank marketing campaign has proved Fatale.

Grand Rapids, MI—A recent city-wide blood drive for The Grand Rapids Community Blood Alliance promised free concert tickets to the first 250 people who came in to donate blood. But the giveaway backfired when it turned out the concert offer actually kept people from wanting to donate.

Fliers and promotional material for the July blood drive read: “Each time you register to donate blood at any Grand Rapids Community Blood Alliance donor center or blood drive July 16-31, you will receive free tickets to see the Britney Spears ‘Femme Fatale’ concert at the Van Andel Arena on August 17th!”
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Health Group Warns About The Dangers Of Consuming Hot Dogs Laced With Arsenic

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Arsenic Dogs

Pro hot dog groups stress that individuals can safely consume arsenic laced hot dogs in moderation.

Karlsfield, VT—The Physicians Risk Intervention Committee for Karlsfield Studies, a Karlsfield, VT group that promotes preventive medicine and a vegan diet, unveiled a billboard Monday near City Hall with the advisory: “Warning: Hot dogs laced with arsenic can damage your health.”

The billboard features a picture of hot dogs covered in a white powder in a cigarette pack with what looks like a skull and crossbones drawn on it. Its aim is to increase awareness of a link between slow, agonizing, painful death and hot dogs laced with arsenic.

Hot dogs laced with arsenic, like cigarettes, should come with a “warning label that helps morons and other consumers understand the health risk,” said Diane Gillette, the committee’s nutrition education director.
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