Insurance Company To Policyholder: “Do As We Say, Not As We Do”

Assurance America

Assurance America: Do as we say. Not as we do.

Karlsfield, VT—When Mickey Morse was rear ended by another driver at a stop sign last month, he never envisioned that his own insurance company would give him such grief for not wearing a seatbelt, when the people in their own advertising are driving the down the road sans the lifesaving emergency device.

“They tried to tell me that my chiropractor bills wouldn’t be covered at the full rate I was being charged because the police report indicated that I wasn’t wearing my seatbelt,” Morse said. “And I says to them, ‘Why should I have to wear a seatbelt when you people advertise the joys and carefree feeling of not wearing it?'”

Morse was referring to the photo on the website for Assurance America, the insurance company he’s had car insurance coverage with since 2013. It shows shows a white, upper middle-class couple driving down the road in a convertible with the top down, with the woman obviously basking in the freedom one can only get when riding without a seatbelt.

“I mean, clearly they’re telling me and every other one of their policyholders that they’re just fine with not wearing a seatbelt,” Morse said. “But then when you get into an accident and you’re not wearing one, they pull s*** like this.” Continue reading

City Leaders Shocked That Employees Are Unhappy That (Once Again) Budget Has No Money For Raises, But Has Funds For New Scoreboards In Rec League Gym Used By City Manager’s Brother

Karlsfield, VT Gymnasium

When asked if the Karlsfield, VT Gymnasium ever made use of its abundance of seating for concerts and other activities the answer was, “No.”

Karlsfield, VT— More than a few city employees of this burg in northern Vermont have started to voice their displeasure about not getting a raise in more than five years compounded by taking pay cuts, when the city can afford to pay for new scoreboards in what the town’s City Manager calls, “The premiere sporting venue for indoor basketball for adults between the ages of 25 and 34, including some who were erroneously and egregiously not recruited to play college hoops and help their brother and family leave New England for Los Angeles, not only in the great state of Vermont, but of, quite possibly, the entire galaxy.”

“We have been told during every budget cycle for the past six years, that we have to tighten our belts, do more with less and adapt or shut up,” said an anonymous employee in the elections office. “We haven’t gotten a raise in those six years, and many of us took a two per cent pay cut four years ago. We were told that cut would be just for a year, but we still haven’t gone back to our original salaries before the pay cut. The city never has enough money, but it can afford to shell out 65-plus million for scoreboards utilizing its ‘rainy day’ fund. We’re getting pretty fed up. Morale is pretty low around here.”

The arena’s (old) scoreboards are nearly three years old,” said Karlsfield YMCA director Jeff Campbell. “We have to compete with other sports arenas in the area and in Canada and those losers in New Hampshire. $76 million is a small price to pay to keep up with the changing demands of a new arena, and really, it’s a steal. We got a great deal on these things. These are, if I’m being honest here, these are $100 million scoreboards. This is a coup, really, to get these at these prices.”

“What our jerk off employees have to realize is that there are only a finite amount of resources available, and if their feeble minds can’t grasp why the citizens they serve deserve the best damn rec league gym in this great country of ours, then maybe they should look into moving to New Hampshire.” City Manager Kevin Miles said. “They have jobs in this economy, and they have the audacity to complain about not getting raises or bonuses or healthcare one out of every four days. It makes me almost ashamed to be a city manager in this hellhole. Whiny asses.” Continue reading

Karlsfield City Council Passes Measure To Tax New Toy Construction

Karlsfield, VT Toy Construction

The city of Karlsfield, VT is serious about new toy construction permits. They were more than happy to show us what happens to buildings that didn’t have the proper permits.

Karlsfield, VT—A measure passed last night by the Karlsfield City Council could have serious implications for youngsters who love their LEGOs and other building blocks this holiday season, as beginning Dec. 1, all toys involving “the creation, construction or building of homes, domiciles, buildings or skyscrapers” will be deemed “new construction” and require building permits and certificates of occupancy by the town of Karlsfield.

“It’s a revenue stream that this city just could not continue to keep missing,” said the bill’s author, Councilman Bill Miles. “For too long now, children and teenagers have been skating by, erecting houses, castles and spaceports without the proper paperwork. This measure is long overdue.”

Despite significant opposition by parents and grandparents from all parts of town, the measure passed by a vote of 4-3 with five council members abstaining. Continue reading

Karlsfield Police Chief Defends Ticketing Drivers From States That Don’t Require Front License Plates

Karlsfield, VT Public Service Announcement

Despite flyers like these being posted at local hotels and tourist attractions most out-of-state visitors to Karlsfield, VT aren’t aware of this policy.

Karlsfield, VT—Karlsfield Chief of Police Leroy Pamas has come under fire recently from drivers who live out of state and pass through this northern Vermont town, only to receive tickets for not having a front license plate on their vehicle, per Vermont law, despite the fact that the state those drivers live in does not require a front license plate on vehicles.

Pennsylvania resident Cecil Hill said he got a $195.00 ticket last month while driving through Karlsfield and is having a very difficult time getting the ticket vacated. “I am having a very difficult time getting the ticket vacated.”

And Michigan driver Nicole Welka was told she would have to appear before a Vermont judge to have her case heard to dismiss a ticket she got back in 2011. “There is no way in hell I’m ever going back to that place,” Welka said. “No chance.”

“Vermont is a two plate state, plain and simple,” Pamas said. “I am not concerned with the license plate laws in other states. Once you cross into Vermont, and especially into Karlsfield, you better comply with the law. Get that second plate on there. End of discussion.”
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Karlsfield Politician Changes His Tune On The Need For Traffic Cameras In City After His Mother-In-Law Gets Cited Half A Dozen Times For Traffic Infractions

Karlsfield Red Light Camera

Dan Campbell’s mother-in-law insists that while it appears to be her car in the citations she was not the driver.

Karlsfield, VT—A prominent (according to his Facebook page) city councilman who led the charge in getting traffic cameras installed in this small northern Vermont town has now called for a vote to remove the cameras after his wife’s mother received her sixth ticket generated by the cameras in less than a year.

Dan Campbell told reporters after last night’s council meeting, “I’m not even going to stand here and dignify the allegations that anyone in my immediate or extended family or their driving habits have anything to do with my feelings on traffic cameras and the fact that they are bad for the great City of Karlsfield. I think we all know that photos can be doctored, can be cropped and photoshopped and what have you, and you can’t always believe what you see.”

But that argument is a complete 180-degree turnaround from his position just three years ago. He was quoted in 2010, when the camera debate first was brought to the City Council, as saying: “It stands to reason that the technological benefits far outweigh any upfront costs associated with installing these cameras, and nationwide studies have proven across the board that the revenue generated from the use of these cameras proving these traffic violations will more than pay for the costs of their installation. We would be foolish to pass up this opportunity. The technology that produce (sic) these photographs is state-of-the-art, and any scofflaw that would question the validity of any traffic citation they receive as a result of these cameras would be grasping at straws.” 
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