Kim Kardashian To Play Olive Oyl In New “Popeye” Live-Action Movie

Popeye The Sailor Man

Critics promise, “If you love the original you will be disappointed.”

Los Angeles—Sources confirmed yesterday that Paramount Pictures has finalized casting for an upcoming re-boot of the world’s most popular one-eyed sailor, “Popeye,” and the “biggest” surprise among the cast is Kim Kardashian’s winning of the role of Olive Oyl.

Played by Shelley Duvall in the 1980 Robert Altman musical version, Olive is the long-suffering love interest of the sailor man. In this iteration, the title role will be played by Ben Foster.

“We’ve made a conscious decision to stay far away from the Altman version, despite how wonderful that film was,” said Kardashian’s representative. “This film will be darker and grittier than the original, with no musical numbers, and it will be more true to the source material.”

Billy Gardell has been cast as Popeye’s nemesis, Bluto, with the role of the Commodore going to Bill Murray.

This film version will have other villains that originated in the comic strip, unlike the 1980 Altman version, which only had Bluto as the main villain. Holland Taylor will play the Sea Hag, and January Jones will play Alice the Goon. Continue reading

Kim Kardashian’s Own Personal Research Finds That Rest Of The World View Her Pretty Much The Same Way She Thinks We Do

Kim Kardashian

Kim Kardashian reflects upon herself in the mirror of public opinion but sees only what she wants to. Also, remember that Friends episode?! The one where Joey got a turkey stuck on his head!

Los Angeles—Kim Kardashian said she thinks she has a pretty good feel for how Americans view her, but she wanted to get an idea on how she comes across “to the rest of the smart, informed people in the Earth.”

Kardashian said she thought it would be neat to see if her message translates to the rest of the world, or if she needs to make any changes. So, being the hands-on go-getter that she is, she jumped in with both pedicured feet and started digging.

“On Halloween, the very first thing I did when I woke up that day after eating lunch was make a video showing my support for the victims of Superstorm Mandy (sic), then I posted it to YouTube, then I spent the afternoon calling news outlets from all over the world that are based in Los Angeles, and I asked their top reporters, I said, you’re the top news reporter guy from like Canada or some other place in the Middle Asia (sic), what do your viewers think of me? What’s their opinion of all my charitable work and of what I do?”
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Kim Kardashian Tweets, Texts And Posts On Facebook That She Plans To Be More Private In 2012

Kim Kardashian

Is Kim Kardashian turning her back on the limelight? We sure hope so!

Los Angeles—Kim Kardashian called a press conference yesterday to formally announce her New Year’s Resolution for 2012: To lead a more private life. She also posted this resolution on her Twitter account, Facebook page and nearly-defunct Myspace account.

She said this newfound privacy will be showcased on her E! television program, and she hopes to prove to the American public just how private she’s being in weekly press conferences throuought the upcoming year.

“I really, really learned a hard lesson last year during my marriage to Reg- I mean, my husband,” Kardashian said. “And it is my sincere hope that you all will join me in my journey as I strive to be a more private person.”
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TDQ Investigates: The Curious Case Of Kim Kardashian’s Marriage

Kim and Kris

These two kids, who seemed they had so much in common, have just bought two tickets to Splitsville (but they will be traveling in separate rows).

This was the column we hoped we’d never have to write.

We never wanted to be here, in this moment asking “Why?” But ever since we heard the news and completely stopped what we were doing in sheer, utter disbelief and shock, we’ve had to ask ourselves “Why?” Is there something, anything we could have done to prevent the marriage of Kim Kardashian and her husband from falling apart a mere 72 blissful days after they said “I do?”

How could this have happened? What did we do wrong? How could we have tried harder to make this work? But in the end, all we can come up with is something that really leaves us with little comfort: sometimes these things happen.
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Bank Of America To Start Charging Fees For Reading Articles About All The New Fees They’ve Started Charging

Bank of America Fees

For now the Bank of America fees for negative publicity will be collected via a widget similar to the familiar Facebook "Like" button. This will put readers on the honor system until a more intrusive system can be devised.

New York—In an effort to both recoup fees they expect to lose due to new federal regulations, and to lessen the chances people will read the bad press accompanying the new fees, Bank of America announced on their website yesterday that they will begin charging people who read articles about new charges in newspapers and online.

The message on the site read in part, “in the new economic reality that every bank is now facing, there are some fees that have become unavoidable, and with virtually every single article that mentions Bank of America being of a negative nature, it makes business sense that fees are charged to read these articles.”
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