“ALF” Finally, FINALLY(!) Coming To The Big Screen

ALF: TheMovie

The producers assure us that the children of today are much more comfortable with bad computer generated graphics than they are with good puppetry.

Hollywood—At long last, the jokers in Hollywood have finally come to their senses, and reports were confirmed yesterday that the hit 1980s NBC show, “ALF,” will be coming to a theater near you for Christmas 2014.

“We’re very excited to get the green light,” said screenwriter and Hollywood’s own King Midas, Andrew Stanton. “It’s been a long time coming bringing something this big to the big screen, and with me writing this juggernaut and the cast we’re looking at, absolutely nothing could prevent this film from breaking records.”

Stanton said ALF himself, rather than a puppet this go-around, will be CGI.

“We’re planning to take canonical stories from both the primetime series and the animated series,” Stanton said. “The sky is literally, literally, the limit for the film. We might even film in outer space.”

Willie Tanner, the amateur astronomer who discovered ALF in the original series, will be played by Owen Wilson. Julie Bowen has been confirmed to be in talks to play the family matriarch, Kate. Calum Worthy has been cast as the Tanner son, Brian, with G. Hannelius playing daughter Lynn Tanner. “Community’s” Yvette Nicole Brown has been cast as nosy neighbor Raquel Ochmonek. Denzel Washington has signed on to play her husband, Trevor Ochmonek.

With the news that ALF himself will be computer-generated, it is unclear what involvement ALF’s creator, puppeteer and voice, Paul Fusco, will have in the film.

“I don’t seem to have Mr. Fusco’s number in my phone,” Stanton said. “But I’m quite certain he will be proud of our CGI rendering of ‘ALF’ and how we’ve improved it. Just like how good Scooby-Doo looked in his live-action films. It’s really the way ALF was meant to be seen. CGI in IMAX. It’s a good day in Hollywood.”
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New Book Rips Poor, Innocent, Likeable Matt Lauer

Matt Lauer

Matt Lauer: Soley responsible for everything bad in the world? Some say yes.

New York—A new tell-all e-book is coming out next week aimed at exposing all the wrongs “Today Show” host and current most-hated man on the planet Matt Lauer is responsible for. It’s entitled, “Matt Lauer Thinks You’re A Big Fat Jerk, Worse, Even, Than Ann Curry,” and it’s being published by Bridge Publications.

Just a few of the evils mentioned in the book that he is 100% responsible for include:

Matt Lauer was behind the Manti Te’o hoax. Matt Lauer reduced the amount of cookies in each box of Girl Scout cookies. Matt Lauer formed the band “Nickelback.”

It was Matt Lauer who decided that Netflix should charge more money for fewer movies. Matt Lauer owns Groupon. And Myspace.

Matt Lauer hacked your Twitter account and sent all those weight loss pill tweets. Matt Lauer introduced John Gosselin to Kate. And then be broke them up.

Matt Lauer cancelled “Arrested Development,” “Firefly” and “Veronica Mars.” Matt Lauer sent E.T. home. Matt Lauer started all the negative press about Lolo Jones. Matt Lauer shot J.R. Both times.
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