Little Rock, AR—High school sophomores Ashley Phillips and Leanne Carter have a mission in life: to get country music star Taylor Swift named the next American Poet Laureate.
“We read about Robert Frost and Karl Shapiro in school,” said Ashley, 15. “And they pretty much sucked. So we figured we’ve had enough bad Poet Laureates, it’s time for a good one. One who can write great poems and songs, and one who understands people. And Taylor Swift totally gets what it’s like to grow up in America today.”
Ashley said their mission would be much easier if she could get a Facebook page going dedicated to this, “but my ‘Fascist’ parents won’t let me get on Facebook yet.” Leanne, also 15, said she has the same problem.
Their classmates aren’t all completely on board with her idea yet, though. “Stacey Greene said we should try and get Carrie Underwood to be Poet Laureate,” Leanne said. “But for one thing, Carrie Underwood doesn’t write her own songs, and for another, I think she’s in trouble with some (federal) prosecutor or something still.”
“Plus, she’s fat,” said Ashley.
“She’s not fat!” said Leanne. “She’s a vegetarian!”
“So?” asked Ashley. “Veronica Cox is a vegan, and she’s as big as a house.”
“She’s a vegan?” Leanne said, clearly stunned. “No, she’s not. I’ve seen her eat pepperoni pizza.”
“When?” asked Ashley.
“I saw her just last month at the mall with John Baker and she was eating pizza with him in the food court,” Leanne said.
“Were they on a date?” Ashley asked. “It doesn’t count if you’re on a date. She can still be a vegan-“
“A fat vegan,” Leanne said.
“Right, a fat vegan,” Ashley agreed. “But she can still be a fat vegan and eat meat and cheese on a date. But why is John Baker going out with her?”
“She’s a rebound,” Leanne said. “He’s still totally in love with Jessica Urich.”
“She (Jessica Urich) told me we should make Avril Lavigne American Poet Laureate,” Ashley said. “You believe that?”
“Avril Lavigne writes her own songs, though,” Leanne said.
“Yeah, but she’s Canadian,” Ashley said.
“Oh,” said Leanne.
Representatives for Taylor Swift could not be reached for comment on the proposal. Veronica Cox would not comment for this story, instead ignoring us in the hallway on her way to Algebra 2.