Researchers Beaten, Hospitalized During Coffee Study

Turner Group research facility.

Turner Research clinical study group area after caffeine deprivation research subjects turned violent.

New Haven, CT– A new study measuring the effects of lack of coffee took an unexpected turn Friday afternoon when three researchers were beaten by five of the six participants in the study and subsequently hospitalized.  

The study, which monitored the participents as they were deprived of coffee and other caffeinated beverages over a seven-day period, was nearly complete when one of the men in the study apparently snapped, and convinced four of the other five in the group, including an 81 year-old grandmother, to attack the researchers, said Gene Holland, spokeman for the Turner Group, a research firm in New Haven that sometimes does studies in association with Yale University.

“We were quite pleased with the results as the study progressed,” Holland, who was not involved directly with the study, said. “But then late Thursday night, the mood began to change, and the people involved in this vicious, senseless attack suddenly went from near exhuastion to terribly irritable, until finally, Friday afternoon, to full-blown rage. Frankly, we were surprised they had enough energy to attack anybody. But I can sort of understand them going after at least one of the researchers. He’s a real jerk.”

The names of the researchers were not released, and all are expected to make a full recovery.

“Fortunately, despite inflicting enough harm on the team to hospitalize them,” Holland said, “the attackers didn’t have enough energy to finish the job. And for that, we at the Turner Group are grateful. Though, to be quite honest, I wouldn’t mind if they had done more to that one guy I mentioned to you. Jerk.”

When asked about the sixth study participant who wasn’t involved in the beating, Holland said that person was just “way too tired. She was angry too, though, the night before. I have to say, though, that the one guy, he definitely had it coming. He once ate my lunch out of the refrigerator in the break room for an entire week. I had it labeled and everything. Each day, though, I’d come in to eat and it was gone. He denied it of course, that lying S.O.B. But his colleague, the one with the broken jaw, she told me it was him.”

The New Haven Police Department said it’s investigating the beatings, but it’s unlikely that any of the participants will face charges due to the extenuating circumstances of the study.

“Plus,” Holland said, “I’ll testify that the jerk deserved what he got. Nobody should be punished for putting him in the hospital.  And now, at least for a week or two, I won’t have to worry about him parking in my parking space.”

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