Oregon Governor To Overturn Law Allowing Drivers To Pump Their Own Gas After Rash Of Deaths From People Bursting Into Flames

Gasoline self-pumping disaster in Oregon

It seems Oregonians just weren’t ready to pump their own gas.

Salem, OR— Kate Brown (D), governor of Oregon, said last week that she would be striking down a recent law that went into effect January 1st that allowed some Oregon residents to pump their own gas after hundreds of deaths resulting from drivers incorrectly filling their tanks.

The law came to an end June 1st, but not before nearly 5,000 Oregon residents burst into flames at gas pumps around the state. 

“Never in my worst nightmares did I ever think so many people would lose their lives this way,” a visibly shaken Brown said. “The carnage that this law, this horrible, terrible law brought forth…I’ll be forced to live with the terror this law has wrought for the rest of my life…”

It is unknown exactly how many immolation deaths occur in the state each year on average, but Brown conceded that number “skyrocketed” during the first five months of 2018.

“They were right,” Brown said of the critics who felt the law was a bad idea. “They were so, so right. God help me, they were right and I was wrong. People in Oregon clearly just aren’t meant to pump their own gas. How in holy hell does the rest of the country do it?” New Jersey is currently the only other state in the U.S. that does not allow motorists to pump their own gas.

The worst day for gas pump deaths came on March 17, when 242 people, more than one every six minutes, caught on fire and burned to death while trying to fill up their cars. That day also saw 48 gas stations destroyed.

Brown did not answer questions about whether she would be resigning as governor. “My only focus right now is preventing these senseless deaths and protecting the vulnerable people of the great state of Oregon,” she said. “It’s obvious they need me more than ever right now.”

High School Football Coach In Trouble Over E-mail From College Football Coach, But It’s Not What You Think

The true cost of paper.

It takes this much wood to make a single sheet of paper. The waste wood is used for construction, furniture, flooring, pencils, tongue depressors, Popsicle sticks, and toothpicks.

Eugene, OR—Vitale High School football coach Clive Danielson has been suspended for printing an e-mail he received from a college football coach, a clear violation of the school’s e-mail policy. But the policy doesn’t prohibit the e-mail itself; Danielson is in trouble for the act of using the paper involved to print the e-mail itself, and then possibly lying about it to school officials.

“Every single e-mail sent from this school has at the bottom language about printing e-mails,” said Vitale Principal Barbara Kendrick. “And every single employee and teacher here knows how we feel about recycling and wasting paper under the guise of ‘communication.’ If we don’t act on this when things like this happen, then we run the risk of people not recycling, of throwing plastic bottles away with regular garbage, and then it ends up in the middle of the Pacific Ocean and seals become extinct. Where does it end? We are thinking globally and acting locally here.” Continue reading

“Professional Witness” Not Being Slowed Down By The Economy

Frank Caruso, Professional Witness

Frank Caruso's business card is not subtle.

Portland, OR—Frank Caruso has a most interesting career for himself: he’s a professional witness. He makes a living being paid by insurance companies and attorneys to testify at trials about seeing car accidents and slip and fall claims that people in and around Portland have made. He said he testifies about these incidents he happened to see in about 75 cases a year.

“I spend about half the week in depositions for upcoming trials,” Caruso said. “And I spend the rest of the week in trials themselves for losses from months back.”

And how does he find time to witness all the car accidents, slip and falls, fingers in soft drink cans and dog bites? “Ummmm…Good time management? Yeah. Good time management,” he said.
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