Washington, D.C.—Ending years and years and years of debate and calls for change, the Washington Redskins announced yesterday that they were finally falling to public pressure and changing the name of their professional football team to the Washington Daniel Snyders, after the team’s owner, Daniel Snyder.
The 47 year-old billionaire has owned the team since 1999, and for more than a decade, has been under fire and under immense pressure to change the team’s name, including recent comments from President Obama calling for a name change.
“The Cleveland Browns, back in the day, were named for their first head coach, whatever his name was, at least until they wised up and moved to my neighboring city of Baltimore, so why can’t the Redskins, the great, noble, epic Redskins, be named for their owner? Their rich, good-looking, philanthropic, handsome owner?” Snyder said.
The team’s colors will change from maroon and yellow to black and white, and the offensive logo currently on the side of the team’s helmet will be replaced by a caricature of Snyder holding a cutlass in his mouth, akin to the old Tampa Bay Buccaneers logo, referred to as “Buccaneer Bruce.”
Snyder confessed he isn’t the first current NFL owner to contemplate changing his team’s name to his own, he is merely the first to act on it. “I’m not naming names, but just imagine a ‘Home Depot’ orange team in Atlanta, called the ‘Atlanta Blanks,’ or teams trying to keep up with the ‘Dallas Joneses,’ with a giant dollar sign on their helmets.”
NFL commissioner Roger Goodell released a statement last night, saying in part, “Okay, he’s changing the name. I don’t give a rat’s ass what he’s changed it to, but can we now quit talking about it? Please? Are we done? I have other things to tend to, like pretending to care about what’s going on in the locker room of the Dolphins and trying to make sure Manti Te’o isn’t pretending to date ghosts and whatnot.”