Good Lord, Steve Bartman Just Cannot “Catch” A Break: Poor Bastard Bungles Ring Exchange In Celebration Ceremony

Bartman Ring

As the story goes Bartman reached for the ring early as it was being presented where it fell into an electric space heater which was set to high to compensate for the room’s faulty air conditioner thermostat. The ring shorted out the heater and arcwelded itself into a puddle of melted gold.

Chicago— It was deja vu all over again Monday for infamous Chicago Cubs fan Steve Bartman as the hapless, poor son of a bitch bungled and ultimately dropped a World Series souvenir ring in a ceremony where the team was giving its most hated, controversial fan some love in the form of some bling. 

Witnesses to the incident conferring upon Bartman his own 2016 World Series Championship ring confirmed reports that Bartman juggled the ring as it was being handed to him, ultimately dropping the ring and destroying it, in exactly the same manner that he destroyed the Cubs’ hopes for a pennant in 2003.  

“I wouldn’t have believed it if I didn’t see it myself,” Cubs executive Theo Epstein said. “After all these years, he finally comes back to be with the team after his horrible, detestable actions in the Championship Series back in ’03, and the poor bastard does it all over again, dropping the damn ring like a hot potato. I swear to God, if he had been wearing a set of headphones and that ridiculous turtle neck, it would be like October ’03 all over again. Geez. Poor bastard.”

Sources also confirmed that former Cubs left fielder Moises Alou was in the background at the ceremony. bemoaning the dropping of the ring, and berating Bartman as he jumped up and down in anger. 

Bartman had for years declined invitations from the team to come back and enjoy a live Cubs game in person at Wrigley Field, and did not participate in the World Series parade help last fall, despite being asked to attend. It is unclear if he required an armed escort leaving the ring ceremony, as he did in 2003 after dropping a foul ball after idiotically reaching out and literally snatching the ball from poor innocent Moises Alou’s grasp, and shattering all hopes of a Cubs World Series win 14 long seasons ago.

Sources: House Staff Says Tiger Woods Doing Just Fine As Normal, Everyday, Typical Stay-At-Home Dad

Tiger Woods At Home

Dozens of Tiger Woods staff members will tell you he lives just like a regular guy.

Jupiter Island, FL—Anonymous sources close to the live-in staff who work with pro golfer Tiger Woods have told  The Daily Quarterly that the oft-injured Woods, who is recovering from yet another surgery on his back from 2015, has adapted “relatively well, all things considered,” to being a regular stay at home dad.

“A lot of men, when they can’t earn a living the way they’re used to doing it, they have a really hard time adjusting to life at home, all day every day,” said an associate of one of Woods’ valets. “But Tiger really has adapted pretty well. It was really a surprise.”

Woods, who reports say flew around the world on private jets and stayed in luxury hotels while playing on the world’s best golf courses, has been able to adjust to not having tournament officials and caddies wait on him hand and foot, said a good friend of Wood’s live-in butler.

“He gets up early, just like he did when he worked,” said the source. “He makes sure the nanny gets the kids up and fed, and then he and the chauffeur get the kids off to school.” The source also said that Woods “makes sure the cook has the kids’ lunches packed and ready for their tutor to carry for them at school.”

And Woods isn’t content to just sit around watching soap operas all day. “He gets some work in on his golf projects since he can’t go out and practice 16 hours a day like he did 12, 15 years ago. Woods will video conference with the staff of his course design company if he isn’t able to fly to Dubai or Monte Carlo if he has the kids that week. Just like any other good dad.”

“The one guilty pleasure he does have is watching ‘Maury’ every afternoon,” the source said. “He’ll watch it with just a housekeeper or two, sometimes the gardener, in his 40-seat theater room on the 200-inch projection TV. Just like your typical dad, he loves seeing if the dudes on there are indeed the baby-daddies or not. He really digs that. Sometimes he’ll mention that he knows one of the women on the show, too. It’s hilarious. Then he’s really happy when the dude is found out to be the daddy. He laughs and laughs and laughs when that happens.”

Manti Te’o Backs Up Kurt Busch’s Claim That His Ex-girlfriend Was A Trained Assassin

Kurt Busch with Patricia Driscoll

Te’o was unable to produce a photo of himself with his girlfriend Kurt Busch and Patricia Driscoll but we were able to find this photo of the two returning from a date.

San Diego—Count San Diego Charger player Manti Te’o as somebody who is on the side of NASCAR driver Kurt Busch shortly after Busch testified in court last Tuesday that his former girlfriend, Patricia Driscoll, was a trained killer for the US government.

Te’o told reporters yesterday that he has gone on “numerous double dates with Kurt and his girl in the past, and she has mentioned on several occasions that she was a hired killer taking out bad guys for the CIA.”

