Carrie Underwood’s Back Killing Men In Her Songs. Again.

Carrie Underwood

Carrie Underwood: Singer. Songwriter. Murderess?

Two years ago we expressed our fear of multi-award winning recording artist and former “American Idol” winner Carrie Underwood and her anti-bad-man music. And now the wife of that hockey player guy is at it again with her latest single, “Church Bells.”

This latest ditty again tells the tale of a wronged, beaten woman, who takes the law into her own hands, as Carrie Underwood so often does, as she clearly feels this is a proper solution. After the backstory in the song tells about how the woman obviously married “Game of Thrones'” King Joffrey, Underwood practically teaches a class in murder, Shonda Rhimes-style.

Jenny slipped something in his Tennessee whiskey
No law man was ever gonna find
And how he died is still a mystery

Good Lord. How many man-bashing killing songs does one artist have to release before she finds herself at the top of the list for every murder of a man in Nashville? Like, six? Will six songs be enough? Seven? How about seven?

It’s understandable that she’s angry about her husband’s team getting knocked out of the playoffs, but there has to be a more constructive way of venting her anger. Maybe knitting, or Crossfit. We’ve heard good things about those adult coloring books. Very soothing.

Bottom line is that she clearly has anger issues, and it’s probably a good thing her husband is a big, strong Canadian(?) guy. But there aren’t many strapping men like him in Music City. He may be able to fend off her murderous rage, but how many other guys there can?

All we can say is, watch your back, dudes of Nashville.

Watch your back.

You are now informed. Go and do likewise.

Carrie Underwood, Church Bells

Pick up Carrie Underwood’s new single Church Bells for some rockin’ tunes and a bonus recipe for murder.

TDQ Investigates: How Can Carrie Underwood’s Songs Hate Men So Much When She’s Married To A Hockey Player?

Carrie Underwood

Carrie Underwood protesters argue their case to police at a recent event. Rumor has it that after hearing some Underwood lyrics the allegedly philandering officer joined the protest.

In this, our second editorial exposing the lousy lyrics of today’s music, we examine Carrie Underwood’s not-so-subtle man bashing in some of her songs.

Now, by and large, we love Carrie Underwood. She is far and away our favorite Grammy-winning vegan American Idol winner from Oklahoma. But we fear it’s obvious that she wouldn’t like us, what with us being men and all.

Because it’s clear in her lyrics that she has progressively gotten more violent in her feelings on men who done her wrong. She’s gone from taking baseball bats to headlights and slashing tires to deciding not to wake up her abusive father so a tornado can flatten their home with her old man passed out drunk on the couch, to finally conspiring with the other woman to kill a cheating husband.

Not since the Dixie Chicks, those anti-America, anti-patriot Texans brought us the song “Goodbye Earl” a decade ago has offing a husband been so catchy.

But with the lyrics

“Two months ago his wife called the number on his phone
Turns out he’d been lying to both of them for oh so long
They decided then he’d never get away with doing this to them
Two black Cadillacs waiting for the right time, right time”

…Underwood has shown what her songs are capable of. Continue reading

TDQ Investigates: The Downward Spiral Of Song Lyrics Today

Jagger Moves

Dong get us wrong here. No one is saying Jagger doesn’t have moves.
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More Jagger Moves

It’s just the thing about Jagger moves is…
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Even more Jagger Moves

Moves like Jagger’s should not be coveted nor extolled.
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What in the hell has happened to song lyrics these days? It’s a topic that bothers us here at TDQ headquarters on a daily basis. Where have all the great songwriters, the James Taylors and Gordon Lightfoots (Lightfeet?) of the world gone? For every Taylor Swift today there are ten Pit Bulls. We defy you to find somebody today who could pen a song about a shipwreck in one of the Great Lakes that would be worth remembering.

This piece is the first in a series of editorials we have about the sad, dismal state of songwriting today. We have no doubt we won’t be running out of material any time soon.

To wit: “Moves like (Mick) Jagger?” Really? Moves like Jagger? That’s the best you got? Why not, “Moves like (Latin ballroom dancing champion) Riccardo Cocchi?” Huh? Huh, Adam Levine? Was Maroon 5 intentionally trying to be controversial, or were they pandering to The Rolling Stones? Let’s be transparent, Adam, like you are on your on your “Adam Levine for Proactiv Plus” that so many acne-suffering insomniacs are all too familiar with.

And “Take me by the tongue” at the beginning of the chorus? Boy, oh boy. If you were taken by the tongue, as you so eloquently state, Mr. Levine, how in the world could you sing about it? Think, man, think! Hashtag: sad.

As we said earlier, there are plenty of songs we have issues with. We aren’t just picking on the lousy lyrics in this one particular Maroon 5 song. We have plenty to say about plenty other artists, like Carrie Underwood and the hottest thing to come out of New Zealand since “Lord of the Rings, “Lorde, too, which we’ll get to. “Royals,” indeed.

So keep your eye on this space, and your ears on the lookout for more horrible lyrics. You won’t have to search long to hear plenty. And we’ll help you through it.

You are now informed. Go and do likewise. Continue reading

Amanda Bynes To Play Taylor Swift In Upcoming Bio Pic

White Horse

Amanda Bynes is Taylor Swift in White Horse: The Taylor Swift Story.

New York—Despite a recent string of bizarre tweets, photos and arrests, things aren’t all bad for twice-retired-unretired actress Amanda Bynes. Sources confirmed yesterday that the former star of “The Amanda Show” has just been cast as Taylor Swift in an upcoming bio pic of the famous country star.

The film, tentatively titled “White Horse,” is set to begin filming this fall in Nashville and Vancouver, which will double as Swift’s hometown in Pennsylvania.

“Crazy excited, yl’all (sic)” Bynes tweeted last night when her reps confirmed the casting. “Gonna shoe (sic) the haters they can all suck it when I get my oscar 4 this movie!!!”

Bynes went on to compare her upcoming performance to also-recently-in-trouble-with-the-law actress Reese Witherspoon, who won an Academy Award for her portrayal of June Carter Cash in “Walk the Line.” “If Rese (sic) can win a (sic) oscar for playing a music lady, you beter (sic) believe I sure as hell can!”

It is unclear how much involvement Swift herself will have with the film, but some sources said they aren’t ruling out a cameo, maybe “as Carrie Underwood or something crazy meta like that!”
Continue reading

Grassroots Campaign Underway To Name Taylor Swift Next United States Poet Laureate

Poet Laureates

Sticking to tradition, outgoing Poet Laureate Philip Levine reads a piece from the incoming Poet Laureate's body of work. In this case, the "Fearless" album song book.

Little Rock, AR—High school sophomores Ashley Phillips and Leanne Carter have a mission in life: to get country music star Taylor Swift named the next American Poet Laureate. 

“We read about Robert Frost and Karl Shapiro in school,” said Ashley, 15. “And they pretty much sucked. So we figured we’ve had enough bad Poet Laureates, it’s time for a good one. One who can write great poems and songs, and one who understands people. And Taylor Swift totally gets what it’s like to grow up in America today.” 

Ashley said their mission would be much easier if she could get a Facebook page going dedicated to this, “but my ‘Fascist’ parents won’t let me get on Facebook yet.” Leanne, also 15, said she has the same problem.

Their classmates aren’t all completely on board with her idea yet, though. “Stacey Greene said we should try and get Carrie Underwood to be Poet Laureate,” Leanne said. “But for one thing, Carrie Underwood doesn’t write her own songs, and for another, I think she’s in trouble with some (federal) prosecutor or something still.”
Continue reading