Manti Te’o Backs Up Kurt Busch’s Claim That His Ex-girlfriend Was A Trained Assassin

Kurt Busch with Patricia Driscoll

Te’o was unable to produce a photo of himself with his girlfriend Kurt Busch and Patricia Driscoll but we were able to find this photo of the two returning from a date.

San Diego—Count San Diego Charger player Manti Te’o as somebody who is on the side of NASCAR driver Kurt Busch shortly after Busch testified in court last Tuesday that his former girlfriend, Patricia Driscoll, was a trained killer for the US government.

Te’o told reporters yesterday that he has gone on “numerous double dates with Kurt and his girl in the past, and she has mentioned on several occasions that she was a hired killer taking out bad guys for the CIA.”

Te’o said that he and his former girlfriend Lennay Kekua met Busch and Driscoll through mutual friends of Kekua, and he found her tales of international intrigue and espionage “quite exciting,” and he had “no reason whatsoever not to believe” Driscoll as she regaled Busch, Te’o and Driscoll over dinners, movies and walks on the beach.

Te’o said he was sad to see that Busch and Driscoll had parted ways, and thought that they had made a cute couple during the times he and Kekua would go on vacations and couples cruises with them.

“I remember staying up late talking with Lennay and we both said how perfect Kurt and Patty were for each other,” Te’o said. “I can only shake my head.”

But in the end, Te’o said he found a way to be philosophical about the fragile nature of love. It’s a subject he knows a little about, after all.

“It’s sad,” Te’o said. “You hate to see any relationship end, especially when a couples’ careers get in the way. But I guess when you have one partner who risks their life driving around a circle at 260 miles an hour, and another partner who flies off all over the world at a moment’s notice snuffing out political targets, it just puts too much of a strain on the couple.” Continue reading

New Book Rips Poor, Innocent, Likeable Matt Lauer

Matt Lauer

Matt Lauer: Soley responsible for everything bad in the world? Some say yes.

New York—A new tell-all e-book is coming out next week aimed at exposing all the wrongs “Today Show” host and current most-hated man on the planet Matt Lauer is responsible for. It’s entitled, “Matt Lauer Thinks You’re A Big Fat Jerk, Worse, Even, Than Ann Curry,” and it’s being published by Bridge Publications.

Just a few of the evils mentioned in the book that he is 100% responsible for include:

Matt Lauer was behind the Manti Te’o hoax. Matt Lauer reduced the amount of cookies in each box of Girl Scout cookies. Matt Lauer formed the band “Nickelback.”

It was Matt Lauer who decided that Netflix should charge more money for fewer movies. Matt Lauer owns Groupon. And Myspace.

Matt Lauer hacked your Twitter account and sent all those weight loss pill tweets. Matt Lauer introduced John Gosselin to Kate. And then be broke them up.

Matt Lauer cancelled “Arrested Development,” “Firefly” and “Veronica Mars.” Matt Lauer sent E.T. home. Matt Lauer started all the negative press about Lolo Jones. Matt Lauer shot J.R. Both times.
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Manti Te’o Forms Great, Meaningful Relationship With Head Coach Of St. Louis Gunners NFL Team

St. Louis Gunners

Te’o held what he is referring to as a “press conference” to announce the news.

Bradenton, FL-—Former Notre Dame player and current NFL hopeful Manti Te’o told reporters yesterday that he met and quickly developed a very deep, strong relationship with the head coach of the St. Louis Gunners of the NFL while he was at the NFL combine in Indianapolis last week.

“I just… I feel like we really clicked,” Te’o said. “The scouts, the head coach, the GM, we all got along really, really well. I’m excited about the future of my relationship with the St. Louis Gunners organization.”

Te’o said he even spent the first few nights after the combine on the phone late with the Gunners head coach, and fell asleep with his phone to his ear. “It was so peaceful, hearing him breathing on the other end of the phone. And I know it helped him get through the night as well.” Continue reading

Possibility Of Iranian Monkey Astronaut Being A Hoax The Last Straw For One Poor Guy

Iranian Monkey Spaceflight TestResults

In some ways the monkey appears to be in better condition than when he left.

Preston, ID—Amid the recent mea culpas in sports and entertainment, and the admissions of secret love children, the use of performance-enhancing drugs after years of denials and whatever the hell was happening with the Manti Te’o thing, one middle-aged man has said he’s finally done with any and all news if this whole Iranian monkey astronaut turns out to be a hoax, too.

News reports around the world have now called into question whether Iran really did send a monkey into space and return him to Earth safely, saying that photos released by Iranian news agencies before and after the flight apparently show two different monkeys as subjects.

And if that turns out to be the case, that yet another once-credible entity is lying, then Dave Hoover, 50, said he’s done, done for good, with any and all news reports.
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Manti Te’o “Very Confident” Hawaii Five-O Can Get To The Bottom Of Lennay Kekua Hoax

Te'o Five-0

Te’o has supplied a photo evidencing his meeting with the Hawaii Five-0 team.

Honolulu—Manti Te’o, University of Notre Dame linebacker and apparent famous hoax victim, said yesterday he met face-to-face with authorities in Hawaii and is “very confident this agency can get to the bottom of the lies and deception” surrounding the internet love hoax perpetrated on Te’o over the last several years.

Te’o said he flew to Honolulu from Florida immediately after his meeting with ESPN’s Jeremy Schaap to sit down with authorities from Hawaii Five-O and provide them with information about his non-existent dead girlfriend Lennay Kekua that he believes can help track down the people behind the hoax.

“After spending a couple hours with Mr. Schaap, I flew to Hawaii to spend some time with some relatives there and also, uhhhh, you know, have a meeting with the Five-O people,” Te’o said. “I had a really productive, informative meeting with a Commander McGarrett and his team, and I feel quite certain that they can uncover, uhhh, using the methods at their disposal, what exactly happened regarding the hoax as it pertains to actions taken by the culprits in the great state of Hawaii.”
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