Orange Juice Company CEO Says It’s Not His Fault Consumers Thought “Squeezed By Hand” Implied Orange Juice Was Hand-Squeezed

Handy-Squeeze Orange Juice

Handy-Squeeze Orange Juice lawyers say that not only is the orange juice squeezed by the Handy Squeeze 3000 machine, good for a technicality, but the machine is started and stopped by a human daily.

Tampa, FL—The CEO of the second-largest orange juice producer in the state is attacking reports by the Tampa Tribune questioning why the company doesn’t actually use people to hand-squeeze their juice when their entire marketing campaign says it does exactly that.

Charles Apple, who was named CEO of Handy-Squeeze Orange Juice in 2009, initially refused to be interviewed by Tampa Tribune business reporter Jason Waldrup for an article he wrote last Sunday. But when the piece the newspaper ran questioned why the orange juice was manufactured using machines and robots in a large factory in south Florida, Apple took to the company’s website to defend its manufacturing process.

“Nowhere in any promotional material, on any carton of our product or on our website will you see the words ‘Squeezed by Hand,’” Apple’s response began, right under the company brand name and tagline: “Handy-Squeeze Orange Juice is squeezed by hand to ensure that fresh taste in every sip.”

To the right of the open letter to the public from Apple is the company logo, a hand squeezing an orange with the juice flowing into a glass beneath it.

“It’s irresponsible reporting by a local rag that I thought had more inegrty (sic) than that,” the statement continued. “In questioning how we make our delicious orange juice and quite possibly slandering the good name of a company we have worked since 1947 to make the best orange juice producer in the Sunshine State, Jason Waldrup and his editors have wrote (sic) a smear piece making no mention whatsoever of the wonderful community charitable endeavors our company has undertaken in the community, and all over this state of Florida. This leads us to wonder if Mr. Waldrup is even licensed to write newspapers articles in this state.”

The statement went on to say how difficult it is to squeeze juice from an orange, and how machines and “automated squeezer robots like as seen in Return of the Jedi” can do a much more “efficient, cost-effective and more streamlined job of squeezing up to 3,000 oranges an hour.”

Apple concluded that he expected a full-page redaction in the Tampa Tribune by March 10, or he would have to “help even more in the local economy by hiring a big law firm to sue the pants off the Tribune. And I canceled my subscription too, jerks.”

3 thoughts on “Orange Juice Company CEO Says It’s Not His Fault Consumers Thought “Squeezed By Hand” Implied Orange Juice Was Hand-Squeezed

  1. Pingback: “I’ve Always Been Good In Math So I Thought I Could Be A Comedian:” A TDQ Q&A With Comedian Martel Blue | The Daily Quarterly

  2. Hello dear this is aman jain regards from Orange Tractors Pvt. Ltd. I like hand sqeeze 3000 machine and i think this would be the best machine for my firm.So please mail me the furthur detail of this machine with the procedure of purchase.

    • Hello, dear reader. I regret to inform you that the HandSqueeze 3000 manufacturer is no longer in business. It seems that an orange flavored soft drink manufacturer has been buying fruit juice manufacturing technology and taking it off the market to increase demand for their own product.

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