Albuquerque, NM—For years now, David Perrin’s been telling his wife he was smart enough to get on “Jeopardy,” and that he was smart enough to win big on it. It turns out he was half right. But unfortunately, if he and his attorney have their way, neither his wife nor the American viewing audience will ever see Perrin crash and burn like no other contestant in the history of the storied program.
Perrin’s attorney has filed an injunction against “Jeopardy” that will prevent the show from airing and allowing the world to see Perrin fail more spectacularly than anyone ever thought possible on the quiz program.
“I’ve watched the tape,” said Perrin’s attorney, Vi Brentwood. “It’s horrible. It’s a horrible, cringe-worthy experience, and I hope I never have to watch it again. Just imagine if you were up there, answering question after question wrong, digging yourself a bigger hole by the minute. I, I can’t even keep talking about it. I feel nauseous.”
Perrin was undone by his knack for ringing in quicker than his opponents, though it’s hard to tell whether they slowed down toward the end in an effort to let Perrin answer first. “I have no doubt that son of a bitch to my right was loving every minute of it,” said Perrin.
Sony, who owns “Jeopardy,” has not commented publicly on the injunction, and neither they nor Perrin’s attorney would confirm the total amount Perrin ended “Double Jeopardy” in the hole. But a source who said she was in the audience for the taping of the episode said “it was more than 25 thousand. It was pretty ugly. And sad. It was sorta funny, but mostly sad.”
To his credit, Perrin did answer a total of five questions correctly. However, he followed up two of those correct responses by then selecting the “Daily Double” clues, and, in an effort to climb out of the hole he’d dug himself, bet as much as the game allowed, only to get them both wrong.
“I winced, I still wince, just thinking about the video,” Brentwood said. “I’ll have nightmares of watching that poor bastard go down in flames for the rest of my life. I’m not only doing what’s right for my client, I’m protecting the American people. Trust me. The horror…the horror.”