TDQ Investigates: The True Genius Of Perhaps The Greatest Tool Ever Invented: The Scissors

Scissors
Just try cutting a ceremonial ribbon with a rock. It would take forever and you would look like an idiot doing it. We are not sure why rock beats scissors. If it was up to us scissors would beat everything.

We here at TDQ think it’s about time we give a shout out to the scissors. They truly do not get the accolades they so richly deserve. We know it, you know it. It is time that is set right.

Just think about how hard a time you would have trying to cut out your ex spouse from your wedding photos without a pair of scissors.

Or how difficult would it be for Saville Row tailors to fit your $1500.00 suit without a good pair of scissors? How would any bank or large office building or Walmart open without a giant pair of novelty scissors to use during the ribbon-cutting ceremony? How unimpressive would the Swiss Army knife actually be without the extra tool of the small set of scissors in there?

It just breaks our hearts how overlooked and taken for granted the scissors are in modern society. Admit it, before you clicked on this article, when was the last time you appreciated the craftsmanship, the pure perfection that a sharp pair of scissors offer you? If we had to go through life using those crappy scissors we had in Kindergarten, nothing would EVER get done. Ever.

Now, admittedly, we weren’t around when they were first developed. It’s possible the fanfare surrounding their unveiling was greater than we would think. Did they do a ribbon-cutting ceremony to introduce the new product that was scissors?

Try to imagine “The Greatest American Hero” without the symbol on Ralph’s suit. That symbol was inspired by a pair of scissors. It’s true, Google it. Or think about how difficult cutting up an old, expired credit card would be without a pair of scissors handy. We shudder to think about that.

So the next time you go to wrap a present, or cut a coupon out of your daily newspaper, or cut the lamination around your fake ID just so, or trim your nose hairs, just take a minute to appreciate how wonderful our lives truly are thanks to the scissors.

You are now informed, go and do likewise.

Desperate JC Penney CEO Thinks Changing Company’s Name To Walmart Will Boost Sales

JCP

It looks busy inside. The scheme looks like it is working.

New York-Offering free haircuts in the same department store where you will soon be able to take a load off and have a cup of joe might not save sales and profits of JC Penney, so new CEO Ron Johnson is (once again) thinking outside the box.

Hoping he could do for Penney’s what he did as an executive at Apple, Johnson was brought in as CEO late in 2011 to revitalize the company. But so far, his ideas of a new pricing scheme and the resulting commercials have only confused and driven away longtime customers, dragging down both sales and the company’s stock price, which is down nearly 50% since he was hired.
Continue reading

Source: McDonald’s Secretly Infiltrating Wendy’s, Causing Customer Service “To Totally Tank”

Wendy McDonald

The Daily Quarterly has obtained this photo of an alleged fast food double agent. Her name: Wendy McDonald.

Atlanta—An unnamed source with ties to fast-food restaurant giant McDonald’s has told The Daily Quarterly exclusively that employees of McDonald’s have been getting themselves hired at fast-food competitor Wendy’s over the past 24 months, and have “systematically, slowly been destroying” the reputation of Wendy’s in an effort to drive the chain out of business.

“I mean, just think about it,” the source said. “When was the last time you had a pleasant dining experience at Wendy’s? Can you even remember? I seriously doubt it.”

The source said the plot started in the southeastern United States around July 2010, when people still on the McDonald’s payroll would go and get hired by Wendy’s. They were instructed to start off eager and with a good attitude, but to slowly start to treat customers shabbily and deliberately bungle orders, in the hopes that customers would leave the chain in droves and never return.
Continue reading

Exxon-Mobil To Buy Walmart. Or Maybe It’s The Other Way Around. Somebody Big Is Buying Somebody Else Big

Exxon-Mobile-WalMart Super TankerNew York—Wall Street was buzzing Monday over the announcement that either Exxon-Mobil is in talks to buy Walmart, or that Walmart is in talks to buy Exxon-Mobil. But shares jumped sharply for both companies, though they’ll likely change their name soon or do something else once one of them get bought out. Unless they decide to merge. But it’s a big deal.

“I was thrilled when this deal happened,” business analyst Trevor Watson of Moore-Dearing Investments said. “Didn’t it happen already? They didn’t buy out each other last year? Really? Who am I thinking of? Hang on. Sharon? Get me my Exxon-Mobil binder, please. Who am I- Huh…Well, I’ll be damned. I thought this was old news. But, yeah, yeah, it’s a big deal. Yes.” Continue reading

Walmart Amazed That Other Retailers Are Still Trying

WalMart...your business will be assimilated?

Artist's impression of how the ever-expanding WalMart retail empire might appear circa 2300 A.D.

Bentonville, AR–A spokeswoman for Walmart said Friday over drinks that she is baffled that other retail chains are not only still around, but are trying to be successful.

“I just don’t get it,” Faye Burrell, Walmart’s Chief Information Officer said at the Holiday Inn & Suites bar out by the interstate. “Why in the hell don’t they just fold up their tents and go home? What are they trying to accomplish? Who are they trying to impress?”

She did concede, though, that founder Sam Walton’s vision of owning every retail market in the country and “showing those poor souls what retail domination is really like” would not be pleased that some department stores are still in existence.
Continue reading