Illuminati: “Even We Had No Idea These Two Candidates Would Be So Incredibly, Destructively Polarizing”

Recent Illuminati MeetingA person close to the Illuminati admitted yesterday that even they had no idea how well both Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump would destroy the United States from within when both candidates were agreed upon by the secretive group to be chosen to represent the two major American political parties in the upcoming election. As much as the Illuminati have a tight grip and “near total control” and influence over every major world leader, the source said, they still could not foresee just how bad things will soon get for the US with one of these folks in charge of the nation.

“Oh, no, they’re screwed,” he said, referring to the populace of the United States. “Totally, utterly f—–. No question.”

Speaking on the condition of anonymity, because the clandestine organization has not publicly made any comment about the “dire, dire state the citizens of America find themselves in,” and also because if the Illuminati knew he were commenting about the existence of the society, they “would go medieval not only on me but on my whole family, like worse than Keyser Soze,” the source said the Illuminati hasn’t had to manipulate anything said or done on either side of the election since late in 2015.

“They’re doing it themselves, completely by themselves,” the source said. “It’s incredible how they both just keep doing things to feed the rift and the huge divide amongst the American public. It’s truly a thing of beauty to watch, if you are a fan of seeing the fabric of the American society and way of life implode on itself like a dying star.”

Between missing or lost or destroyed e-mails, or old tapes of misogynisitic rhetoric, or just the amount of lies spewed by both sides, “it’s like something out of our wildest dreams. They’ve done in just over 18 months what it has taken our small group more than 200 years to do: undermine any semblance of common ground, unity and hope for a functioning democracy. We truly can’t wait to see how this plays out. If a full-out civil war hasn’t broken out before Christmas, we’ll be shocked. New Year’s at the latest. Book it.”

The Daily Quarterly Turns Five, Kids!

Four score minus 75 years ago, we brought forth on this internet a news website, conceived in brilliance, and dedicated to the proposition that not all sources of where you get your news are created equal.

And it’s been a tremendous five years. With great interviews of great actors, rappers, award-winning writers, comedians, jewelers, fudge makers, liquor distributors, journalists and musicians. And insightful commentary and hard-hitting investigative news pieces that both local and national news organizations only dream of presenting.

We’ve taken down lying (or, “misremembering”) national nightly news anchors, uncovered corruption in both small town city halls and international city halls. We’ve brought you poignant obituaries of international luminaries, including sports figures, poets, film industry pioneers and people who successfully “EGOT”ed. We’ve exposed Illuminati plots, and we’re confident that we’re ever closer to taking down this fiendish, mysterious organization.

Through it all we’ve pushed the envelope with cutting-edge photographs, embracing state-of-the-art National Geographic-worthy illustrations and animation. And we’ve done it all for you, the reader. We knew what your lives lacked when we started this little enterprise five years ago with just $1.85 in our pockets, a train ticket to the big city, a couple of PCs and a big dream. And that dream continues to grow and to evolve.

We’ve met some great people along the way, who tell us everyday how much we’ve impacted their lives and how they view not only the internet, but the world itself. When we started this little site, we said, “If we can impact just one person, it will have all been worth it.” And we still feel that way, though we know we’ve changed and improved literally thousands of lives. But it’s nothing less than what you all deserve. Truly.

If the next five years can be nearly as awesome as these last five, we have no doubt the world and you and your family, no matter how small and insignificant, will be the better for it. All because of us.

You are now informed. Go and do likewise.

Illuminati “A Bit Miffed” That Nate Silver Is Getting All This Election Credit, When All He Did Was Copy And Publicize Their Numbers

A secret lair, possibly in the Rocky Mountains—With all the buzz that statistician Nate Silver has been getting lately over his correct predictions of the presidential election, some members of the Illuminati have confirmed they are unhappy that Silver is being portrayed as some number-crunching whiz kid, when everybody knows the numbers simply played out the way the Illuminati wanted them to.

A highly-placed source within the organization, who spoke to TDQ under the threat of torture and death if his/her identity is revealed, said Silver simply was given some sensitive information and regurgitated it to the naïve masses like the outcome of the election wasn’t already written in stone by the people who actually run the world.

“Somebody blabbed when they shouldn’t have and they’ll be dealt with accordingly,” the source said. “Was that somebody a high-ranking military member currently engulfed in a torrid sex scandal and potentially looking at treason charges? Who knows? Or could that person be a teenage Canadian pop star who just broke up with his Disney star girlfriend? Maybe, maybe not.”
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Rihanna: “I’m Not In The Illuminati; Next Person Asks Is Gonna Get Mysteriously Killed”

Rihanna

Rihanna claims no affiliation with the Illuminati. Her latest tattoo of Bavarian Illuminati founder Adam Weishaupt (seen here at the 2011 Grammy awards) tells a different story.


New York—Rihanna called an unexpected news conference last week to answer questions that no one actually at the news conference asked. She started the 15-minute conference saying that she’s been hearing rumors and seeing stories on the internet about her being involved in the powerful, secret global society, The Illuminati, and that she practices Voodoo.

She took no questions at the news conference, and after a short prepared speech, launched into an off-the-cuff profanity-laced tirade against LeBron James, Sarah Palin and Baxter from “The Great Space Coaster.”

But her detractors still weren’t convinced.
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