Tim McCarver Beside Himself Not Being In The Booth For This World Series, What With So Many Great Names For Him To Butcher

Tim McCarver

If you are a sadist who can’t get enough of Tim McCarver or you want to prank a friend be sure and pick up his recent album where he sings jazz songs.

Former horrible baseball broadcaster Tim McCarver, perhaps the worst color analyst in the history of spoken language has reportedly told friends, neighbors, former colleagues and people unfortunate enough to not be able to get out of his way that he is exceptionally disappointed to not be in the booth calling this year’s World Series between the San Francisco Giants and Kansas City Royals, “what with all the terrific, awesome names that he can completely and hilariously butcher in ways not thought possible by anyone with even a meager grasp of the English language.”

According to numerous sources who are, sadly for them, close to McCarver, he has recently taken to “sitting in his recliner reading the sports pages and just being miserable reading names like (Kansas City Royal outfielder) Norichika Aoki, (Royals infielder) Alcides Escobar and (Royals pitcher) Yordano Ventura. It kills him seeing those names, just thinking of how he could mispronounce them differently each game despite being told by numerous people how to properly say them.”

Mercifully, McCarver retired after calling last year’s World Series for Fox, and the broadcast airwaves have been all the better for it. True, websites dedicated to how horribly McCarver polluted the air have and mangled the poor, defenseless English language had to look elsewhere for terrible commentary during natinally-broadcast sporting events, but his legacy of malapropisms and ridiculous tales does live on.

Said one poor bastard source, nearly in tears, “I mean, really, just take a second and think about the incredible things he could do with names like (San Francisco Giants pitcher) Yusmeiro Petit and (Giants first baseman) NLCS hero Travis Ishikawa. And his awful stories? You don’t think he’s come up with more horrible, in appropriate, nonsensical stories in the past year? The world is missing out. His friends are suffering tremendously, but the world is missing out.” Continue reading

Jacksonville Jaguars Mascot: “I Thought Ebola Was A Bidding Website Where People Could Buy And Sell Items Online”

Jaguar's Ebola Incident

As we can see the Jacksonville mascot was only trying to make good on some sponsor signage that was ruined by a sports drink dumping celebration. Unfortunately that sponsor, edolla.biz, was not impressed.

Jacksonville, FL—About the only thing more unbelievable here in Jacksonville than the fact that the NFL team hasn’t relocated to London is the recent actions of the team’s mascot, one Jaxson de Ville, a daredevil, bungee-jumping anthropomorphic jaguar.

The mascot is recently coming under fire for the sign he was seen holding against at recent game against the Pittsburgh Steelers of Pittsburgh. It seems the fans of the Steelers of Pittsburgh are known for frantically waving yellow towels at important intervals of the football game, and these towels are known as “Terrible Towels.”

During the game October 5th in Jacksonville, de Ville was caught holding a sign that read, “Towels Carry ebola,” referring to said Towels being waved about by the visiting team’s fans.

Silent until just yesterday, de Ville issued the following statement: “I had no idea that ebola was a terrible disease currently affecting thousands of people and can cause a horrible death. I was referring to an internet website page site where people all over the world bid on and buy and sell items over the net. My intent was not to offend anybody.”

While some detractors of the team, and of the NFL itself, whose image is nothing if not of a classy, stand-up, credible, law-abiding, straight and narrow organization, are calling for the mascot’s dismissal, his explanation seems credible. The same mascot came under fire in the past for previous signs he’d been seen holding at games.

During a 2009 home game against the Baltimore Ravens, de Ville carried a sign throughout the game saying he had a cure for the visiting team’s “Case of Bird Flu,” outraging people who thought he was minimizing the world outbreak of Avian influenza. He issued a similar apology at that time.

And in 2004, during a game against the visiting Indianapolis Colts, he held up a sign saying he hoped that “SARS gets those COLTS” ostensibly referring to the viral respiratory disease that had struck Asia. de Ville at that time insisted he was referring to “the government agency in charge of taxing people, I meant I hope the Colts players get audited. Simple mistake.”

Indeed, even nearly 15 years ago, de Ville was making similar blunders. During the last home game in December of that year, when the Jaguars were playing the Denver Broncos,  he displayed a sign saying he wished “The Broncos Plane Goes Down In A Horrible Accident because of Y2K and Everyone DIES !!”

No explanation was given by de Ville for that particular gaffe. Continue reading

FSU Quarterback Jameis Winston Very Familiar With Being Places He Doesn’t Belong

Victoria Secret Fashion ShowTallahassee, FL—When word broke last weekend that crab leg-stealing Heisman Trophy-winning Florida State University quarterback Jameis Winston mysteriously found his way onto the playing field despite being suspended for the entire game against Clemson University for jumping up on a table in the student union at FSU and yelling an obscenity, it should really have come as no surprise.

