Kansas City, MO—
Don’t let the name fool you. There is nothing “great” about patches of garbage in the Pacific.
Seeing that he hasn’t gotten his name in the press all that much as of late, former Deeder leader Phineas Downey
called a news conference to announce he has undertaken a new controversial stance, this time alleging that the well-known Great Pacific Ocean garbage patch is “almost certainly made up, and even if it does exist, there’s no way it’s nearly as large as the extreme, alarmist environmental-types are saying it is.”
Downey said that any photographic evidence he’s ever seen of what scientists “allege is this horrible patch seems awful, awful doctored to me. It’s just like a grainy picture of Bigfoot or the mythical Loch Ness Monster as far as I’m concerned.”
Downey said he’s flown to Hawaii and Fiji plenty of times in the past, and has yet to notice any large, Texas-sized collection of garbage, despite looking nearly every single time he gets a window seat.