A person close to the Illuminati admitted yesterday that even they had no idea how well both Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump would destroy the United States from within when both candidates were agreed upon by the secretive group to be chosen to represent the two major American political parties in the upcoming election. As much as the Illuminati have a tight grip and “near total control” and influence over every major world leader, the source said, they still could not foresee just how bad things will soon get for the US with one of these folks in charge of the nation.
“Oh, no, they’re screwed,” he said, referring to the populace of the United States. “Totally, utterly f—–. No question.”
Speaking on the condition of anonymity, because the clandestine organization has not publicly made any comment about the “dire, dire state the citizens of America find themselves in,” and also because if the Illuminati knew he were commenting about the existence of the society, they “would go medieval not only on me but on my whole family, like worse than Keyser Soze,” the source said the Illuminati hasn’t had to manipulate anything said or done on either side of the election since late in 2015.
“They’re doing it themselves, completely by themselves,” the source said. “It’s incredible how they both just keep doing things to feed the rift and the huge divide amongst the American public. It’s truly a thing of beauty to watch, if you are a fan of seeing the fabric of the American society and way of life implode on itself like a dying star.”
Between missing or lost or destroyed e-mails, or old tapes of misogynisitic rhetoric, or just the amount of lies spewed by both sides, “it’s like something out of our wildest dreams. They’ve done in just over 18 months what it has taken our small group more than 200 years to do: undermine any semblance of common ground, unity and hope for a functioning democracy. We truly can’t wait to see how this plays out. If a full-out civil war hasn’t broken out before Christmas, we’ll be shocked. New Year’s at the latest. Book it.”