Kidnappers Petitioning Microsoft To Add “Ransom Note” Font To Windows

MS Ransom Font

Let’s be honest. If people are still even reading magazines it is on their tablet or, maybe, in a waiting room. And who wants to make a ransom note in a waiting room?

Redmond, WA—Microsoft has remained tightlipped to date, but a huge recent push by a kidnappers advocacy group for the addition of so-called “ransom note” font to the next Windows addition has finally been picked up on by the national media.

CNN recently interviewed the group’s leader, “Bob,” who insisted on last wee’s Don Lemon show that this sort of font would “save tons of time, energy and money for the nations’ abductors, which would in turn, save ransom time.”

“I mean, think about it,” “Bob” told Don, “all the time it takes for us to painstakingly cut out and paste letters in the notes we send to the families of our abducted people could be cut in at least half if we could just use the proper font to write the letters. It’s literally a no-brainer. And Windows is not addressing the issue.”

“Bob” insisted that if Microsoft executives did not finally take their plight seriously, there would be consequences that the software company really didn’t want to have to experience. And they would face these consequences soon.

Indeed, known South American drug cartel members echoed “Bob’s” sentiments, as well as cartel representatives in Mexico, which has seen its industrial kidnapping syndicate more than triple in the past decade. And reports indicate those numbers will only continue to grow.

“The market is there,” “Bob” said. “It’s supply and demand, simple economics. I am certain that if Bill Gates still was at the helm of Windows, this would already have been done by now. In fact, I may have to personally ask him myself soon if the Microsoft people don’t pay attention. Would they really want that? For me to personally ask him? I doubt it.”

Word Templates

A nice ransom font is a good start but todays customers will also expect some helpful templates to get them started.

But the magazine industry has repeatedly voiced their opinion that such a font would hurt their sales. Magazine lobbyist Nathan “National Geographic” House said that the companies he represents have already seen steady sales decline due to the internet. “Take away the people that use our products to prepare ransom notes, and you may as well shut us down. It’s sad. And it’s a scary time.”

Calls for comment from Microsoft executives were not returned at press time.

The Daily Quarterly Turns Five, Kids!

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Source: Taylor Swift’s Representatives “Crazy Livid” That Some Magazines Didn’t Put Her On The Cover Of Their December Issue

National Geographic

If Taylor Swift can’t make people care about rising sea levels caused by melting polar ice then no one can.

New York—It seems that not everything is going as great as we thought for former country star-turned pop queen Taylor Swift, if reports coming out of her camp are true. You may have noticed that Swift’s face has graced just about every magazine cover in every checkout lane in the country this month, but not every major publication felt the need to plaster the songstresses face on their mag. And that’s not sitting so well with some of her people.

“They better understand the magnitude of this situation,” an unnamed source close to Swift told TDQ. “If National Geographic ever wants a sit down with Tay-tay ever in this or the next lifetime, they need to yank off those pics of Aborigines spear-fishing in Uganda or where the hell ever and get with the program.”

Field & Stream

Taylor knows all about catch and release, and how there are other fish in the sea.

In keeping with her tradition of only putting herself on the cover of her monthly magazine, O, Oprah Winfrey is also under fire for not putting Swift “somewhere on there, for God’s sake. Oprah’s lost weight, you can fit a photo of both of them on there, am I right?”

Field & Stream is also apparently on the naughty list in Swift’s camp, preferring to show, rather than the singer-songwriter, “some damn hunting knife or a dead deer or some stupid thing. I mean, really?

Swift’s latest record, 1989, is the first and, so far, only album to go platinum in 2014, which some in the record industry is a reflection of the new reality of internet music and pirating of songs. “It is for this very reason,” said magazine and journalism expert Eugene McLarty, “that we may never see Ms. Swift on the cover of a National Geographic or a Popular Mechanics ever again.”

O Magazine

O say can you see…Taylor Swift with her own magazine T?

Not that that sits well with Swift’s camp. “It’s Taylor f—ing Swift. Get her on your magazine cover or get ready to fold up shop.”

“It’s nothing against her, truly. It’s the nature of the beast now,” McLarty said. “And speaking of beasts, it’s also unlikely she’ll ever be on the cover of Fangoria, either. Sorry.” Continue reading

TDQ Investigates: Does Lorde Really, Secretly Want To Be Royal?


Lorde: Queen Bee?

In this installment of “What in the Hell is Wrong With Music Lyrics Today,” we examine teen sensation Lorde and her hit song, “Royals.”

Lorde herself has said she was inspired to write the song after seeing a photo of Kansas City Royals Hall of Fame “third baseman” George “Brett” in an old issue of, I don’t know, National Geographic or something. (Commie Pinko rag, by the way)

But the only mention of anywhere in the lyrics is when she talks about “diamonds,” and the only mention of any sort of geography is when she mentions her torn up town. Just how inspiring could this photo have really been, then?


Lorde: Royal?

Lorde also goes on to say how she has no interest in being a royal, that she and her pals, they’re fine where they come from, and yet the chorus tells a different story: Continue reading