Warner Brothers Confirms Remake Of 1992 “Classic” “Freejack” Starring Taylor Kinney

Freejack

Freejack

Burbank, CA—Warner Brothers actually took the time yesterday to call a press conference and announce to a large contingency of entertainment journalists who obviously had better things to do that they will begin filming next month of a remake of the 1992 “movie” “Freejack.” 

The original “film,” which starred Emilio Estevez, Rene Russo and Anthony Hopkins, was SPOILER ALERT: about a Formula One racecar driver who was pulled from his car mere seconds before dying in a terrible auto wreck during a race, and is brought to the future to inhabit Anthony Hopkins’ body so he can trick Rene Russo into falling in love with him. Or something like that. And Mick Jagger chases Estevez a lot throughout the “movie” also. 

Warner Brothers spokesman Eli Pierce said the studio is in final negotiations with the cast, and that the entire company is abuzz with excitement over the new project. 

“We know that sci-fi fans have literally been clamoring for another ‘Freejack’ film. I honestly get scores, dozens of letters in the mail every day from fans of the first film who have either loved it for more than 25 years, or have recently been introduced to the picture, who tell us how great it is,” Pierce said. “We know they’re excited, and this is for them.”

Pierce confirmed that Eloise Mumford has been cast in the role played by Rene Russo in the 1992 version, with Taylor Kinney playing the role originated by Emilio Estevez and John Hannah as the old man played by Anthony Hopkins originally. Denzel Washington has signed on to play the Mick Jagger character. 

Pierce said no writer has been attached to the project yet, and no director has been blackmailed into having his name associated with this impending train wreck. Filming is expected to begin in Atlanta in early August. 

Source: There Are Actually Six Versions Of Charlie Sheen; Only Martin Knows Which Is The Real One Anymore

Charlie Sheens

Some say 6 is a conservative estimate. Some claim there are 2 or 3 times that many Charlie Sheens, as evidenced in this graph.

Los Angeles—A source allegedly close to the Sheen/Estevez family has exclusively sent an e-mail to The Daily Quarterly that confirms what we have long suspected: There are actually six people posing as Charlie Sheen in Hollywood, a fact that completely explains his up-and-down behavior and erratic ramblings of the past several years.

The source also said there is only one person in Charlie’(s)’ life(ves) who can concretely tell the real Sheen from the fake ones: his father, Martin.

The e-mail read, in part, “like saddam hoosain’s (sic) doubles, youve (sic) got the creative, awesome charlie (sic) who would show up to do the show tapings (for “Two and a Half Men) but you also got the mean charlie (sic) that would more often then (sic) not get in front of the camara (sic) when shows like tmz was there and everthing (sic). then the other 4 where (sic) somewhere inbetween (sic), but could function as passable charlies (sic) and could do red carpet stuff and events when the real charlie (sic) could stay home.”
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Rihanna Under Fire For Allegedly Ripping Off Paula Abdul’s Video For “Forever Your Girl”

Paula Abdul vs. Rihanna

An analysis of the two videos has yielded some interesting results. Both share a ponderous quantity of cuts between different shoots on multiple sets. Surprisingly the Abdul video tells a more cohesive story. The costuming is nearly identical but, in this case, Rihanna’s vest appears to be more stylish.

Los Angeles—In what has escalated into one of Hollywood’s bigger she said-she said battles of the last several years, pop megastar Rihanna is being accused by former pop star Paula Abdul of completely ripping off her 1989 music video “Forever Your Girl” and filming what amounts to a virtually shot-for-shot remake of it in Rihanna’s new video for her song “Roc Me Out.”

Portions of Rihanna’s video have leaked online, and it does seem like her newest video bears some resemblance to the former “American Idol” judge and ex-Mrs. Emilio Estevez’s hit title song off her debut album released in 1988.

Indeed, the newest video from Rihanna even features actors Trevor Wright, Elijah Wood and Nikki Cox, all of whom appeared in Abdul’s video and were all children when it was shot, playing strikingly similar roles as in the earlier video. A spokesman for Rihanna issued a statement saying, in part “no one involved in the creative and inspiring filming of Rihanna’s video for ‘Roc Me Out’ was even aware that Paula Abdul had an album, let alone a video, back in the late 1980s, and had no indication that the amazing visuals that were filmed for Rihanna’s video for ‘Roc Me Out’ could possibly even begin to resemble something she (Abdul) said she created. Rihanna’s creative team is looking into these allegations, but are having a hard time believing that music videos were around in the 20th century.”
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