Te’o said that he and his former girlfriend Lennay Kekua met Busch and Driscoll through mutual friends of Kekua, and he found her tales of international intrigue and espionage “quite exciting,” and he had “no reason whatsoever not to believe” Driscoll as she regaled Busch, Te’o and Driscoll over dinners, movies and walks on the beach.

Te’o said he was sad to see that Busch and Driscoll had parted ways, and thought that they had made a cute couple during the times he and Kekua would go on vacations and couples cruises with them.

“I remember staying up late talking with Lennay and we both said how perfect Kurt and Patty were for each other,” Te’o said. “I can only shake my head.”

But in the end, Te’o said he found a way to be philosophical about the fragile nature of love. It’s a subject he knows a little about, after all.

“It’s sad,” Te’o said. “You hate to see any relationship end, especially when a couples’ careers get in the way. But I guess when you have one partner who risks their life driving around a circle at 260 miles an hour, and another partner who flies off all over the world at a moment’s notice snuffing out political targets, it just puts too much of a strain on the couple.” Continue reading

NCAA Investigating Report That FSU’s Jameis Winston Assaulted FSU President With A Turkey On Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving Kerfuffle

This alleged Instagram photo shows the alleged turkey thrown, allegedly, by Jameis Winston at alleged FSU president John Thrasher.

Tallahassee—Various sources, including, but not limited to, the New York Times reported last night that the NCAA is investigating accusations that Florida State University quarterback Jameis Winston is in hot water once again after he struck university President John Thrasher “on or about the head, neck and shoulders” with a turkey during Thanksgiving dinner at Thrasher’s home.

Mark Emmert, current NCAA president, issued a statement that said, in part, “To be quite honest, this really presents a myriad of issues and possible violations on both the university’s part and the student-athlete’s.” Emmert didn’t say how this latest blemish on Winston’s record would affect the team’s bowl bid. The statement went on, “On the one hand, one has to wonder why the school’s quarterback would be at the home of the school president for a meal, regardless of whether that meal is Thanksgiving or not. Then, there is the allegation that the student-athlete allegedly attacked said university president with what has been described as a ten or fifteen pound turkey. And yet still more witnesses have said that gravy and stuffing was involved. We’re still looking into that.”

Florida State is looking to repeat last year’s championship season, and some fans have accused the NCAA and media outlets for unfairly targeting the program.

“Some accounts say Mr. Winston hopped up on the dinner table and shouted obscenities prior to striking Mr. Thrasher,” Emmert said. “Yet other accounts say that Mr. Winston walked into the residence, went to the rear of the home and took a bag of the turkey and then left the property without saying anything, then he hit the president with the turkey when he wouldn’t get out of his way quickly enough for his liking. And still another account said that Mr. Winston autographed dozens of turkeys, which is an NCAA violation, before hitting Mr. Thrasher with one of the turkeys.”

Calls seeking comments from Winston’s camp were not immediately returned. Fortunately for the Seminoles, they have an off week this Saturday, they only have to play the Florida Gators. Continue reading

Tim McCarver Beside Himself Not Being In The Booth For This World Series, What With So Many Great Names For Him To Butcher

Tim McCarver

If you are a sadist who can’t get enough of Tim McCarver or you want to prank a friend be sure and pick up his recent album where he sings jazz songs.

Former horrible baseball broadcaster Tim McCarver, perhaps the worst color analyst in the history of spoken language has reportedly told friends, neighbors, former colleagues and people unfortunate enough to not be able to get out of his way that he is exceptionally disappointed to not be in the booth calling this year’s World Series between the San Francisco Giants and Kansas City Royals, “what with all the terrific, awesome names that he can completely and hilariously butcher in ways not thought possible by anyone with even a meager grasp of the English language.”

According to numerous sources who are, sadly for them, close to McCarver, he has recently taken to “sitting in his recliner reading the sports pages and just being miserable reading names like (Kansas City Royal outfielder) Norichika Aoki, (Royals infielder) Alcides Escobar and (Royals pitcher) Yordano Ventura. It kills him seeing those names, just thinking of how he could mispronounce them differently each game despite being told by numerous people how to properly say them.”

Mercifully, McCarver retired after calling last year’s World Series for Fox, and the broadcast airwaves have been all the better for it. True, websites dedicated to how horribly McCarver polluted the air have and mangled the poor, defenseless English language had to look elsewhere for terrible commentary during natinally-broadcast sporting events, but his legacy of malapropisms and ridiculous tales does live on.

Said one poor bastard source, nearly in tears, “I mean, really, just take a second and think about the incredible things he could do with names like (San Francisco Giants pitcher) Yusmeiro Petit and (Giants first baseman) NLCS hero Travis Ishikawa. And his awful stories? You don’t think he’s come up with more horrible, in appropriate, nonsensical stories in the past year? The world is missing out. His friends are suffering tremendously, but the world is missing out.” Continue reading