It’s All In The Family When It Comes To Creating Fake Websites Parents Use To Scare Their Children

Beck Printing

Beck Printing is available for all of your one-off fake printing needs.

La Jolla, CA—In 1973, Travis Beckett’s father, a printer, came up with a dummy brochure for a neighbor of his to show his troubled teenage son. The brochure was for a fake military school the neighbor was threatening to send his son to if he didn’t straighten out. The brochure worked, and the teenager went on to found a huge software firm.

Word slowly spread among parents throughout California, and the business of printing up the fake brochures took off. And the biggest secret between parents in the United States was born, thanks to Beck Printing.
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Eminem Making Waves, Tons Of Coin, In Parking Lot Business

Slim Shady Covered Parking

A true hustler will find money in any game. Be it bottled water like 50 Cent, or Detroit area parking lots like Eminem.

Detroit—Marshall Mathers might not have a business degree, but he sure knows how to make money. Mathers, known the world over as rapper Eminem, has parlayed the fortune he made in the recording industry into another arena, and he’s killing the game there too: in the covered parking lot biz.

He recently opened his 11th lot in Detroit, and has five up and running in Los Angeles as well. If things stay on track, he’ll open up his 12th “Slim Shady’s Covered Parking” in Detroit in January of next year and expand into Atlanta in March.

Mathers said having his name attached to the business is a double-edged sword, however. While patrons like the idea of parking in the rapper’s lots because of his image, some customers also seem to just be attracted to his deep pockets.
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CEO Laments The Size Of His Bonus To The Remaining 43 Employees He Hasn’t Laid Off Yet

Belt Tightening

It is hard to tighten your belt when carrying so much weight in your midsection.

Richmond, VA—As the fiscal year came to a close, Firetide Corporation CEO Milton Filipkowski told employees in a “state of the company” meeting last week that he felt their pain and understood their frustration at having to go yet another year without raises or bonuses, since he himself wasn’t getting nearly as much of a bonus as he had been expecting.

“Look, I get it,” Filipkowski said to the assembled 43 employees of Firetide that he had yet to layoff. “I feel your pain, I do. We’re all tightening our belts. I fully expected at least six and a half million for my annual bonus. And I barely got more than four. Hell, last year, I took home almost eight million. I have to cut back, too now. It sucks.”
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Desperate JC Penney CEO Thinks Changing Company’s Name To Walmart Will Boost Sales

JCP

It looks busy inside. The scheme looks like it is working.

New York-Offering free haircuts in the same department store where you will soon be able to take a load off and have a cup of joe might not save sales and profits of JC Penney, so new CEO Ron Johnson is (once again) thinking outside the box.

Hoping he could do for Penney’s what he did as an executive at Apple, Johnson was brought in as CEO late in 2011 to revitalize the company. But so far, his ideas of a new pricing scheme and the resulting commercials have only confused and driven away longtime customers, dragging down both sales and the company’s stock price, which is down nearly 50% since he was hired.
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Mace And Taser Brands Team Up To Produce Mazer. Or Tace. Name To Be Determined

Maser/Tace

Tace: by the makers of Mace with the help of Taser. Maser: from the good people who make Taser in conjunction with the makers of Mace.

New York—The two respective companies that manufacture personal safety equipment Mace and the Taser confirmed reports yesterday that they have developed a new security device that combines the best features of both products and brought them together “to form one, quasi-lethal personal safety weapon against assault that will change the game forever. Muggers and attackers, watch out!”

A press release put out simultaneously by both companies touted the new product as “what America has been waiting for when it comes to fighting the war on bad guys.”

The press release did not provide specifics, but a source familiar with the new product confirmed that it will come in a spray container like Mace does, but will have the jolt and electricity of a Taser. “Imagine silly string with enough voltage to make you wet yourself,” the source said. Continue reading