Category Archives: Sports

Chicago T-ball Coach Suspended For Saying He Admires Ozzie Guillen

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Reaction of the parents of players on the Little Cubs was mainly a mixture of anger and sadness, as evidencd by Marcy Kowalski, 29.

Chicago—North Side Athletic Association Cubs T-ball Coach Kris Harris has been suspended for five games after comments he made lauding former Chicago White Sox manager Ozzie Guillen.

At a news conference following a parents-only meeting, Harris again apologized and said he’ll do whatever he can to repair relations with parents six year-olds and the community angered by the remarks.

“I’m very sorry about the problem, what happened,” said Harris, 24. “I will do everything in my power to make it better. … I know it’s going to be a very bumpy ride.”

The suspension takes effect immediately. Continue reading →

Dan Marino: “It’ll Be A Cold Day In Hell Before Peyton Manning Is A Dolphin”

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Don't make Dan Marino angry about his legacy. You wouldn't like him angry about his legacy.

Miami—With the announcement yesterday that idiot Indianapolis Colts owner Jim “follow me on Twitter” Irsay was releasing the best thing that ever happened to Indianapolis, Peyton Manning, speculation started as to where the future Hall of Famer will play out the remainder of his career, with the Dolphins as the odds-on favorite.

But not everyone was thrilled that Manning might bring his talents to South Beach. Former Dolphin great and actual current Hall of Famer Dan “Laces Out” Marino told reporters he would do everything in his power to prevent Manning from joining the Dolphins.

“Look, don’t push me on this,” Marino said. “Do you know who I am? I’m a legend, a legend, in Miami. I am without question the greatest quarterback ever to take a snap in a Dolphin uniform, and that will change over my dead body. Did you write that down?” Continue reading →

Manny Ramirez Return Possibly On Hold After He Learns He Still Faces 50-Game Suspension

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Manny Ramirez

Manny Ramirez will attempt to maintain his athletics by exercising with patrons of the local YMCA while he sits out the next 50 games.

Phoenix, AZ—Smiles of joy were replaced with frowns of confusion last week when recently un-retired slugger Manny Ramirez showed up to Oakland A’s spring training but was told he still had to miss the first 50 games of the 2012 season as punishment for his failure of another drug test last year.

Ramirez said he was “stoked” to return to baseball with Oakland after “retiring” during the first month of the 2011 season after playing five games for the Tampa Bay Rays. “I can’t wait to suit up and play baseball in Oakland,” Ramirez said as he walked into the clubhouse upon his arrival in Phoenix. “I love the east coast. Oakland is great.”
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LeBron James Gets Into Heated Verbal Exchange With Fan Over Greek Austerity Measures

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LeBron James

LeBron James pictured moments before defending Greek austerity measures.

Washington, DC—LeBron James is a fiery competitor, both on the basketball court and in the court of European economics, too, apparently. And this was put on full display to the world last week when security had to escort a fan out of the stands after a heated exchange with the NBA player.

Rob Monroe, the fan in question, made a political and economical remark to James that James clearly didn’t agree with, causing the two to almost come to blows during a Miami Heat victory over the Washington Wizards.
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NFL Running Back Ricky Williams Retires To… Ya Know… Spend More Time… With His Family. Yeah, For That Reason

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Ricky Williams

Ricky Williams seen "smoking" the competition.

Baltimore—Running back Ricky Williams, who won the Heisman Trophy Award in 1998 while playing for Texas, and already retired from the NFL once in 2004 after supposedly failing a drug test, announced last week that he was retiring from football for good this time. Honest. No fooling. This is it.

Many people close to Williams and the Miami Dolphins, the team he was with when he first retired, felt that he chose marijuana over his teammates. Williams always insisted that wasn’t the case, it was just that his teammates never got him high.
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