SeaWorld Caves To Crazy Animal Rights Activists And Agrees To Get Rid Of Killer Whale Shows; Will Replace Them With False Killer Whale Shows

New SeaWorld Promo

SeaWorld wants the activists to know they have won. The message is clear. No more killer whale shows.

San Diego—SeaWorld, in a move to rebuild its brand and combat declining attendance, announced yesterday that it will phase out its traditional Shamu show in San Diego and replace it with a show that is less about tricks and more about traditional entertainment, just with big, funny-looking fish.

Next year will be the last for the theatrical performances involving hoops and throwing fish and coming in 2017 will be what SeaWorld Entertainment describes as an entirely new orca experience, designed to take place in a more natural setting with brick background walls, microphones and two drink minimums. The announcement, made during a presentation by senior SeaWorld executives, is part of a multi-faceted effort by the Orlando-based company to refocus the public’s attention on its “conservation efforts” while also growing revenues and stabilizing the business of exploiting giant ocean-going creatures. And also to get PETA and the other animal rights nuts off their backs.

New SeaWorld Whale Show

The new show, which does not include killer whales, will be different from the circus fare of yesteryear. Instead false killer whales will be performing alternate stand up comedy routines with very frank and honest perspectives. But these whales also kill on stage! (But not like the killer whales.)

CEO “Billy” Joel Manby, who joined the company in March, was short on specifics as to what the new orca shows will entail. He did stress, however, with a straight face even, that the decision to appease the critics of the theme park was not conceived as a way to appease its critics.

In a bid to boost its sinking attendance, which plunged 17 percent last year, the company said it will bring a new, “very marketable” attraction that it is certain will make at least most of the jackass tourists who plunk down good money to watch what is essentially just a big aquarium happy for a few hours, and let them forget about their tiny little lives.

“The real whales, they get to retire and the ‘other, special’ whales, they get the attention they’ve so desperately been seeking for a long, long time,” Manby said. “It’s literally a win-win. Literally.”

TDQ Investigates: Is Jane Goodall The Latest Celebrity To Get Into Bed With “Big Whale?”

Jane Goodall

While a direct association between Goodall and whaling has been difficult to prove internet detectives have found this recent photo from Instagram user CaptainAyyy captioned “Fishing for the big one.”

We were afraid this would happen. It was only a matter of time.

The recent news of famed monkey scientist Jane Goodall jumping on the bandwagon and calling for SeaWorld to be closed down is just another example of a well-known celebrity, or spokesperson or athlete who say one thing about sea creatures and dolphins and the like, but who really are in the pockets of Big Whale.

And as anybody with a primate brain knows, Big Whale really wants every single whale currently residing at aquariums and water parks and the like to be released back into the wild, so they can be hunted down, Moby Dick-style, for their blubber and whale oil, like it’s 1850 again. It’s just another offshoot of the Illuminati.

But you loyal readers of The Daily Quarterly already know this.

Celebr-activists like Gwyneth Paltrow, George Clooney and Rosie O’Donnell are all famous pawns in Big Whale’s game, causing distractions in an effort to take our attention away from the real issue: Mind control and the brainwashing that is and has been running rampant in Hollywood.

Goodall and her ilk aren’t worried about the other animals SeaWorld takes care of and keeps off the streets and provides an education for. You think dolphins could last a week on their own out in the world? They need to be hand fed and taught to jump through literal hoops on a daily basis. And without kids on school field trips who buy shrimp to feed them, how will the sting rays eat on a daily basis? Is Jane going to provide them food every day? Of course not, she only deals with monkeys.

And what about the penguins? What about the penguins?

In typical Big Whale form, just like many other “celebrities,” The Jane Goodall Institution did not immediately respond to a request for comment. And that, sadly, is telling in and of itself.

You are now informed. Go and do likewise. Continue reading