Dennis Rodman: “My Bad, I Thought I Was Going To North Dakota”

Rodman

Rodman’s first indication things were awry were the very sparse accommodations in the first class section of his North Dakotan Airlines flight.

Miami—Former NBA star and ex-Mr. Carmen Electra Dennis Rodman admitted to the media yesterday that during his recent foray into diplomacy and sit-down dinners with North Korean leader Kim Jong-un, he mistakenly thought he was heading to North Dakota.

“I honestly, honestly thought, y’all, that I was going to North Dakota,” Rodman said. “I kept asking dude, ‘Hey, when we going to see the Mt. Rushmore?’ but everybody kept looking at me like I was nuts, which I’m used to actually. But then we finally landed after like three days on the plane, that was a long damn flight, and everybody was talking all crazy. And when we finally ate dinner after a couple hours, it dawned on me we wasn’t in no North Dakota.”
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Alleged Long-Lost Descendant Of Francis Scott Key’s Suing Over Back Royalties For “The Star-Spangled Banner”

One thing Francis Scott Key and alleged relative Roger Cadwallader have in common: they were both detained on a ship at one time in their lives.

Baltimore, MD—A man claiming to be a distant relative of National Anthem writer Francis Scott Key filed lawsuits yesterday in federal court against Major League Baseball, the National Football League and the National Basketball Association for “a bajillion dollars,” for unpaid royalties “spanning literally decades” over the use of “The Star-Spangled Banner” being played or sung prior to the beginning of professional sporting events.

Roger Cadwallader, 28, said he filed the lawsuit because “these fat cats have been screwing me and my family over for far too long, and I’m done letting them play the song that my great uncle, or great great grandfather, whatever he was, the song that he worked so long and hard and, truth be told, risked his life to compose. He nearly died in that cell on that ship out in the ocean writing that poem, and me and my family have never seen one dime from any sports association. Nothing. Well the rooster has come home to roost now, people.” Continue reading

TDQ Investigates: We Told You People Years Ago About Jeremy Lin. Pay Attention!

Jeremy Lin

A look back at the archives shows that Lin was our pick for best middle school player for the 2001-2002 season.

A lot has been made of late by the national media about this cat Jeremy Lin of the New York Knicks. He set the record for most points in his first three, and then first four, starts in the NBA, amassing more points than guys like Jordan, Kobe and LeBron.

Only recently, the national media has finally learned what we at The Daily Quarterly have been saying for years. Years.
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LeBron James Really Kind Of Excited The Lockout Has Ended So He Can “Hurry Up And Get Them Championships Already!”

LeBron James

LeBron James likes to express his feelings with sculpture. In the down time while the season was suspended he had this piece commissioned and placed.

Miami—After falling heartbreakingly short of proving all the haters wrong last season and winning an NBA Championship, basketball superstar LeBron James said he’s kind of excited to see the NBA lockout end so he can get going again on his pursuit of his elusive first championship trophy.

“See, now I know in my heart that I’m the greatest player of all time,” James said with a straight face. You really had to be there to appreciate the earnestness with which he uttered that sentence. Classic. “But some people, for whatever reason, they think I need to have trophies and championship rings to be the best. So, you know, not that I’m motivated by what other people think of me or say about me, except if they’re signing my paycheck, but I suppose a championship or two wouldn’t hurt. But that’s not the reason I brought my talents to South Beach. I know I’m the best wherever I play.”
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