LeBron James Really Kind Of Excited The Lockout Has Ended So He Can “Hurry Up And Get Them Championships Already!”

LeBron James

LeBron James likes to express his feelings with sculpture. In the down time while the season was suspended he had this piece commissioned and placed.

Miami—After falling heartbreakingly short of proving all the haters wrong last season and winning an NBA Championship, basketball superstar LeBron James said he’s kind of excited to see the NBA lockout end so he can get going again on his pursuit of his elusive first championship trophy.

“See, now I know in my heart that I’m the greatest player of all time,” James said with a straight face. You really had to be there to appreciate the earnestness with which he uttered that sentence. Classic. “But some people, for whatever reason, they think I need to have trophies and championship rings to be the best. So, you know, not that I’m motivated by what other people think of me or say about me, except if they’re signing my paycheck, but I suppose a championship or two wouldn’t hurt. But that’s not the reason I brought my talents to South Beach. I know I’m the best wherever I play.”
Continue reading

Now That Heat Have Lost The NBA Finals, Chris Bosh Can Concentrate 100% On Lawsuit Over Facebook Page Comparing Him To “Monsters, Inc.” Character

Chris Bosh

The Facebook fan page in question. The resemblance is uncanny.

Miami—Miami Heat “player” Chris Bosh might not have earned himself a championship ring, trophy, respect or anything else earlier this month, but he can take solace in knowing that losing the NBA Finals in six games gives him the opportunity to commit full-time to his pending lawsuit against the creator of a Facebook fan page comparing Bosh to “Randall” from the Disney-Pixar film, “Monsters, Inc.”

Lawyers for Bosh issued a statement regarding the lawsuit saying, “While Mr. Bosh certainly would have enjoyed winning his basketball matches and celebrating in Miami with his colleagues and hoisting the NBA Cup, he does find a measure of comfort in being able to concentrate completely in putting a stop to this childish, scandalous page on the social networking site known as ‘Facebook.’” Continue reading

Rihanna: “I’m Not In The Illuminati; Next Person Asks Is Gonna Get Mysteriously Killed”

Rihanna

Rihanna claims no affiliation with the Illuminati. Her latest tattoo of Bavarian Illuminati founder Adam Weishaupt (seen here at the 2011 Grammy awards) tells a different story.


New York—Rihanna called an unexpected news conference last week to answer questions that no one actually at the news conference asked. She started the 15-minute conference saying that she’s been hearing rumors and seeing stories on the internet about her being involved in the powerful, secret global society, The Illuminati, and that she practices Voodoo.

She took no questions at the news conference, and after a short prepared speech, launched into an off-the-cuff profanity-laced tirade against LeBron James, Sarah Palin and Baxter from “The Great Space Coaster.”

But her detractors still weren’t convinced.
Continue reading

LeBron James “Really, Really Surprised” The Dallas Mavericks Actually Want To Play The NBA Finals

LeBron James

It has been said this artist's impression of a proposed LeBron James statue is not to scale as it should be twice the size.

Miami—LeBron James said he doesn’t really understand the motivation behind the Dallas Mavericks insisting they actually play the best-of-seven NBA Finals, which are scheduled to start May 31st.

“I mean, they all saw my special last year (‘The Decision’ an hour-long LeBron love-fest that aired on ESPN last July that culminated with James stating he was leaving the Cleveland Cavaliers and taking his talents to South Beach to play for the Miami Heat),” James said. “They know I decided to come here to win a title. And to do that, we had to outplay Boston. Well, we beat Boston in round 2. Why is Dallas doing this?”
Continue reading