New Product Purports Protection Against Shallow Water Shark Attacks

Sharks Shoes

Sharks Shoes. The foam shoe that makes your feet look like sharks, not fish!

Cocoa Beach, FL — As the number shark bites increase along Florida’s Space Coast local officials are grappling with the opposing forces of public safety and tourist revenue.  A local entrepreneur is hoping to solve both problems with, of all things, footwear.

Tom Emilylinson is not a podiatrist nor is he marine biologist but he is bringing both disciplines together to create a new line of footwear called Sharks Shoes, or just Sharks for short.  Emilylinson has a history in working with foams developed for the, now retired, space shuttle program.  He became concerned with the increasing number of shark bites happening along local beaches and felt compelled to do something.  But what could he do?

“The key came when I was watching the news,” Emilylinson began.  “Some shark scientist said the reason sharks were attacking wasn’t because of some Jaws like vengeance.  They were just biting feet because they thought they were fish.  She gave me the idea on a silver platter.  If people’s feet didn’t look like fish sharks wouldn’t bite them.”  Tom incorporated Sharks Shoes and began work on a line of foam shoes that looked like life-sized young adult reef sharks.  “They rarely attack their own kind.” Continue reading

Man’s Claims That Fashion Industry Is Pulling The Wool Over Our Eyes Fails To Materialize

Men's Fashion Through The Ages

A brief history of men’s fashion.

“I don’t want to air anyone`s dirty laundry in public but the whole industry has gotten as comfortable as an old shoe!” Men’s rights activist Lauren Ralph was eager to make his case. Ralph agreed to meet at the drop of a hat and I was a little unprepared. “Let’s be honest here. Women’s fashion is beating the pants off men’s fashion. I could put on my best bib and tucker and I bet my boots people would prefer to see a lady in her birthday suit. Sorry! I’m probably scaring the pants off you” Ralph said with a laugh.

We agreed to buckle down and get to the bottom of his claims. Firstly, Ralph purports that the men’s fashion industry is nothing more than a system designed to burn a hole in the male consumer’s pockets while manufacturer’s purses burst at the seams. Ralph claims to have been an industry insider who escaped by the seat of his pants trying to expose key players. In the end Ralph was unable to catch them with their pants down but he still wants to get the word out.

Originally The Daily Quarterly wasn’t even interested in the story until Ralph charmed the pants off a junior editor promising tales of cloak-and-dagger corporate espionage. So, the powers that be told me to put on my coat and tie and meet Ralph for an interview and a drink before the opportunity came apart at the seams.

“Before fashion had come into fashion,” Ralph began to explain, “before cutting a fine figure became more important keeping the dirt off most clothing was cut from the same cloth. People made their own clothes according to traditional designs. There was no desire to be decked out in the latest designer. People were more apt to die with their boots on. Enter the industrial age of mass production and clothing manufacturers raced to woo the consumer’s dollar like it was going out of style!” Continue reading

Bad Information Leads To Loss of Countless Hipster Beards

Business Is Good

Hipster barber shops saw a sharp rise in business following the release of bad information.

Williamsbug, Brooklyn – An already misunderstood socio-economic group affectionately known as “hipsters” was dealt a crippling blow recently that has put the entire organization in disarray. The details, not reported in mainstream outlets, have been cobbled together from first- and second-hand accounts. To the best of our knowledge the story is as follows: By clerical error or malice the global network that informs hipsters on current and future trends, known as “hipsternet”, gave the order that facial hair was no longer hip. The most dedicated members of the organization rushed to comply for the honor of being “first” but were devastated to learn that the information was untrue. For some, years of hard work has been lost.

For those out of the loop, the term “hipster” refers, simply, to those that dedicate themselves to the practice of being hip. However, mainstream hipness is not good enough. Hipsters must be on the cutting edge of hipness. There is nothing more hip than something that, to the mainstream, is considered to be unhip. This is where the “ironic” feedback loop begins. The least hip things are co-opted by the hippest of people. Eventually the mainstream accepts the un-hip as hip. The hipsters are forced to find new territory and the cycle continues. Case-in-point, there isn’t anything cool about a Civil War-era beard on a young man. Or is there? It isn’t something you can rush into after the fact.
Continue reading

2014 Tough Year For Satirical News Bloggers

Tough 2014

2014 has been a tough year for satirical news bloggers.

The first month of 2014 has been a real bummer, and satirical news bloggers are having a very difficult time plying their trade so far this year. With ongoing buzzkills like Snowden, and a harsh winter, there is hardly a story that can be flipped inside out to sarcastically highlight some triviality causing a primal rejection that leads to reflection on a broader truth. Maybe we could have picked the low hanging fruit and reported that the NSA is offering a new free email and cloud storage solution, but we were too busy trying to buy insurance on and sending pictures of our warm Floridian thermometers to our Northern relatives.

Sure, we had our fun with Bieber for a little bit. That was until he put the good people of our home state in grave danger with high/drunken drag racing. Maybe we missed the opportunity to write a story claiming he was now qualified for the NHRA Top Alcohol Funny Car racing class, but that would be unfair to the National High Speed Racing Association.

Just as we were compiling our annual awards show summary, one of our favorite actors, Phillip Seymour Hoffman, goes and dies. We were too distraught to continue with that article, let alone think up an ’80s TV show remake movie he was scheduled to shoot with Paul Walker. Like “Jake And The Fatman,” maybe?
Continue reading

No-Name Justin Bieber: Acting Out For Attention?

Struggling Graffiti Artist Justin Bieber

In a world with more craft stores than ever before this caption writer can’t imagine why someone would prefer the side of a building on which to paint and not a reasonable priced canvas.

At the time of this writing there are more than 7 billion humans on Earth. Who among us hasn’t struggled to stand out from the crowd? It is true that there are more outlets of personal expression than ever before: paper and electronic books; terrestrial and satellite radio; hundreds, nay thousands, of television channels; a myriad of social networking, blogging, video, and picture sharing outlets; a multitude of sports with balls of all shapes and sizes; competitive conveyance human and motor, and wind powered; Summer and Winter Olympics, and X Games; video games of all kinds on all sizes of screens with leaderboards ripe for climbing; and many more.

But, let’s be honest. The signal to noise ratio is lower than ever. A person can hardly find a post from their favorite pipe logoed occasional daily news source in their Facebook feed anymore. It is lost amongst the both flotsam and jetsam of posts from family, friends, acquaintances, and co-workers regarding some nonsensical blather.

Some people are able to use their talents to rise above the masses. Be it physical prowess (throwing or catching some sort of ball perhaps) or mental (like crafting a killer tweet, or blog post, or a super realistic looking Photoshop composite) the good attention getters capture attention in a positive way and make the world a better place in the process. Unfortunately some people, possibly due to a lack of a special talent, must resort to getting attention a negative way.
Continue reading