Philadelphia, PA—Newly-appointed Federal Prosecutor Marjorie Hill-Swift is appealing to the public for help in identifying the victim of Carrie Underwood’s senseless act of vandalism “that she so gleefully sang about in 2006’s ‘Before He Cheats.’”
Hill-Swift’s office released a statement saying: “Depending on the jurisdiction of this crime, we’re concerned that the Statute of Limitations may be running out. We’re appealing to the victim to come forward so that this office can pursue charges against this woman, and justice can finally be served.”
Hill-Swift said if a regular person had a song that had sold over two million copies and admitted to taking a baseball bat to headlights, digging keys into the side of the vehicle, puncturing all four tires and carving their name into the leather seats, they’d be brought to justice. “And Ms. Underwood is not above the law,” Hill-Swift said. She said her office will see to it that Underwood understands that.
“Unlike other women in country music,” Hill-Swift said, “who write love songs about white horses and laundry and the simple act and joy of breathing, Ms. Underwood chose to glorify vandalism, and in so doing, earned herself two Grammys and a double-platinum album. It sickens my stomach that this woman’s song performed so well when there were at least two other women in country music who deserved those honors.”
Hill-Swift said her office has contacted John Walsh in the hopes that this crime will be showcased on Walsh’s FOX television program, “America’s Most Wanted,” but so far, neither Walsh nor representatives for his program have responded.
“We have a confession. The entire country, and most of the world has heard it,” Hill-Swift said. “I heard it just this morning driving to work on 92.5 XTU, Philadelphia’s Country Station. She clearly is proud of her actions, and shows absolutely no remorse for it. Now we just need to find the victim. Maybe next time she’ll think before she takes a bat to another person’s automobile. I might have saved a little trouble for the next federal prosecutor.”
Requests for responses to this article and autographs have not been answered by Underwood’s management team. It’s likely she’s already gone on the run.