Illuminati “A Bit Miffed” That Nate Silver Is Getting All This Election Credit, When All He Did Was Copy And Publicize Their Numbers

A secret lair, possibly in the Rocky Mountains—With all the buzz that statistician Nate Silver has been getting lately over his correct predictions of the presidential election, some members of the Illuminati have confirmed they are unhappy that Silver is being portrayed as some number-crunching whiz kid, when everybody knows the numbers simply played out the way the Illuminati wanted them to.

A highly-placed source within the organization, who spoke to TDQ under the threat of torture and death if his/her identity is revealed, said Silver simply was given some sensitive information and regurgitated it to the naïve masses like the outcome of the election wasn’t already written in stone by the people who actually run the world.

“Somebody blabbed when they shouldn’t have and they’ll be dealt with accordingly,” the source said. “Was that somebody a high-ranking military member currently engulfed in a torrid sex scandal and potentially looking at treason charges? Who knows? Or could that person be a teenage Canadian pop star who just broke up with his Disney star girlfriend? Maybe, maybe not.”
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Katie Holmes To Star In TV Movie Adaptation Of “Call Me Maybe”

Call Me Maybe: The Movie

If film makers can pull off elaborating the 3 minute song “Call Me Maybe” into a 75+ minute feature film Hollywood might have found a new well to tap: Popular Music. Experts predict these measures can stave off another Spider Man reboot for, at least, a couple of years.

New York—Katie Holmes isn’t letting her recent not-really-all-that-surprising news that she’s divorcing Tom Cruise slow down her career. A spokesman for The Lifetime Movie Network confirmed yesterday that the soon-to-be-ex Mrs. Cruise will star in an upcoming adaptation of the song “Call Me Maybe.”

“We’re very, very thrilled that Katie has signed on to star in this telefilm, and couldn’t be more happy that she’s moving on with her life and career,” a spokesman for LMN said yesterday. “I’ve read the script, and it’s literally, literally the best thing I’ve ever read. I’ll just die, literally, if this doesn’t earn Katie a Golden Globe. It literally has bigtime award written all over it.”

The plot, conceived last Friday night over appletinis at a SoHo Ruby Tuesday’s, reportedly is about the universal story of two college-age lovers who keep trying to hook up, but the girl keeps losing her phone. The boy is always calling her, but he invariably either gets a voicemail or some guy who found the girl’s phone.
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TDQ Tech For The Week Of 10/24/11

The GrinderyThis week in TDQ Tech, The Grindery folks bring you a story showing that not everybody is thrilled with the new iPhone 4s’ “virtual personal assistant” SIRI, and an update on how close we are to those flying cars we were all promised decades ago.

I wonder if the Apple folks have to pay Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes royalties for calling their newest program talk-thingy SIRI…

You are now technologically informed. Go and do likewise.