Possibility Of Iranian Monkey Astronaut Being A Hoax The Last Straw For One Poor Guy

Iranian Monkey Spaceflight TestResults

In some ways the monkey appears to be in better condition than when he left.

Preston, ID—Amid the recent mea culpas in sports and entertainment, and the admissions of secret love children, the use of performance-enhancing drugs after years of denials and whatever the hell was happening with the Manti Te’o thing, one middle-aged man has said he’s finally done with any and all news if this whole Iranian monkey astronaut turns out to be a hoax, too.

News reports around the world have now called into question whether Iran really did send a monkey into space and return him to Earth safely, saying that photos released by Iranian news agencies before and after the flight apparently show two different monkeys as subjects.

And if that turns out to be the case, that yet another once-credible entity is lying, then Dave Hoover, 50, said he’s done, done for good, with any and all news reports.
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Dan Marino: “It’ll Be A Cold Day In Hell Before Peyton Manning Is A Dolphin”

Don't make Dan Marino angry about his legacy. You wouldn't like him angry about his legacy.

Miami—With the announcement yesterday that idiot Indianapolis Colts owner Jim “follow me on Twitter” Irsay was releasing the best thing that ever happened to Indianapolis, Peyton Manning, speculation started as to where the future Hall of Famer will play out the remainder of his career, with the Dolphins as the odds-on favorite.

But not everyone was thrilled that Manning might bring his talents to South Beach. Former Dolphin great and actual current Hall of Famer Dan “Laces Out” Marino told reporters he would do everything in his power to prevent Manning from joining the Dolphins.

“Look, don’t push me on this,” Marino said. “Do you know who I am? I’m a legend, a legend, in Miami. I am without question the greatest quarterback ever to take a snap in a Dolphin uniform, and that will change over my dead body. Did you write that down?” Continue reading