Matt Lauer Makes Unprompted Denial Of Possible Involvement in Katie Couric Show Cancellation

Lauer and Couric

Lauer and Couric have worked through many eras and hairstyles both thick and thin.

New York—Host of “The Today Show” and former Katie Couric BFF Matt Lauer called a press conference yesterday on the heels of the rumors of the upcoming cancellation of Couric’s flailing talk show, to publicly announce he had nothing to do with the expected cancellation.

Lauer said he wanted to set the record straight before anybody asked that, just like his lack of involvement in the Ann Curry firing debacle last year, he is not responsible for the pending cancellation of Katie Couric’s talk show on ABC.

“It would be bad journalism and completely wrong for anybody to jump to the absurd conclusion that I am behind the cancellation of that garbage, ‘The Katie Couric Show’, or whatever the hell it’s called,” Lauer said at the outset of his press conference. “I did not have any communication whatsoever with anyone in charge at ABC and force them to cancel the program because Katie made the career-killing choice to not return to ‘The Today Show’ last fall despite my best efforts at convincing her to come back, and this is my ingenious way of getting back at that no-talent cow.”
Continue reading

Sources: Matt Lauer Is The Reason Pope Benedict XVI “Retired”

Matt Lauer with Pope Benedict

Matt Lauer with Pope Benedict in happier times.

New York—Does newly minted Pope Francis I have “Today Show” host Matt Lauer to thank for him getting the gig? Multiple sources with great connections inside the NBC daytime staple have told The Daily Quarterly exclusively that Lauer was unhappy with Pope Benedict, and worked hard “but behind the scenes” to “persuade” the pontiff that he should take an early retirement, thus clearing the way for Francis’ election earlier this month.

One source said she wasn’t certain what Lauer’s issue with Benedict was exactly, “he just was never sold on him taking over” in 2005. “Matt was never happy, and even, from what I’m being told, tried to get Katie (Couric) to take the job somehow, but it never panned out for her to move to Rome, plus she had her daytime talk show that she was working on.”

NBC executives would not return phone calls left seeking comment on this most recent Lauer allegation, but “if history shows us anything, it’s that whatever Matt wants he gets, and later on, the suits at 30 Rock will fall all over themselves to be the scapegoats. You watch,” one of the sources said.
Continue reading

Palin to Couric: New Show “Sarah” Will “Knock That Little Munchkin Back Off The Air”

Katie and Sarah

We have sourced these promotional images that are believed to lend credence to a Sarah Palin talk show. It appears there are still some details to work out.

Hollywood— Three days after long-time Today show host Katie Couric announced her new syndicated daytime talk show “Katie,” Sarah Palin has countered by announcing a “much better” show aptly named “Sarah.”

“I won’t rest until that little freak is off the air and laying in a grave next to her husband,” a surprisingly worked-up Palin commented.  “No one embarrasses the Palin family.”

Back in 2008, Couric made the mistake of asking Palin what magazines and newspapers she reads.  This seemingly innocent question has led to a 5-year-and-counting mission by Sarah Palin to counter and humiliate Couric at every turn.
Continue reading

TDQ Investigates: A-Rod Finally Paying People To Lie For Him, Rather Than Doing It Himself

Four of a KindNew York—It’s about time, Alex Rodriguez. You’ve been able to afford this for years, but for some reason, in the past you had taken it upon yourself to lie to reporters about using steroids and lie to your wife about cheating on her. Now you’ve finally hired somebody to lie on your behalf about your poker playing, though they admitted later (how many stories about you have the phrase “admitted later?”) that you did play, but the stories coming out about you playing contained “factual inaccuracies.”
Continue reading

Former Teammate Says Lance Armstrong Pumped Gas Into Container That Was Set On The Tailgate Of His Pickup Truck, Not On The Ground Like The Sign At The Pump Says

Lance Armstrong?

The photo supplied by the accuser provides very little evidence to incriminate Lance Armstrong.

Lance Armstrong can’t catch a break. Now the seven-time Tour de France winner is fighting allegations that he illegally pumped gas into a plastic container that was sitting on the tailgate of his truck, rather than on the ground as mandated by federal law.

“I saw him pump the gas into his red container while still on the back of his truck,” former USA Team Cycling teammate Mark “Donna” Reed said. “I saw him pump it more than one time like we all did, like I did many, many times.”
Continue reading