Southwest Airlines: “Sure We Care About The Safety Of Our Passengers. Sure. Honest. No, Really.”


Engineers believe they may have identified the problem.

After Southwest Flight 182 from Phoenix to Sacramento lost cabin pressure at 34,000 feet last week and had to make an emergency landing, the airline has released a statement saying how concerned they were/are with the safety of the passengers that fly on their outdated, antiquated planes.

“Look, nobody was hurt, right?” the statement said, in part. “And isn’t that really all anybody cares about?” In fact, a flight attendant on board the plane was injured, but none of the 118 passengers aboard were hurt.

“We suppose if the plane had landed in the Hudson River, everybody would be cheering, right? It’s not like we let a poisonous snake loose or anything.”

The statement went on to reference several airplane disaster movies that were huge hits with audiences, and mentioned the 1980 comedy classic “Airplane!” by name, saying, “that movie was hilarious! Way better than the sequel, right? But that one, didn’t that one-wasn’t that one set on a space shuttle? Right? It wasn’t on an airplane even though it was called ‘Airplane 2?’ Yeah.”

The statement asked that the American public not “get so high and mighty and pitch a huge fit about the five-foot tear in the roof of our plane.” Southwest is looking into the situation and is re-examining “many, really like a whole bunch” of older planes to see if they have any hidden structural issues.

“But we’re not perfect, people,” the statement concluded. “Are you all perfect? No. So next time you get your panties all in a bunch because of a hole ripped in the roof of an airplane during flight, just remember, we’re people too. And air travel is not a perfect science. Would we all have enjoyed six wonderful seasons of the ABC hit show ‘LOST’ if planes never ripped apart in the sky? No, no we wouldn’t. And that would have been too bad, despite that ending…”

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