Cooties Patient Successfully Transferred Into Another Second Grade Class

Cooties Patient

Cooties Patient, Kenny Bailey, 7, heading for the school nurse. Bailey’s principal said the regret of letting Bailey take his Cootie outbreak to this extreme was immediate.

Willard, OH—The second grader who contracted cooties while working with a charity organization in the public library arrived yesterday at the area elementary school where he will receive treatment in one of the most sophisticated isolation units in the country.

Kenny Bailey, 7, climbed out of the school’s golf cart with the help of another person, who steadied the young man as they walked the short length to an entrance at the school. Bailey was dressed in a red hooded biocontainment suit while his guide also wore elaborate protective gear.

The school nurse administered preliminary medical tests on Bailey upon his arrival to the facility, and provided him with an aspirin, according to representatives of the school board. Following the testing, Bailey was able to meet with his new teacher for about 10 minutes “She said he was in great spirits and extremely grateful,” a spokesman said.

Bailey arrived at his new school at 11:20 a.m. ET in a Dodge Minivan specially outfitted with containment equipment and an overhead DVD player showing Disney’s “Frozen,” a representative said in a statement. The arrival and transfer was “uneventful,” said area crossing guard James Newman, adding, “We are pleased about that.”

The classroom where Bailey will be a student “has unique equipment and infrastructure that provide an extraordinarily high level of clinical isolation,” and is one of only four of its kind in the country, the elementary school principal said in a statement. Teachers and hall monitors are specifically trained and practiced in treating “this type of student (with cooties),” the school added.

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New Study Disproves Old Theory That Laughter Is The Best Medicine

Laughter not the Best Medicine

Despite studies that show laughter is not the best medicine some experts (mainly comedians) are recommending that doctors add stand up and improvisational comedy classes to their already intense studies.

Baltimore, MD—A new study recently completed by Johns Hopkins University researchers has conclusively proven that laughter is not the best medicine, and that a number of more helpful treatments exist for a wide variety of ailments.

“We really went into this study expecting a completely different outcome, based on what we always took for sound medical advice all these years,” Dr. Prakash Maat said. Maat co-authored the study with Dr. Lawrence J. Hind. “But the science just didn’t back it up.”

Dr. Hind said test subjects, each suffering severe back and neck injuries, mostly from auto accidents and slip and falls, were divided into three groups. One group was given the standard treatment care plan administered by every hospital in the country. The second group was treated with moderate physical therapy and placebos. The third group was prescribed Dave Barry books and nearly 30 years’ worth of “Saturday Night Live” episodes, minus the Joe Piscopo years.
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New Study Finds That Breathing Oxygen And Sleeping Leads To Death Anyway

Death Rates

Death rates eventually reach 100% over time. The Daily Quarterly's official medical advice is: "Enjoy it while you can!"

Tallahassee, FL—An alarming new study conducted by researchers at Florida State University has concluded that combinations of breathing air and getting at least a small amount of sleep every day result in death, no matter what other activities people undertake.

Researchers studied death tables in the State of Florida going back to 2009, and found that no matter the age, occupation or lifestyle, inevitably, without exception, everyone who dies breathes air and sleeps.
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New Diet Plan Finds Successful Weight Loss Achieved By Stressing Patients Out

Red Tape Diet

If you do make it through the "impossible" acceptance criteria and still need to lose weight the program will require you to pick up each "Meal Prescription" from the pharmacist.

Detroit, MI—A new experimental diet plan that requires insurance approval based on medical necessity has been proven to work incredibly well, according to a prominent Detroit medical clinic.

Diane Scroath, MD said that her clinic is in the sixth month of the new diet plan that works hand in hand with insurance companies, wherein the patients are forced to wait for sometimes weeks on end before their insurance providers approve the treatment, leading to unprecedented anxiety-induced weight loss.
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New Study Finds Correlation Between Rising Cost Of Health Insurance And Higher Diagnoses Of Anxiety Disorders

Health Care Cost Anxiety

This info-graphic shows the factors that Dr. Haslip has isolated and the end-result.

Denver, CO—In what for some reason has researchers confused, a new study has found that employees whose health insurance costs have risen more than their income has have a greater chance of being diagnosed with anxiety disorders and are more likely to begin taking anti-anxiety medication.

“It’s interesting,” said Dr. James Haslip, who headed the study. “In the data we’ve gathered, it seems that as people pay more per paycheck for their health insurance, they face a greater, much greater risk of developing anxiety disorders. And for some reason we as researchers can’t really understand, it seems that the percentage of people who are diagnosed with anxiety disorders and who take pay cuts while their health insurance costs continue to rise is nearly quadrupled. We’re stumped.”
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