Because that’s not the first time Winston has somehow found himself somewhere he didn’t belong, as all of the photos in this article will document.

Area 51Just last winter, Winston was seen backstage at a Victoria’s Secret fashion show in New York City. He did not face any disciplinary sanctions from Florida State and no charges were filed because none of the models would cooperate with police, as they “weren’t good looking enough like the hot ones on TV,” according to various Victoria’s Secret sources.

Alex Del PilarAnd several photos of Winston seemingly walking aimlessly and without care around Area 51 have been floating around the internet for several months.

We’ve also received word that Jameis Winston has been seen out on dinner dates with Manti Te’o’s ex-girlfriend on several occasions. Neither Te’o or his ex-girlfriend could be reached for comment. She clearly has a type, though.

Situation RoomPerhaps the most troublesome areas that Winston has somehow been able to find himself in have been inside the White House Situation Room, and at Camp David. It’s unclear if any of his teammates had joined him in either of these locales, as only Winston himself has been photographed there.

Camp DavidAnd we’ll be damned if he didn’t somehow find himself on the moon during Neil Armstrong’s moonwalk. The young man’s tenacious, there’s no denying that.

And if that jaunt into space wasn’t enough, Winston also somehow was on the set of the latest Star Wars film, and can be seen in the background when Harrison Ford injured himself earlier this year.

MoonWe’d say you should keep an eye on Winston as he finishes out his sophomore year at FSU, but with the way he finds himself in front of the camera so often, it’s really more difficult to not focus on him. Just ask the security officers at Publix.Star Wars SetPublix

Redskins Announce They Are Changing The Team Name To The Washington Daniel Snyders

The Washington Daniel Snyders

Looks like someone has been reading “Harnessing the Power of Spite to Achieve Your Goals.” (Available from Amazon in paperback and Kindle.)

Washington, D.C.—Ending years and years and years of debate and calls for change, the Washington Redskins announced yesterday that they were finally falling to public pressure and changing the name of their professional football team to the Washington Daniel Snyders, after the team’s owner, Daniel Snyder.

The 47 year-old billionaire has owned the team since 1999, and for more than a decade, has been under fire and under immense pressure to change the team’s name, including recent comments from President Obama calling for a name change.

“The Cleveland Browns, back in the day, were named for their first head coach, whatever his name was, at least until they wised up and moved to my neighboring city of Baltimore, so why can’t the Redskins, the great, noble, epic Redskins, be named for their owner? Their rich, good-looking, philanthropic, handsome owner?” Snyder said.

The team’s colors will change from maroon and yellow to black and white, and the offensive logo currently on the side of the team’s helmet will be replaced by a caricature of Snyder holding a cutlass in his mouth, akin to the old Tampa Bay Buccaneers logo, referred to as “Buccaneer Bruce.”

Snyder confessed he isn’t the first current NFL owner to contemplate changing his team’s name to his own, he is merely the first to act on it. “I’m not naming names, but just imagine a ‘Home Depot’ orange team in Atlanta, called the ‘Atlanta Blanks,’ or teams trying to keep up with the ‘Dallas Joneses,’ with a giant dollar sign on their helmets.”

NFL commissioner Roger Goodell released a statement last night, saying in part, “Okay, he’s changing the name. I don’t give a rat’s ass what he’s changed it to, but can we now quit talking about it? Please? Are we done? I have other things to tend to, like pretending to care about what’s going on in the locker room of the Dolphins and trying to make sure Manti Te’o isn’t pretending to date ghosts and whatnot.”

President’s Cup Team Taking A Page From Solheim Cup Team’s Playbook, Donning Red, White And Blue Face Paint And Hair Bows

President's Cup 2013

This year’s President’s Cup team is taking a page from the Solheim Cup team’s playbook and sprucing themselves up for the event.

Ponte Vedra, FL—Having decided they were impressed with the vibe and feeling exuded by the US Women’s Solheim Cup team this year, the male professional golfers competing in the 2013 President’s Cup team golf tournament decided they, too, would paint their faces in patriotic colors and wear USA-themed ribbons in their hair.

It will certainly be a different look, the US team captain said, but he got very excited once he could tell the team was acting as one in the decision.

“I wasn’t positive they would all buy into it, but once the boys saw Tiger (Woods) wearing an American flag sticker on his cheek, they were all in” said captain of Team USA, Fred Couples.

Couples said he decided to put all his cards on the table once the whole team was finalized, but had been toying with the idea for years before he was named captain.

“I, just, you know, was trying to think of a way to shake things up some, you know,” Couples said. “I had met Paula (Creamer, one of the members of the 2013 US Solheim Cup team) at a commercial shoot a while back, and we got to talking about the girls’ team spirit and who does whose hair before their matches. And it made me think. I mean, Phil (Mickelson) and Duf (Jason Dufner) have hair long enough to put red, white and blue bows and ribbons in, not to mention Sneds (Brandt Snedeker).”
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