Recent College Graduate “100% Certain” She Would Be A Better Parent Than Her Older Sister, Who Is On Her Fourth Child

Contrasting Parenting Styles

Contrasting Parenting Styles

Yakima, WA—Recent college graduate and coffee house barista Nicole Baggett, 23, said she is constantly trying to give her older sister, Shannon, 31, advice on raising her four children, but, “Shannon just continuously dismisses every single bit of my advice, like just because I’ve never had a child, I don’t know what I’m talking about. It’s ridiculous.”

Nicole said she has read “dozens, maybe a hundred” articles on parenting in both her junior year psychology class and her own free time, and has gotten plenty of wonderful ideas on child-rearing from Gwyneth Paltrow’s blog. She said she doesn’t understand why her sister and brother-in-law, who both work as social workers, don’t follow her advice when disciplining or spending quality time with her two nieces and two nephews, ages nine down to eight months old.

“It pains me, it really does, to see her lose her temper with her kids and act like she’s so tired all the time,” Baggett said. “I know I could do the job better than her. I’d be so much more patient, and understanding if they were my four children. But she just won’t listen to me.”

Nicole said she constantly e-mails articles and fun ways to spend entire Saturday afternoons with children “and terrific arts and crafts ideas, and stuff about starting a garden and reading entire book series with children on a lazy Sunday afternoon, but it’s like she thinks I’m an idiot or something. My other girlfriends, we talk about it all the time when we go to the movies two or three times a week. They don’t understand it either. Like last Wednesday at brunch with my old sorority sisters, none of us could understand why she doesn’t appreciate what I’m trying to do for her. Or when we went to that impromptu concert last Monday night, we discussed it there before we headed to that after party.”

“I don’t have time for this,” Shannon Baggett said when asked to do an interview for this article. “If you want to meet me at one of the six kid’s birthday parties I have squeeze in this Saturday, I can talk to you then. Otherwise, you’re out of luck.”

“Typical,” Nicole said. “Just typical.” Continue reading

Ben Bradlee, Washington Post Editor And My Favorite Protege, Dies At 93

Ben Bradlee

Ben Bradlee, right, at his desk with future The Daily Quarterly editor in chief Brian DiMaio, left. Their relationship was strained following the Kennedy assassination when DiMaio claimed to have a secret source named Debbie located in Dallas.

Washington, DC—Ben Bradlee, legendary editor of the Washington Post during the Watergate scandal, and one of the few individuals who knew the true identity of Deep Throat for 40 years, died Tuesday from natural causes. He was 93.

He was the Post’s executive editor from 1968 until 1991, and under his tenure, the paper achieved national prominence and won 17 Pulitzer Prizes. Before working at the Post, Bradlee wrote for Newsweek and The Daily Quarterly.

He was portrayed by Jason Robards in the film version of “All the President’s Men,” alongside Robert Redford and Dustin Hoffman, who portrayed buddy-reporters (think Fletch meets up with whatever Robert Wuhl’s character’s name was in “Batman”) Bob Woodward and Carl Bernsten.

Bradlee had been suffering from dementia in his later years. Reportedly, his final words were, “I owe it all to DiMaio.”

He is survived by his third wife, Sally Quinn, a son from his first marriage, Ben Bradlee, Jr., other sons Dominic, Quinn and a  daughter, Marina.

(Please note that we totally left out the fabricated story scandal that embarrassed him and the Post in 1981, when reporter Janet Cooke totally made up a story about an 8 year-old heroin addict, winning a Pulitzer that Bradlee gave back once he found out he’d been fooled, a-la Stephen Glass. We didn’t think there was a place for that debacle in this obit.) Continue reading

Jacksonville Jaguars Mascot: “I Thought Ebola Was A Bidding Website Where People Could Buy And Sell Items Online”

Jaguar's Ebola Incident

As we can see the Jacksonville mascot was only trying to make good on some sponsor signage that was ruined by a sports drink dumping celebration. Unfortunately that sponsor,, was not impressed.

Jacksonville, FL—About the only thing more unbelievable here in Jacksonville than the fact that the NFL team hasn’t relocated to London is the recent actions of the team’s mascot, one Jaxson de Ville, a daredevil, bungee-jumping anthropomorphic jaguar.

The mascot is recently coming under fire for the sign he was seen holding against at recent game against the Pittsburgh Steelers of Pittsburgh. It seems the fans of the Steelers of Pittsburgh are known for frantically waving yellow towels at important intervals of the football game, and these towels are known as “Terrible Towels.”

During the game October 5th in Jacksonville, de Ville was caught holding a sign that read, “Towels Carry ebola,” referring to said Towels being waved about by the visiting team’s fans.

Silent until just yesterday, de Ville issued the following statement: “I had no idea that ebola was a terrible disease currently affecting thousands of people and can cause a horrible death. I was referring to an internet website page site where people all over the world bid on and buy and sell items over the net. My intent was not to offend anybody.”

While some detractors of the team, and of the NFL itself, whose image is nothing if not of a classy, stand-up, credible, law-abiding, straight and narrow organization, are calling for the mascot’s dismissal, his explanation seems credible. The same mascot came under fire in the past for previous signs he’d been seen holding at games.

During a 2009 home game against the Baltimore Ravens, de Ville carried a sign throughout the game saying he had a cure for the visiting team’s “Case of Bird Flu,” outraging people who thought he was minimizing the world outbreak of Avian influenza. He issued a similar apology at that time.

And in 2004, during a game against the visiting Indianapolis Colts, he held up a sign saying he hoped that “SARS gets those COLTS” ostensibly referring to the viral respiratory disease that had struck Asia. de Ville at that time insisted he was referring to “the government agency in charge of taxing people, I meant I hope the Colts players get audited. Simple mistake.”

Indeed, even nearly 15 years ago, de Ville was making similar blunders. During the last home game in December of that year, when the Jaguars were playing the Denver Broncos,  he displayed a sign saying he wished “The Broncos Plane Goes Down In A Horrible Accident because of Y2K and Everyone DIES !!”

No explanation was given by de Ville for that particular gaffe. Continue reading