Dial-A-Down Manufacturer Trying To Find New Sport To Market Product To Besides Just Football


Dial-A-Down, Ball, Strike, Out, Basket, Goal, whatever: Dial-A-Down is looking to expand its market beyond football.

Cleveland, OH—Pioneer Athletics, the makers of all those dial-a-down stick marker things you see being held on the sidelines of the football matches you’re forced to watch on Thanksgiving when your loud-mouthed jock cousin refuses to let you finish watching the parade, just like he does every year, even though you’ve tried to make it abundantly clear since you were in junior high school that you could care less about football or whom the Cowboys of Dallas are playing this year and whether they have a chance at making the “post season,” whatever the hell that is, is looking for a new sport to market their famous device, since it seems not too many other sporting contests require a large pole with orange numerals atop it that change from 1 to 2 to 3 to 4.

A spokesman for the company said they are looking to other sports to see which of them could use some scoring revamping. “We think the most obvious sport for us to get a foothold in is probably this baseball thing,” Trip Wiernik, director of marketing for Pioneer Athletics said. “I mean, assuming it’s got staying power and isn’t a fad. They’ve got those strikes, and those outs, they only go up to three. But they also have pitches, they have pitches that are called what they refer to as ‘balls,’ also. And they go up to four. So, conceivably, baseball would have reason to use up to three different dial-a-downs. It’s really a no-brainer. But nobody at MLB headquarters will return our calls.”
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Major Stipulation In Sale Of Los Angeles Dodgers Is That They Change Sports And Become Football Team

Dodger's Football

Artist's concept of the transition from baseball to football at the existing Dodger's stadium.

Los Angeles—Several sources have confirmed that whoever the rich sucker that swoops in to buy the troubled Los Angeles Dodgers turns out to be has been told by Major League Baseball that the team has to make the switch from playing baseball to professional football to get any ownership bid approved.

Whoever that is, according to sources, will get a $70 million discount on the Dodgers’ price tag to make the move. The Dodgers have been in LA since they left Brooklyn after the 1957 season, and have been playing baseball since 1883.
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