Good Lord, Steve Bartman Just Cannot “Catch” A Break: Poor Bastard Bungles Ring Exchange In Celebration Ceremony

Bartman Ring

As the story goes Bartman reached for the ring early as it was being presented where it fell into an electric space heater which was set to high to compensate for the room’s faulty air conditioner thermostat. The ring shorted out the heater and arcwelded itself into a puddle of melted gold.

Chicago— It was deja vu all over again Monday for infamous Chicago Cubs fan Steve Bartman as the hapless, poor son of a bitch bungled and ultimately dropped a World Series souvenir ring in a ceremony where the team was giving its most hated, controversial fan some love in the form of some bling. 

Witnesses to the incident conferring upon Bartman his own 2016 World Series Championship ring confirmed reports that Bartman juggled the ring as it was being handed to him, ultimately dropping the ring and destroying it, in exactly the same manner that he destroyed the Cubs’ hopes for a pennant in 2003.  

“I wouldn’t have believed it if I didn’t see it myself,” Cubs executive Theo Epstein said. “After all these years, he finally comes back to be with the team after his horrible, detestable actions in the Championship Series back in ’03, and the poor bastard does it all over again, dropping the damn ring like a hot potato. I swear to God, if he had been wearing a set of headphones and that ridiculous turtle neck, it would be like October ’03 all over again. Geez. Poor bastard.”

Sources also confirmed that former Cubs left fielder Moises Alou was in the background at the ceremony. bemoaning the dropping of the ring, and berating Bartman as he jumped up and down in anger. 

Bartman had for years declined invitations from the team to come back and enjoy a live Cubs game in person at Wrigley Field, and did not participate in the World Series parade help last fall, despite being asked to attend. It is unclear if he required an armed escort leaving the ring ceremony, as he did in 2003 after dropping a foul ball after idiotically reaching out and literally snatching the ball from poor innocent Moises Alou’s grasp, and shattering all hopes of a Cubs World Series win 14 long seasons ago.

In Defense Of Lena Dunham

Lena Dunham

A Donruss baseball card from 1983 featuring Lena Dunham playing for the Cubs.

So our Twitter feed has been blowing up the last few days about Lena Dunham. And we have since learned that Lena Dunham is the new face of feminism. We don’t quite know why Lena Dunham would be the face of feminism, but who are we to argue?

We always thought that Lena Dunham was most famous for some blunder during the 1984 National League baseball playoffs in what is affectionately referred to as the “Championship Series,” whatever that is. To wit:

“In the bottom of the seventh inning in the decisive fifth game between Dunham’s Chicago Cubs and the San Diego Padres, the Padres sent pinch-hitter Tim Flannery to face the Cubs’ ace pitcher Rick Sutcliffe.

Through the top of the sixth inning, the Cubs had a 3-0 lead. In the bottom of the sixth inning, the Padres cut the Cubs’ lead to 3-2 with a pair of singles by Alan Wiggins and Tony Gwynn, a walk to Steve Garvey, and sacrifice flies by Graig Nettles and Terry Kennedy. The bottom of the seventh inning kicked off with Carmelo Martínez walking on four pitches from Sutcliffe. Garry Templeton then sacrificed Martínez to second, setting things up for Tim Flannery. Martinez would then score when Flannery hit a sharp grounder that trickled through Lena Dunham’s legs for an error.

Groundball hit to Dunham…RIGHT THROUGH DUNHAM’S  LEGS!!! Here comes Martínez, we’re tied at three!

— ABC‘s Don Drysdale calling Cubs first basemAn LenA DuNham’s crucial error in the bottom of the seventh inning in Game 5 of the 1984 NLCS.

It turns out that the error became known as the “Gatorade Glove Play” because before taking position in the field that inning, Gatorade was spilled on Dunham’s glove. Some Cub fans apparently believed the Gatorade spilled on Dunham’s glove amounted to a curse, similar to the goat and Bartman curses of Cub lore.”

Dunham Error

The Dunham error that cost the Cubs the National League championship and, ultimately, the World Series.

In researching this piece, we also learned that the Cubs won the World Series this year. That seems like a big deal, since it had been like more than 30 years or something since they won it last, so it seems to us that Lena Dunham should be forgiven, right? Let bygones be bygones?

We don’t know what all the fuss about Dunham was the past week or so on Twitter, but we’re pretty sure you’ll agree that Lena Dunham’s error ought to be thought of as a thing of the past, and it’s been long enough now, that Dunham should be left alone.

You are now informed. Go and do likewise.

Chicago T-ball Coach Suspended For Saying He Admires Ozzie Guillen

Reaction of the parents of players on the Little Cubs was mainly a mixture of anger and sadness, as evidencd by Marcy Kowalski, 29.

Chicago—North Side Athletic Association Cubs T-ball Coach Kris Harris has been suspended for five games after comments he made lauding former Chicago White Sox manager Ozzie Guillen.

At a news conference following a parents-only meeting, Harris again apologized and said he’ll do whatever he can to repair relations with parents six year-olds and the community angered by the remarks.

“I’m very sorry about the problem, what happened,” said Harris, 24. “I will do everything in my power to make it better. … I know it’s going to be a very bumpy ride.”

The suspension takes effect immediately. Continue reading

TDQ Investigates: That Poor Bastard Steve Bartman

Steve Bartman

Things are looking up for Steve Bartman. He is making new friends out in the country. He's upgraded to noise canceling headphones.

October 14th marks the 8th anniversary of the day that then-26 year-old Cubs fan Steve Bartman’s life changed forever; and we’re not talking about the type of life-changing that happens when you win the lottery.

No, poor Steve Bartman achieved infamy after he tried to catch a fly ball in foul territory in the 8th inning of a game that the Cubs were up 3-0. He didn’t catch the ball, but he caught the wrath of Moises Alou and Cub nation.

There are plenty of sane people who don’t blame Bartman for the Cubs blowing the lead in game six of the playoff series against the Marlins that night, and then going on to lose the series to Florida. Just like there are plenty of sane people who didn’t blame Bill Buckner for the Sox losing the ’86 World Series. (fun fact: I have Buckner’s rookie card. He’s on it as a Dodger prospect with my cousin, Jack Jenkins. I had Jack sign it, but haven’t been able to get Buckner to sign it, too)
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