George Lucas Purchases Rights To First Six James Bond Films; Will, Of Course Digitally Alter Them

Dr. No - Lucas Edition

In this modified scene there is no doubt that the bad guy shot first. Dr. No - Lucas Edition will surely have James Bond fans saying "No!"

San Francisco—Not content to anger the rabid fan base of one hugely successful film franchise, Star Wars creator George Lucas has now set his sights on the James Bond series, purchasing the rights to the first six films in the series so he can “polish them up and re-release them with the story improved so they portray original creator’s intention.”

And what, pray tell, was the original creator’s, in this case, Ian Fleming’s, intention? Apparently, according to Lucas, it was that Bond only kills in self-defense and as a last resort. We can hear the outcry now: “Bond shot first!”

“It always bugged me, ever since I was a kid,” Lucas said from his sprawling Skywalker ranch while petting his pet Ewok, “that the Bond character’s just so cavalier about shooting people, whether they’ve actually fired a blaster, er-pistol at him or not. Even the opening sequence of the films, showing whoever plays Solo, I mean, Bond, showing them walking like they’re being viewed through a rifle sight or something, and then they all of a sudden stop and turn towards the camera and fire their weapon, causing the viewer’s vision to turn blood red and then falter. That always bugged me. Why’d he shoot first? Well now, I can fix that. And the films will be better for it.”

Lucas pointed to one scene in “Dr. No” in particular, the first scene he said he “fixed up” once he owned it. “Some bad guy, a Sith geologist or something, gets shot by Bond when they’re sitting in some woman’s bedroom after Bond disarms him after the guy empties his gun shooting at a bed where he thinks Bond’s sleeping. Bond knew the guy couldn’t kill him, his gun was empty, but Bond shoots him anyway. Well now, Bond missed a bullet, and the guy shoots at him first, so Bond kills him in self-defense. Makes him a much more likeable character.”

Lucas said he plans to ultimately buy the rights to every Bond film, “even the crappy ones, since they can probably be improved with a CGI lizard-man or maybe a talking squid or something,” and re-shape them and re-imagine them, bringing them into the 21st century.

“Never thought he should smoke, either,” Lucas said. “What we’ll do now is, when we can’t remove the cigarette altogether, we’ll give him a bad habit of chewing on a straw. That will work. Yeah, a straw. Maybe a toothpick.”

4 thoughts on “George Lucas Purchases Rights To First Six James Bond Films; Will, Of Course Digitally Alter Them

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