Poll Finds Most Americans Didn’t Know The National Hockey League Ended 2004-2005 Work Stoppage, Let Alone Have Any Clue About This Recent One

Hockey Lockout

Among the many benefits of a hockey lockout there is more ice available than ever before for figure skating.

New York—A recent poll co-conducted by The Daily Quarterly and USA Today found that most Americans were not aware the National Hockey League had entered its second work stoppage in a decade following a lock out of the players on September 16thafter the players union and the league failed to reach a consensus on a new collective bargaining agreement.

The poll also found that more than half of the sober respondents were unaware that the league’s prior work stoppage, which wiped out the entire 2004-2005 season, had ended, and hockey had since been played for more than six years with no interruptions,

“Yeah, yeah I know they’re on strike, or locked out or whatever. They’ve been on strike since, what, 2002 or something, right?” said New York Knicks fan and waste management advisor Frankie Ryland, 39. “I got friends who handle strikes for the right price. You want I should make a call?”
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Alleged Long-Lost Descendant Of Francis Scott Key’s Suing Over Back Royalties For “The Star-Spangled Banner”

One thing Francis Scott Key and alleged relative Roger Cadwallader have in common: they were both detained on a ship at one time in their lives.

Baltimore, MD—A man claiming to be a distant relative of National Anthem writer Francis Scott Key filed lawsuits yesterday in federal court against Major League Baseball, the National Football League and the National Basketball Association for “a bajillion dollars,” for unpaid royalties “spanning literally decades” over the use of “The Star-Spangled Banner” being played or sung prior to the beginning of professional sporting events.

Roger Cadwallader, 28, said he filed the lawsuit because “these fat cats have been screwing me and my family over for far too long, and I’m done letting them play the song that my great uncle, or great great grandfather, whatever he was, the song that he worked so long and hard and, truth be told, risked his life to compose. He nearly died in that cell on that ship out in the ocean writing that poem, and me and my family have never seen one dime from any sports association. Nothing. Well the rooster has come home to roost now, people.” Continue reading